Tell it Tuesday My non Advice Column

Posted on October 5, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for “robin willimas man junk” I am so proud.) Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Dear Peachy;

My neighbor is seriously pissing me off. We don’t have a fence but we both know our property lines however every time they cut their grass they go 2 trips into our yard. I have no clue how to handle this but I am ready to just pull my hair out over this. It needs to stop.

signed,

Mowed Down

Dear Mowed Down- You need bigger problems. If you are writing me over your grass being cut by your neighbor and that’s not a euphemism for a drug deal gone bad then you should really just go ahead and stand there pulling your hair out in your yard for the world to see because obviously your life is HELL. WTF is that horrible neighbor thinking . Peachy

Dear ThePeachy1,

I have been wrangled into the the schools PTO again this year. So I am stuck selling cookies and wrapping paper and doing fund raisers. I hate it. So many mom’s escape this wrath and I always get suckered in. How can I avoid this in the future I hate it and hate these moms.

PTO Party Pooper

Dear PTO Party Pooper- First, you probably made the mistake of telling them you are a SAHM, wore clothes, shoes, makeup and a bra to school. Then you signed something. Also showing up to school sober is a big mistake. I find if you yell stuff like ” y’all I can do some early mornings cause I don’t go to sleep right after I get off shift at the strip club” followed by ” Hey Jimmy and Bobby, tell your Momma your Daddy left his cell phone at my work” this should get you out of PTO, if not, offer a “strip off” fund raiser. xo ThePeachy1

Peaches

My life is upside down I can’t catch a break. I just found out we are moving from a metro to a very rural area. We are childless and in our late 30’s. Nothing country appeals to me. I am sure I will die.

signed,

City Girl

Dear City Girl- yes you will die. We are all going to die. Since you are moving to the rural world it may go faster or slower depending on your attitude and lifestyle. Go ahead and stock up on the alcohol. You don’t have kids so plan a lot of city vacations and get aways while enjoying a crime free quite rural country lifestyle . Also don’t deep fry your hand. It sucks. xo ThePeachy1

That’s it my lovelies.. Take care and feel free to send in any questions you might need non advice for. The general rule is 3 a week every Tuesday. BEINGPEACHY@GMAIL.COM

xo

PEACH O

Moronic Monday- Chalkgate2010

Posted on October 4, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

It’s here again. Monday. I think of this weekly adventure as a war. I can do little to help you. But I can give you laughter for armor. So I dig up a story to show you just what a tremendous moron I am in the hopes you may get through your day with a little less stress. Today I didn’t have to dig that far.

Fasten your seat belt darlings here we go.

Last Thursday the Droid and the Price were outside gathering small yard sticks for lighting in the chimney because nothing says father son bonding like a little pyromania.

I decided to jump in the tub for a tad of R & R. I am very lucky I have a giant tub in the master bath which is good, because ~~I have a giant rear end,~~ my 9 year old likes to snorkel in our master tub so it works for us.

Then something happened as I was getting up and I hit my knee. I ended up balanced on my left knee with my right left bent behind me, holding myself up with only my right hand. My right knee cap felt like it was jammed up to my earlobe and straitening it or bending it was just out of the question.

Remember the Droid and Prince are outside part? yeah. So the dogs came in to answer my screams. Yes I even screamed, ” Lassi go get help “.

No one came.

The water drained away, I got cold. The left knee got very tired. ( Whose bright idea was it to put little bumps in the bottom of the tub to dig into my 1 remaining knee cap?) The right hand got very tired. Tears and snot from the pain of my knee ran freely down my face and I pictured what my CSI would look like. You know when someone did eventually find my dead body how would it look.

csi, chalkbody outline 1, the peachy 1, being peachy crime scene

this is at least dignified

But mine wouldn’t look like that mine would look like this.

not cool. my chalk outline looked more like a pile of dirty cloths in a bathtub

my csi chalk outline looks like a pile of dirty cloths instead of a body

Investigator- So officer 1- are we investigating an Elephant that shit in a bathtub or a dirty pile of clothes?

Officer 1- No sir it’s an injured walrus it was just kind of hunched up on 1 knee and 1 flipper.

It was this, that gave me the strength to ~~survive~~ scream louder. The men folk came running and assisted my wet injured walrus self out of the tub and brought the “Peachy First Aid Kit” which includes these-

always on hand here in Peachyland

My knee made so many snap crackle and pops over the next 24 hours it got a voice over job at Rice Crispies. But by mid Sunday I was off the crutch. which was good because I had a scheduled deep tissue grease burn for my right hand during a doughnut making session and that just is not conducive with crutch use. ( or crotch use, or actually any kind of use)

So there ya have it folks, if you don’t completely end up wet, naked, cold and screaming at a dog for help in a shape that if you were to die would be confused as a pile of dirty clothes or elephant poo only to survive and burn the crap out of your hand a couple days later, than chances are your Monday might turn out a little better than mine. Hang in there folks. Battle hard, battle strong, Punch Monday in the junk for me.

xo

PEACH OUT

Funny Stuff Friday-Slip Sliding away.

Posted on October 1, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Funny Stuff Friday, It's Juicy

Wow it’s here, and although I wait for it with antica antica antica—-pation every week, I have had a couple run in’s with a Monday disguised on the calendar as a Friday. Nothing pisses me off worse. So dearest Friday be good to me honey, or I will shank you and hook up with Saturday.

I have very important news last night I was yet again attacked. No it was not by a Star Fleet Captain in a Speedo or by Robin Williams Man junk, this as an actual attack. The suspect is my spa tub, and it’s a damn good thing I wasn’t eating shredded mini wheats when it happened. I will tell you all about it on Monday but for now it’s just known as the great Elephant Poop Comforter incident of 2010.

But today I awoke to receive a package. A product for me to review.

When this happens I always have 1 of 2 reactions. 1- “WOO HOO Lucky me, heck yeaz !! Woot Woot.” or 2- “Great, like I am ever going to try this let alone freaking write a review. ”

But not today folks. I got this

55 gallon drum of Personal lubricant Donkey Slider

wow. just wow.

This can only mean 1 of 3 things. 1- My husband is sending companies my info and out of pity for him, they are sending me ruffies and lube? or 2- They know I will totally use this stuff on squeaky door hinges.

or

3- It’s flinging oatmeal on a wall again. This one, might actually get a review, because it’s personal lube, so that means I can use it how I want, personally. Like whip it out in the grocery store when I get that wheel that is squeaky. The stadium seat at homecoming, just whip that out and apply it to those hinges and KABAM, donkey slider to the rescue, a nice breeze could now open that stadium seat. Walking into jewelry stores trying on obscenely expensive rings 2 sizes too small just so I can whip this stuff out and say, “don’t worry about I have MY personal lube.”

So yeah people I will be lubing up all kinds of stuff this weekend. Because I now have my own personal 55 gallon drum size non descriptive labeled DONKEY SLIDER lube.

AWESOME !

Have a great weekend my friends. Life’s short, live it, love it, lube it.

XO

PEACH OUT

*Delusion Disclaimer- I did actually receive a sample product in the mail that was indeed a personal lube, it is not a 55 gallon drum nor is it named Donkey Slider. No I wasn’t paid for this, because clearly if I were paid for it, I would have used the real name, done a real journalist review and it wouldn’t be on this blog it would be totally somewhere else.*