Thursday- HELP

Posted on October 21, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

Ok so I know this day is usually reserved for Fun with Facebook friends but I need your help interwebz.

I am honored that I was selected for the Traveling notebook. I really did act like I just got engaged when it got in my hands.

But I have been staring at, brooding over it and I seriously need your help.

Here’s the deal. I get 1 page. 1 page that I am to write something, profound, meaningful, or whatever down on. I got nothing. I have NEVER had writers block. I think the thing is this is like a permanent record and I get 1 shot, and 1 page.

I can’t pin down 1 certain memory from my life as my happiest, I am not profound, and this is my one chance on one page to put something that represents me.

Maybe I feel there is more of me than 1 page, or looking deeper it’s not about me. It’s about those who have helped me form who I am, who I became, the good, and the bad. But what do I say, show or share.

Any advice or suggestions are definitely welcome because I got nothing here folks, nothing. Or maybe I just have too much.

xo

PEACH OUT

please leave your suggestions in the comments or if you prefer email them to me at beingpeachy@gmail.com but do it fast because I am running out of time. NO PRESSURE. HELP !

Happy Dry Hump Day

Posted on October 20, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

It’s Wednesday people, or as I call it, Dry Hump Day. So here’s a little racey humor sent to me in emails. The one today was sent in by Jeff A. Thanks for the funny Jeff.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

‘I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird’

‘Oh yeah?’ the guy asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag…. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’

‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!’

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the UPS man..’

‘What are you talking about?’ asks the guy.

‘When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy asks incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over….’

Then the frantic guy demands, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned if I know. I fell off my perch!’

Tell it Tuesday- Non Advice from ThePeachy1

Posted on October 19, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for “robin willimas man junk” I am so proud.) Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”

Dear Peachy,

I have been married for 3 years and I am wondering if I made the right choice. My husband drives me insane, I think it’s often on purpose. He does all the stereotypes; leaves the seat up, cap off the toothpaste, forgets the trash. Plus our sex life is tapering off to non existence while his addiction to sports make him boring. I try not to nag and complain but it sure seems like I am just a cooking-maid-sex robot.

thanks,

Sex Robot

Dear Sex Robot- first THANK YOU because the name sex robot will probably bring me boat loads of creepy pervs searching on that term, and what if they land on the Robin Williams man junk too? Double cool beans. What was your question. Oh yeah. The answer is marriage. Remember all the hard work and planning and dedication you had to go through to get the wedding together? That was 1 day, a marriage is work, compromise and growth everyday. I didn’t hear drinking any, beating, gambling, freeloading and cheating so it’s hard to say your dude sucks. Nagging will only put you in the Nag zone, I suggest skipping it and going straight to SUPER FREAK ( sex robot) don’t nag. just do things like epoxy the toilet seat down, but deal with the dribble ( your call which is worse?) . Putting the trash on his car as a gentle reminder, and as far as the sex, darling it takes 2 to tango so if your sex life is boring then y’all need to work that out on your own, talk, act, spice, whatever it’s your sexy robot time. You could indeed dress up like a sex robot. DSTSS. That’s Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff. xo- ThePeachy1

Peach,

So what’s your deal? I can’t get a read on you. You bring the funny, make light of stuff and when you write serious ( even though you can’t spell) it’s pretty good. I saw you had a post about treating others how you want to be treated, but I see you post things that make you look like a backwoods Republican Idiot. So are you for or against stupid people. The haters shallow minded idiots who throw religion up as an excuse to block others from being happy. The racist hillbilly bigots too dumb to even know it’s 2010 not 1910. Where do you fall on it all? I’m guessing you wont have the balls to even answer this.

signed,

Upfront

Dear Upfront – I didn’t see anywhere that you asked for advice. But I have some from you anyway. You might want to get laid ( it helps with the pissy mood). I do live in the south. It’s 2010 for sure, we are getting indoor plumbing soon. But you are right, I don’t have balls. But I will use My husbands, my brothers, my cousins, my nephews, my fathers, my grandfathers and my great great great Grandfathers balls to let you know my family fought for your right to be an idiot in this great Country if you so chose. My Grandmother used to say, “If you can’t be nice at least be vague”. That sure is a pretty dress. xo- ThePeachy1

Dear The Peachy 1,

My best bud is my 11 year old pup named Napleon. He’s a french bulldog and awesome. But he has been licking his ass non stop for 3 weeks. I took him to the vet because I was freaked out. I mean it’s not his “jewels” it’s his ass. Who needs to lick their ass that much? The vet wants to do some butt procedure but I am thinking something could have caused this. Help me.

yours truly,

Anti Ass Licker

Dear Anti Ass Licker- OMG between you and Sex Robot I can only assume I will be pounded ( pun fully intended) by all kinds of sickos, pervs and spam. Awesome ! Ok I can actually help you with this. Has your dog been forced to watch the View, been audited by the IRS or eaten a lawyer lately? These things would make him lick his ass to get the bad taste out. xo- ThePeachy1

That’s it my lovelies.. Take care and feel free to send in any questions you might need non advice for. The general rule is 3 a week every Tuesday. BEINGPEACHY@GMAIL.COM