What’s up you sexy people? Just happened to pop in to amend one of my many Life Manuals, ( like how to get in a low speed police chase, or what to do when you deep fry your hand, typical stuff really) if you know me. If you don’t know me, well, how you have ended up here and oh yeah, I’m not an athlete, so if you came here for some gym related/work out muscle recovery type advice. Let me save you time. I ain’t your girl. I’m more of a walking talking breathing Public Service Announcement of what not to do in any situation. Basically a real life example of Murphys law in action.
Last night ( Friday night/Saturday morning), somehow the stars aligned right and I was granted the rare gift of sleep. But like mothers day when you have a kid in 3rd grade, the gift probably isn’t going be that great. I’m now roughly 22 hours post incident. Still awake due to effects of said incident, and thought I would go ahead and make sure this manual is out there and updated. Because anytime I’m heavily medicated it seems like the precise moment I should publish something on the internet. No problem, you are welcome.
So there I was last night, just minding my own business, in a rare moment of blissful sleep and around 210am, and from no where POW SCHMACK ARG left calf is now a solid flaming mass of excruciating pain.
Emergency protocol initiated:
1- wake up.
2- jerk immediately into well known, ” OMG LEG CRAMP”, fetal position where you grab your leg on either end of the cramp until muster the gusto to push/pull/punch the cramp out.
3- scream, ” FLEX THE FOOT, POINT THE TOES, NO NO FLEX THE FOOT !!” but to the human ear it sounded like, “OMG SAVE ME HELP HELP HELP PLEASE HELP CUT MY LEG OFF CALL AN AMBULANCE.” or it would have, if any human ear other than my own could have heard it, as my family slept peaceful in their beds far from earshot of my gut wrenching screams.
4- Toddler tantrum slam my torso back into my standard 973 pillows during apex of pain,
5- instant karma- dislocates the knee on the SAME leg in which the never ending dreadful horribly painful muscle cramps are happening to induce a unique symphony of pain so deafening that your only thought is. GET HELP
6- Get help- well, you know everyone is sleeping so just use technology and text them something like, “NE1 awake?” because your body does so much crazy stuff all the time why would you wake them for something like “pains of death”
7- cry and scream alone for 15 -20, flip flop between grabbing the cramp, massaging it,but not moving the leg because of the dislocated knee, cry, scream, grabbing the foot, flexing the foot, and checking your phone to see that indeed, NO one is awake so you and your cramped up leg and dislocated knee are own your own, like Tom Hanks in Castaway.
8-make the command decision that you will roll your body out of bed and to the floor like Laura Croft from Tomb Raider, but actually hit the floor like a screaming burrito that has been soaked in a bowl of water for a few days.
9-using your new genius status achieved only thru this level of pain you have decided that if you simply get your leg in water everything will be fine and you will go back to bed.
10- facedown on the floor do some super power Promethean board in your head with numbers and angles and flip the pages of a non existent anatomy book in your minds eye and decide you can get your knee back in place if you attempt push it against the floor at the right angle, a) attempt every angle known to man while crying and screaming, b) invent new angles while crying and screaming c) remind yourself not to pass out because no one will even find your body until tomorrow at dinner time.
11- breath deep, wipe your nose on the carpet, if no one can hear you scream they can’t see you, so it’s like it never happened. put your cell phone in your mouth and crawl to the bathroom. a) remember a news story or video or article you read about how phones are more germ infested than a public toilet and gag, while you simultaneously cry and scream and snot, and oh yeah breath deep.
12-feel a pop in your knee and pain level goes from being set on fire to sticking your tongue in an electrical outlet. ahh success
13- immediately remember what started all this is that it feels like the rubber band that runs from your foot to your spine has been drawn back by an expert archer on a long bow.
14-begin your crawl to the tub. the pain inspired genius center of your brain is telling you that hot water will save you, if you can get to it. keep your snotty phone in your mouth in the event of a real emergency, plus it muffles your screams no one can hear.
15-reach the bathtub. in a sarcastic tone ask the pain inspired genius center of how you are supposed to get into the tub when your can’t stand up?
16-Pain inspired genius center of brain has decided it’s had enough of your attitude. You and your snotty phone are on your own.
17- Non genius center of your brain steps up, got your back ! Hey post something non descriptive on facebook maybe one of the 3 people in your house are awake, translate your vague booking into an actual plea for help, become a Doctor before they come downstairs and save you. Sounds legit ( see posts from around 3am yesterday for example on how to vague book for help during an emergency)
18- do your best impression of python, in your head they can slither up and then back down the side of anything, that’s how you get in the tub without legs, you’ve seen videos ! Attempt it. flop into tub like an injured walrus falling off a skateboard.
19- take a moment to be grateful for little things; your kids smiles, hugs, the
fact your tub has a smooth rounded interior so your body just sort of sloshes up the sides and back down again. There is hot water, no one is showering or bathing, since everyone is and has been peacefully asleep except you, and you’re not doing laundry because you too were blissfully asleep just an agonizing 33 minutes and 14 feet ago.
20- hot water does help with cramp in calf. wow that hurt, still residual pain in the calf, knee isn’t feeling skippy either. OMG hot water is running out, OMG shivering. OMG. must get out of tub NOW. HOW?
21- you will probably be better at the snake imitation thing the second time around, like channel it or something. see the snake, be the snake. OK. NOPE. this time you were a sea turtle wrecking a vespa, you wiped out, you are spinning, falling, road rash, curb OMG. OK. the tile/grout floor is not like the inside of a tub, and that curb was the huge rectangle box thing on a laptop battery because everyone has a laptop cord stretched across their bathroom floor right? right? OMG don’t judge me right now people ! I’m in so much pain ! I just smashed my wet shivering spine into a laptop battery after doing the ninja turtle break dance spin on your back move across my bathroom floor.
22-rethink parenting priorities because the only small comfort in your survivor life right now is that your injured, wet, cold self is laying on the dirty clothes your child left on the floor. again.
23- wipe your nose on their clothes because, no one is here to see it, and well you have told them to not leave their clothes on the floor a million times, plus I bet if it was one of their friends somebody in this house would have answered that text before the sending phone kicked into power save mode.
24- drag your body back to your bed, flop into it like a penguin because you have injured ever part of your body
25- spend the night in damp sheets withe dog hair and candy wrappers stuck to various parts of you because you drug yourself across the floor wet at 5am all because of a stupid leg cramp.
and that my friends is just one of the plethora of reasons you should feel so much better about yourself.
I’m just Being Peachy, even when I’m a falling apart moron. Take care my friends.