I have never had a job in the food industry that involved getting a tip. Like most people in my age group my first job was fast food and that is a NO TIPPING ZONE.   However when I grew up I realized that tipping was vital you could tell a lot about your waitstaff by the way they handled you and interacted and even more about the people you were eating with when it came tip time.  That’s hard work, honestly I probably couldn’t pull it off, I could be a bartender, but not a waitress. I have the clumsy gene.  I have a sincere respect for anyone that does their job well and tipping is where I get to show it.

I am a tipper. A kabillion years ago I used the 10%  or 15% tipping rules and then I said you know what?  MATH SUCKS !!  Math sucks more than my friend in high school did in the  all those back seats. ( ZING !)

I blame Mr B.  for my math issues.  Like most math and history teachers he was also possibly sleeping with students a Coach and teaching  higher math was just the justification of keeping him on staff even though our teams never won the entire 4 years I spent at that high school. Making him not only a sucky math teacher but clearly a sucky coach.

If he would have been more like this teacher I probably wouldn’t have a panic attack every time I come in contact with numbers an aversion to math.

(You can literally get lost in all the singing math and science teachers on youtube. It makes me feel all robbed and stuff..)

So anyway as I have gotten older my tips are no longer based on some random socially acceptable % of my bill.  ( I am all about bucking the system folks)  It is now based on my service.  If you make me smile and have a good time and get my order right you get a bigger tip. If you suck and you are texting on your cell phone in full view instead of getting me my food that has been sitting under the stinking serving warmer for 20 minutes chances are I wont be helping you out with that car payment caliber tip you were looking for.  If you try just too damn hard and come off creepy you get something  between the , “I would personally hire you” and  “maybe you should try actually working at work” tip range.

My daughter in college is working her way through it.  She doesn’t work in the food industry or a tipping type job. However she has a position that involves her overseeing several people in customer service and speaks to her coworkers about making it a pleasant experience.   She learned from me I will walk out of a shoe store or home improvement store and simply chose not to give my money to a place with crappy employees and customer service.  At some point the customer became ” not always right”,  and service wasn’t a priority, hell it’s not even on the job description.  At some point I decided I don’t have to spend my money at those places.  There’s too many other choices.  I hate being treated like I am an inconvenience by making the person on the clock actually do their job.

So yesterday I had the Prince and his little buddy with me on my errands.  Being all cool and stuff and it being 3 kabillion degrees out. I pulled into Sonic for their awesome  2-4 happy hour drink special.  We ordered, the total flashed on the screen I swiped my card and the funky thing  looked like it took and then blanked out.   Within seconds  a cute young girl on skates delivered our small order. I told her I wasn’t sure if I had paid because the machine went all wonky,  as she tried pushing the order into our car faster than I could grab it thus causing the spill of one of the colorful drinks all over my car interior.  ” I said whoops hold on, the boys can’t hold everything so fast”. In stead of exuding any type of  “oh no, let me help behavior” she let a Humph noise and I overlooked it.  Skates, heat, slow moving customer= pain in her butt.  Then she asked me for money, it was a nominal amount but I explained I had swiped my card and wanted to make sure it didn’t go through.  She said, ” you can either give me your card or cash”..  I was actually a little taken aback since that didn’t address my concern but I  grabbed my purse to give her cash since there is no way in HADES  I was giving her my credit card.   I handed her enough money to cover our bill plus a little over a 25% tip for her lack of patience.  She said, ” hold on for your change” in a tone of disgust and I said, ” no that’s your tip”.  She then rolled her eyes and skated away.  OH PULEZZE  TELL ME  YOU DIDN’T…

Now I tip higher when I am a pain in the ass.  That’s my personal rule. I know I am not always easy ( unlike that friend in high school I mentioned earlier, yes 2 zings in one non related post ).  So I make a conscious effort to tip more for the inconvenience I cause and for the toleration you show to my obvious asshattedness.  However if your dumb little skirt wearing stick person body, roller skating butt has the nerve to roll your eyes at me while your in the parking lot of me and my soon to be moving car. You are really really stupid.  Do you realize how many soccer moms are one eye roll away from justifiable homicide?   In addition just in case you didn’t know there is a phone number on the receipt for a survey.  I didn’t call today. Because I like calling and saying nice things, unless you make me want to stab you with a #2 pencil.  You were really close today little girl.   I hope while you are counting your tips you count your blessings.  Because you were one loud sigh and chest heave away from me busting out all bat crazy on you and wrestling my tip back.

BRING BACK THE CUSTOMER SERVICE PEOPLE !!!!!!!!!

PEACH OUT..