TAIT Thursday- zombies and captives

Posted on June 24, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in FaceBook Fun

It’s TAIT- Thats Think about it Thursday where my friends on Facebook become unknowing fodder for my Blog. I have awesome smart, funny and kinda quirky friends. If your Facebook is not like mine, well your doing it wrong.

Last week I was attacked and bitten on the face by a zombie spider. Some friends cheered, some were sad, some were worried and some wanted pictures. There were over 4 threads all with varying lengths on this topic. Here is just one.

remember this is 3 days into my posts about it...

facebook friends, zombie spider bites on your face

You guys are not making me feel better about this. Except Traci

OK so you can pretty much see how it goes with my friends, some care, some are thoughtful, some are just sick and when I say sick I mean in the, I couldn’t love you anymore if you brought me chocolate, ok I was wrong that would be even better.

But they wanted pictures so I gave them one.

the comments on here were plentiful and helpful

Here’s just a few of them…

facebook the zombie apcolyps zombie diets

you can't buy these kind of friends

Math makes me sad and often stabby..

Posted on June 23, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

I have never had a job in the food industry that involved getting a tip. Like most people in my age group my first job was fast food and that is a NO TIPPING ZONE. However when I grew up I realized that tipping was vital you could tell a lot about your waitstaff by the way they handled you and interacted and even more about the people you were eating with when it came tip time. That’s hard work, honestly I probably couldn’t pull it off, I could be a bartender, but not a waitress. I have the clumsy gene. I have a sincere respect for anyone that does their job well and tipping is where I get to show it.

I am a tipper. A kabillion years ago I used the 10% or 15% tipping rules and then I said you know what? MATH SUCKS !! Math sucks more than my friend in high school did in the all those back seats. ( ZING !)

I blame Mr B. for my math issues. Like most math and history teachers he was also ~~possibly sleeping with students~~ a Coach and teaching higher math was just the justification of keeping him on staff even though our teams never won the entire 4 years I spent at that high school. Making him not only a sucky math teacher but clearly a sucky coach.

If he would have been more like this teacher I probably wouldn’t have ~~a panic attack every time I come in contact with numbers~~ an aversion to math.

(You can literally get lost in all the singing math and science teachers on youtube. It makes me feel all robbed and stuff..)

So anyway as I have gotten older my tips are no longer based on some random socially acceptable % of my bill. ( I am all about bucking the system folks) It is now based on my service. If you make me smile and have a good time and get my order right you get a bigger tip. If you suck and you are texting on your cell phone in full view instead of getting me my food that has been sitting under the stinking serving warmer for 20 minutes chances are I wont be helping you out with that car payment caliber tip you were looking for. If you try just too damn hard and come off creepy you get something between the , “I would personally hire you” and “maybe you should try actually working at work” tip range.

My daughter in college is working her way through it. She doesn’t work in the food industry or a tipping type job. However she has a position that involves her overseeing several people in customer service and speaks to her coworkers about making it a pleasant experience. She learned from me I will walk out of a shoe store or home improvement store and simply chose not to give my money to a place with crappy employees and customer service. At some point the customer became ” not always right”, and service wasn’t a priority, hell it’s not even on the job description. At some point I decided I don’t have to spend my money at those places. There’s too many other choices. I hate being treated like I am an inconvenience by making the person on the clock actually do their job.

So yesterday I had the Prince and his little buddy with me on my errands. Being all cool and stuff and it being 3 kabillion degrees out. I pulled into Sonic for their awesome 2-4 happy hour drink special. We ordered, the total flashed on the screen I swiped my card and the funky thing looked like it took and then blanked out. Within seconds a cute young girl on skates delivered our small order. I told her I wasn’t sure if I had paid because the machine went all wonky, as she tried pushing the order into our car faster than I could grab it thus causing the spill of one of the colorful drinks all over my car interior. ” I said whoops hold on, the boys can’t hold everything so fast”. In stead of exuding any type of “oh no, let me help behavior” she let a Humph noise and I overlooked it. Skates, heat, slow moving customer= pain in her butt. Then she asked me for money, it was a nominal amount but I explained I had swiped my card and wanted to make sure it didn’t go through. She said, ” you can either give me your card or cash”.. I was actually a little taken aback since that didn’t address my concern but I grabbed my purse to give her cash since there is no way in HADES I was giving her my credit card. I handed her enough money to cover our bill plus a little over a 25% tip for her ~~lack of~~ patience. She said, ” hold on for your change” in a tone of disgust and I said, ” no that’s your tip”. She then rolled her eyes and skated away. OH PULEZZE TELL ME YOU DIDN’T…

Now I tip higher when I am a pain in the ass. That’s my personal rule. I know I am not always easy ( unlike that friend in high school I mentioned earlier, yes 2 zings in one non related post ). So I make a conscious effort to tip more for the inconvenience I cause and for the toleration you show to my obvious asshattedness. However if your dumb little skirt wearing stick person body, roller skating butt has the nerve to roll your eyes at me while your in the parking lot of me and my soon to be moving car. You are really really stupid. Do you realize how many soccer moms are one eye roll away from justifiable homicide? In addition just in case you didn’t know there is a phone number on the receipt for a survey. I didn’t call today. Because I like calling and saying nice things, unless you make me want to stab you with a #2 pencil. You were really close today little girl. I hope while you are counting your tips you count your blessings. Because you were one loud sigh and chest heave away from me busting out all bat crazy on you and wrestling my tip back.

BRING BACK THE CUSTOMER SERVICE PEOPLE !!!!!!!!!

PEACH OUT..

Tell it Tuesday

Posted on June 22, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

So here we are with the second edition of Tell It Tuesday. (cue applause light now)

In some ~~dumbass~~ brilliant flash of light I decided a week or so ago ago I should offer advice on here every Tuesday in my new Feature “Tell it Tuesday”. Since I get a couple emails asking for it I figured why not. Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except last week I found out I was ranked number 3 in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” (Not making this up the link to the screenshot is right here. ) So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of Christ on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”. Take it or leave it, but please go ahead and send in your questions your real name and email will never be posted. Send your questions to beingpeachy@gmail.com I got some really great email but I just couldn’t answer some of them without proper vodka incentive, ~~here are the ones I could take on sober~~ this week.

And awaaaay we go.

TELL IT TUESDAY- A NON ADVICE COLUMN

HI Peachy,

I live in a noxious home. Between my husband, my two boys and the 3 dogs. There is always a strong stank of fart in my home. I know it’s in the carpets and drape and furniture. No amount of febreeze or plug ins will help. Any advice?

signed,
Stinkage Sufferer

Dear Stinkage Sufferer, I have a black lab that every winter lays with her butt toward the fireplace prompting me to sit nearby holding my breath and a fire extinguisher. I am sure her farts will shoot her projectile style across the family room when the chimney finally ignites them. I can not even imagine 3 humans and 2 dogs STANKING up the place. Do you feed them a lot of brussle sprouts and beans? Or any other fart famous food? You ruled out everything I can think of you can legally do oh wait I have it here’s a couple of ideas and you could make a profit on the side. #1 Buy stock in bean-o. #2 Buy actual Bean-o in bulk ( or if your a blogger you could get them as a sponsor?). Make them take it daily like vitamins in fact you painstakingly carve/shape them like Flinstones and use food coloring to convince them. Then you should also probably crush up some and add them to every meal. You might also want to consider purchasing one of these.

Best wishes… Peachy1

HUGE Bean o Fart relief and stylish gas masks

2 options- Maybe go for both? You could totally pull of the gas mask look.

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Dear ThePeachy1,

I need a great recipe for a pound cake. I have a big family function coming up and if I can pull off a fantastic pound cake they will finally take me and my cooking skills serious.

please help,
Great Chef in the Making

Dear Great Chef in the Making, uhm I think you have me confused with June Cleaver or any of the other Cleaveresc type bloggers out there. I own an oven. I can in desperation or depression kick out some mad bakery skills. But I have never used a recipe in my life. So I have these instructions for you. Go to the Grocery store. Buy a Sara Lee Pound Cake. take it home and dump it on your platter, then lay strawberries around it or something fancy that goes with pound cake other than a fork( my only pound cake accessory is a fork). If someone at the party asks for the recipe you could be found out. So go ahead and google crappy pound cake recipes. Then when you find a really bad one, you need to add an extra cup of salt or baked beans, then hand write it on an index card and give it to them. They will never be able to produce the delish Sara Lee Pound cake from the craptastic recipe you gave them and thus your status as awesome baker will be vaulted to the top. You can do this with almost anything but always dispose of the evidence like it’s a CIA mission. Or you will be busted. Good luck. ( PS- being taken seriously by your family is WAY over rated. don’t try so hard. )ThePeachy1

pound cake recipe, french pound cake, pound cake and fruit, sarah lee

This photo is from http://www.theworldwidegourmet.com and they have a recipe too.

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Dear Peach;

My nieghbors are insane. They have 8 cars in their yard in addition to a boat and a camper. They are loud and always half dressed. I want them OUT but we don’t have a HOA. Any advice?

Thanks,
Wanting them Gone

Dear Wanting them Gone. So you are seeing troublesome Jed Clampett type neighbors I am seeing exotic new friends. Clearly they have assets 8 cars? Excellent, a camper and a boat? Heck to the yeah. You could probably get a boat trip for the cost of a 6 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon or gallon jug of MD 20/20. The camper? Perfect guest room for your visiting in laws, that should slow down those pesky visits. I am seeing your obviously a glass half full kind of girl, because loud neighbors with tons of goodies is a plus in my book. I am guessing they are probably also gun collectors HUGE BONUS. It sounds like the type of neighbor that would shoot a burglar climbing through your window for you and then drag the body into the street or maybe throw it off a bridge for you. ( so if you lock yourself out tell them before you send your spouse to climb through a window or it could end badly) Still if you’re not sold on the idea of them being neighbors you can always do the sure fire run off the neighbors protocol I have perfected. Step #1 have a garage sale, every weekend really early, and have people block their driveway. If they come over and buy stuff, wait 12 hours and “borrow it back then don’t return it. Then put it in next weekends garage sale with a higher price tag”. In fact step 2 is to actually borrow stuff, constantly, especially things you can’t return. ” Can I borrow your toilet paper?” ” uhm no but you can have it.” If you have to escalate it, borrow their vehicles and leave them along side of the road and then when they see your home but their car isn’t say something like, ” I can’t believe how inconsiderate you are. You should really warn someone about that broken gas gage, it’s on HWY 53″ then slam the door all mad and stuff.. But if neither of these ideas seem to be up your alley, then just build a fence.. Good fences make good neighbors. I was really worried when the lady down the road built a chicken coop, until I found out I can get fresh eggs. Also you said they are half dressed? Which half? Here’s some pictures to help you get a baseline on bad and not so bad, any of these could be from my neighborhood . Love, ThePeachy1

you want more just type redneck in google and hit images.

and with that I think we all need to run to our kitchens and thaw out a Sara Lee pound cake to take to our neighbors to show how grateful we are that they are not the people above. Also even though a HOA can make all your yards be perfect and your paint colors within reason, my only experience with them were dirty little notes left for insane reasons. So I am probably that neighbor that’s driving you bat crazy. Wait a second.. James ? Lee? Aunt Jane? is that you guys giving me a hint?

PEACH OUT…