Hey there and welcome back to another edition of Moronic Monday. Where I hope that you are so distracted by my epically moronic stories from my past ( or present) and it gives you that little push to go forth and battle the dirty wench that is a Monday. I have a new found faith that you juicy warriors will kick Mondays ass this week and here is why.
If you are a Facebook or twitter friend then you know that the past few days of my life have been “offline” for a purpose. For the rest of you, I ran through the depths of hell. Kicking, screaming, gagging and hyperventilating the entire time.
If you have been reading along you know I FREAKING HATE BUGS!
Not the stereotypical woman on the chair screaming from a spider type of hate bugs. I mean the so entirely freaked out that you lose touch with all common sense and accidentally burn your house because of one type of FREAKING HATE.
I have a germ thing, a poultry thing, but the King Granddaddy of all my things is BUGS!
This year is the first year the Prince has not participated in a sport. This frees up a lot of time for us to do things. 3 months ago my neighbor alerted me to the fair coming up in October I was like, ” uhm yeah I think I went once like 6 years ago, really not my thing.” Then she asked if the Prince would be entering any exhibits. I laughed. We live in the country but we don’t own livestock, or grow things ( other than the occasional forgotten potato sprouting creepy eyes). We fall under the geeks and artists status. Then I found out that geeks and artists were totally allowed to do things at the fair. I set a plan in motion. The Prince would do an exhibt project with each family member which was best suited to that family members talent/skill set.
I sent out the orders like the General I am. Art with Big Sister ( aka the artist). Build something from wood from his Paw Paw ( that’s southern for Granddaddy). A craft with Skipper Grammy ( she’s had 2 strokes but has always enjoyed crafts. Baking with me. The uber science geek piece da la resitance- Bug Collection with my hubby the Droid.
So for months we have been saving bugs, catching bugs and putting them up to die quietly from within their little plastic coffins as we went about our daily lives. I made them store the dirty dead bugs walking out of my range of sight.
We worked on the other projects over the months, he visited each family member and learned from them. ( I will write about them soon)
Then it came time, time to actually make the bug display or as I call it, THE HELL BOX.
Before they were even released from their little bottles, we had to “identify” them. Can I just say right here people that Google Safe search does not adequately STOP you from viewing 10 thousand pictures of FREAKING BUGS? Here are some fun facts I could have seriously lived without. (1) There are more species of beetles than there are trees on the planet. ( great). (2) It’s nearly impossible to find a 20×20 box to display your dead bugs in as required by the rules. (3)Dead bugs stink, it’s the kind of “for the love of all that is good please cut my nose off my face” type stink. (4) Dead bugs are super fragile, antennas, legs, wings, and heads will fall off if not handled like weapons grade plutonium. (5)I am way more phobic about some things than I even realized.
Staring at thousands of bugs, counting their eyes in pictures and seeing details I could have lived my entire life without knowing and been fine. This brought nightmares to my world. But I knew that soon it would be done and out of my house and at a fairground far far away. I had to help research these bugs to make that happen even faster. As my first deadline of turning them in Saturday passed while I stayed at threat level Orange, I knew that Sunday I was going to go above and beyond any level of ICK I had ever known. I would have to help finish this to get it turned in on Sunday.
Sunday came with dread. I had thought ahead and purchased a bottle of wine, I never drink wine. I knew I had to steal my nerves and slip on my big entomologist panties to get this stuff done and turned in by 6pm. Because I want them out of my house in the worst way.
At 2pm not one bug was mounted. I have this OCD thing about lists and deadlines and having bugs in my house. This situation was the TriFecta for the perfect storm mental breakdown. I knew the battle would be hard but I geared up with rubber gloves, a snorkel mask and toothpaste under my nose. I looked
totally hot just like the people on CSI.
I glued bugs to pins then the pins to foam boards and then to tags with their names. I did it. I completed bug 1. The project required 10. When I picked up bug #2 I realized I was actually sweating, and my breathing was not ok. I had actually already washed my hands with 2 kinds of soap 10 times by the end of bug #2 and found out immersion therapy is bull crap. I was elevated to Threat level Nuclear Melt Down.
I have blocked out as much as I can but I am pretty sure if nothing else the Prince learned that
his mom as a vast vocabulary and is not Superwoman a lot of bugs look very similar. He also learned that his father will indeed hold a dead spider and jab it through the heart with a stick pin that has hot glue on the end of it. Somewhere in this incident I used an entire bottle of germ ex.
I then did what anyone would do. I took a Silkwood style shower with bleach and scrub brushes. Then a soak in the tub with wine. The wine tasted like crap, it did not help. A shot of vodka and a paper bag to breath in would have been much better tools for this nightmare.
But I need you all to know this. Nothing I repeat NOTHING is worth this. I will paper mache Mt Rushmore, build the coliseum out of toothpicks, actually travel in a rocket ship to collect moon rocks, and plaster of paris my eye ball before I will EVER hot glue another bug to any thing EVER.
So here it is.
10 stores searched and no 20×20 box could be found. Fortunately my husband the Droid retired from the military and they gave him this super cool box for his metals and such. Oh it’s 20×20. It’s now the home of some stinking horrifying BUGS. Which just made it way more useful then our Military Health Care. But I might need that health care due to the bugs, I think I push 3 for mental health.
There you have it people. If you don’t have to smell decaying bugs, hot glue their freaking legs back on and stab dead spiders with pins today. You might have a better day then I did. ( Probably more skin also since I scrubbed all mine off)
** 17 bugs were harmed in the making of this post. I don’t care, I hate freaking bugs, and I am glad they are dead.
** My entire body is all pink and raw due to the scrubbing and bleaching. I actually considered shaving my head. Yes I am this freaked out.
** We didn’t make the Saturday or Sunday turn in deadlines, so now I will have to sleep another night with these hellish creatures in my house and their hot glued to pin ghosts will haunt me until I can turn it in later today.
** The first place prize for this project is $1.50. I am an idiot.
You and I both know the South is the best place to find bugs.. I think that is probably where my deep seeded hatred of bugs come from. There are bugs down there that look like mutant stone age bugs. ICKY.
You get the good Mama of the year award for this one!!
Well dont go through the bayou, because the bayou has LOTS of bugs.
Well I know what I’m changing my FB picture to. LOL 😉
@Justin- no worries there, I do not like the bugs, I do not like the gator ( unless it’s cooked or shoes) so I DEFINITELY avoid the bayou.
@DemonCry- go ahead and change your FB picture to a bug you turd, I will call your wife and we will exterminate you.
@Holly- I knew I had a thing about heights, and poultry and recently ( last 4 years) figured out that they might be a bit on the OCD side, like my hand washing, I thought everyone freaked over bugs like I did, but no, I nearly barfed turning it in at the fair, because the grand daddy long legs, legs moved ! in the glass, I don’t need that kind of stress. I want to live in a maintained condo on the beach. My phobias are getting worse with age. ( not that I am old)