Happy Dry Hump Day

Posted on October 20, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

It’s Wednesday people, or as I call it, Dry Hump Day. So here’s a little racey humor sent to me in emails. The one today was sent in by Jeff A. Thanks for the funny Jeff.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird’

‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag…. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’

‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!’

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the UPS man..’

‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.

‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over….’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned if I know. I fell off my perch!’

Tell it Tuesday- Non Advice from ThePeachy1

Posted on October 19, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for “robin willimas man junk” I am so proud.) Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”

Dear Peachy,

I have been married for 3 years and I am wondering if I made the right choice. My husband drives me insane, I think it’s often on purpose. He does all the stereotypes; leaves the seat up, cap off the toothpaste, forgets the trash. Plus our sex life is tapering off to non existence while his addiction to sports make him boring. I try not to nag and complain but it sure seems like I am just a cooking-maid-sex robot.

thanks,

Sex Robot

Dear Sex Robot- first THANK YOU because the name sex robot will probably bring me boat loads of creepy pervs searching on that term, and what if they land on the Robin Williams man junk too? Double cool beans. What was your question. Oh yeah. The answer is marriage. Remember all the hard work and planning and dedication you had to go through to get the wedding together? That was 1 day, a marriage is work, compromise and growth everyday. I didn’t hear drinking any, beating, gambling, freeloading and cheating so it’s hard to say your dude sucks. Nagging will only put you in the Nag zone, I suggest skipping it and going straight to SUPER FREAK ( sex robot) don’t nag. just do things like epoxy the toilet seat down, but deal with the dribble ( your call which is worse?) . Putting the trash on his car as a gentle reminder, and as far as the sex, darling it takes 2 to tango so if your sex life is boring then y’all need to work that out on your own, talk, act, spice, whatever it’s your sexy robot time. You could indeed dress up like a sex robot. DSTSS. That’s Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. xo- ThePeachy1

Peach,

So what’s your deal? I can’t get a read on you. You bring the funny, make light of stuff and when you write serious ( even though you can’t spell) it’s pretty good. I saw you had a post about treating others how you want to be treated, but I see you post things that make you look like a backwoods Republican Idiot. So are you for or against stupid people. The haters shallow minded idiots who throw religion up as an excuse to block others from being happy. The racist hillbilly bigots too dumb to even know it’s 2010 not 1910. Where do you fall on it all? I’m guessing you wont have the balls to even answer this.

signed,

Upfront

Dear Upfront – I didn’t see anywhere that you asked for advice. But I have some from you anyway. You might want to get laid ( it helps with the pissy mood). I do live in the south. It’s 2010 for sure, we are getting indoor plumbing soon. But you are right, I don’t have balls. But I will use My husbands, my brothers, my cousins, my nephews, my fathers, my grandfathers and my great great great Grandfathers balls to let you know my family fought for your right to be an idiot in this great Country if you so chose. My Grandmother used to say, “If you can’t be nice at least be vague”. That sure is a pretty dress. xo- ThePeachy1

Dear The Peachy 1,

My best bud is my 11 year old pup named Napleon. He’s a french bulldog and awesome. But he has been licking his ass non stop for 3 weeks. I took him to the vet because I was freaked out. I mean it’s not his “jewels” it’s his ass. Who needs to lick their ass that much? The vet wants to do some butt procedure but I am thinking something could have caused this. Help me.

yours truly,

Anti Ass Licker

Dear Anti Ass Licker- OMG between you and Sex Robot I can only assume I will be pounded ( pun fully intended) by all kinds of sickos, pervs and spam. Awesome ! Ok I can actually help you with this. Has your dog been forced to watch the View, been audited by the IRS or eaten a lawyer lately? These things would make him lick his ass to get the bad taste out. xo- ThePeachy1

That’s it my lovelies.. Take care and feel free to send in any questions you might need non advice for. The general rule is 3 a week every Tuesday. BEINGPEACHY@GMAIL.COM

xo

PEACH OUT

Moronic Monday- Silkwood Showers

Posted on October 18, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

Hey there and welcome back to another edition of Moronic Monday. Where I hope that you are so distracted by my epically moronic stories from my past ( or present) and it gives you that little push to go forth and battle the dirty wench that is a Monday. I have a new found faith that you juicy warriors will kick Mondays ass this week and here is why.

If you are a Facebook or twitter friend then you know that the past few days of my life have been “offline” for a purpose. For the rest of you, I ran through the depths of hell. Kicking, screaming, gagging and hyperventilating the entire time.

If you have been reading along you know I FREAKING HATE BUGS!

Not the stereotypical woman on the chair screaming from a spider type of hate bugs. I mean the so entirely freaked out that you lose touch with all common sense and accidentally burn your house because of one type of FREAKING HATE.

I have a germ thing, a poultry thing, but the King Granddaddy of all my things is BUGS!

This year is the first year the Prince has not participated in a sport. This frees up a lot of time for us to do things. 3 months ago my neighbor alerted me to the fair coming up in October I was like, ” uhm yeah I think I went once like 6 years ago, really not my thing.” Then she asked if the Prince would be entering any exhibits. I laughed. We live in the country but we don’t own livestock, or grow things ( other than the occasional forgotten potato sprouting creepy eyes). We fall under the geeks and artists status. Then I found out that geeks and artists were totally allowed to do things at the fair. I set a plan in motion. The Prince would do an exhibt project with each family member which was best suited to that family members talent/skill set.

I sent out the orders like the General I am. Art with Big Sister ( aka the artist). Build something from wood from his Paw Paw ( that’s southern for Granddaddy). A craft with Skipper Grammy ( she’s had 2 strokes but has always enjoyed crafts. Baking with me. The uber science geek piece da la resitance- Bug Collection with my hubby the Droid.

So for months we have been saving bugs, catching bugs and putting them up to die quietly from within their little plastic coffins as we went about our daily lives. I made them store the dirty dead bugs walking out of my range of sight.

We worked on the other projects over the months, he visited each family member and learned from them. ( I will write about them soon)

Then it came time, time to actually make the bug display or as I call it, THE HELL BOX.

Before they were even released from their little bottles, we had to “identify” them. Can I just say right here people that Google Safe search does not adequately STOP you from viewing 10 thousand pictures of FREAKING BUGS? Here are some fun facts I could have seriously lived without. (1) There are more species of beetles than there are trees on the planet. ( great). (2) It’s nearly impossible to find a 20×20 box to display your dead bugs in as required by the rules. (3)Dead bugs stink, it’s the kind of “for the love of all that is good please cut my nose off my face” type stink. (4) Dead bugs are super fragile, antennas, legs, wings, and heads will fall off if not handled like weapons grade plutonium. (5)I am way more phobic about some things than I even realized.

Staring at thousands of bugs, counting their eyes in pictures and seeing details I could have lived my entire life without knowing and been fine. This brought nightmares to my world. But I knew that soon it would be done and out of my house and at a fairground far far away. I had to help research these bugs to make that happen even faster. As my first deadline of turning them in Saturday passed while I stayed at threat level Orange, I knew that Sunday I was going to go above and beyond any level of ICK I had ever known. I would have to help finish this to get it turned in on Sunday.

Sunday came with dread. I had thought ahead and purchased a bottle of wine, I never drink wine. I knew I had to steal my nerves and slip on my big entomologist panties to get this stuff done and turned in by 6pm. Because I want them out of my house in the worst way.

At 2pm not one bug was mounted. I have this OCD thing about lists and deadlines and having bugs in my house. This situation was the TriFecta for the perfect storm mental breakdown. I knew the battle would be hard but I geared up with rubber gloves, a snorkel mask and toothpaste under my nose. I looked ~~totally hot~~ just like the people on CSI.

I glued bugs to pins then the pins to foam boards and then to tags with their names. I did it. I completed bug 1. The project required 10. When I picked up bug #2 I realized I was actually sweating, and my breathing was not ok. I had actually already washed my hands with 2 kinds of soap 10 times by the end of bug #2 and found out immersion therapy is bull crap. I was elevated to Threat level Nuclear Melt Down.

I have blocked out as much as I can but I am pretty sure if nothing else the Prince learned that ~~his mom as a vast vocabulary and is not Superwoman~~ a lot of bugs look very similar. He also learned that his father will indeed hold a dead spider and jab it through the heart with a stick pin that has hot glue on the end of it. Somewhere in this incident I used an entire bottle of germ ex.

I then did what anyone would do. I took a Silkwood style shower with bleach and scrub brushes. Then a soak in the tub with wine. The wine tasted like crap, it did not help. A shot of vodka and a paper bag to breath in would have been much better tools for this nightmare.

But I need you all to know this. Nothing I repeat NOTHING is worth this. I will paper mache Mt Rushmore, build the coliseum out of toothpicks, actually travel in a rocket ship to collect moon rocks, and plaster of paris my eye ball before I will EVER hot glue another bug to any thing EVER.

So here it is.

Bug display, phobias, freak outs, wine, silkwood showers

Yes that's a military retirement ceremony box.

10 stores searched and no 20×20 box could be found. Fortunately my husband the Droid retired from the military and they gave him this super cool box for his metals and such. Oh it’s 20×20. It’s now the home of some stinking horrifying BUGS. Which just made it way more useful then our Military Health Care. But I might need that health care due to the bugs, I think I push 3 for mental health.

There you have it people. If you don’t have to smell decaying bugs, hot glue their freaking legs back on and stab dead spiders with pins today. You might have a better day then I did. ( Probably more skin also since I scrubbed all mine off)

XO

PEACH OUT

** 17 bugs were harmed in the making of this post. I don’t care, I hate freaking bugs, and I am glad they are dead.

** My entire body is all pink and raw due to the scrubbing and bleaching. I actually considered shaving my head. Yes I am this freaked out.

** We didn’t make the Saturday or Sunday turn in deadlines, so now I will have to sleep another night with these hellish creatures in my house and their hot glued to pin ghosts will haunt me until I can turn it in later today.

** The first place prize for this project is $1.50. I am an idiot.