Tell it Tuesday- The Non Advice Column

Posted on August 10, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

*SPECIAL NOTICE* I would really like to thank my internet provider for going down last night while I was attempting to publish this post for today. But they went above and beyond their duty by staying down for 12 hours. Obviously they are super Jedi Ninjas and deserve my money. Sorry for the late posting..

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it, I have been 3 and 4 for over 5 weeks.. So proud. So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Proud to announce I am featured over on OverThinkingMama today
for her TellAllTuesday interview.

Dear Peachy,

My 13 year old did not get on the football team. This is the first year the try outs actually eliminated people. He has played since he was 7. Try outs were usually just to pick a team. My husband and I are so upset I am thinking of filing a complaint with the school board. He wasn’t ever the best player, but he wasn’t the worst all those years either. Should we get a lawyer before we go to the school board.
singed,
Ticked off and sad

Dear Ticked off and sad- are you an idiot? seriously? read what you sent me. “try out” and word “cut” came from you. Obviously your kid wasn’t the worst when they let every kid play but when it came time to select the few who were really good your kid didn’t make it. Also notice you said, “you and your husband were upset”. You didn’t mention how your kid felt. Lawyer? School Board? WTF is wrong with you. I am sure your kid is really good at something but football may not be his thing or maybe just not this year, find out what he likes and help him suceed at that. If EVERY kid does everything they want ( or their parents want) then they think they are entitled to things and deserve things. You don’t need a lawyer you need a shrink, it’s nutbag cornholios who are turning this countries future adults into spoiled precious snowflakes. If you can’t pass the grade, FAIL. If you can’t succeed at a sport, you don’t make the team. This is what teaches them that if they suck and fail they wont be a rich CEO, makes them accept reality and strive harder or learn how to drop fries for a living.
ThePeachy1

Dearest ThePeachy1:

My life is really great, I have 2 great kids, a dog, a gorgeous house and a brand new car. The downside is I have a cheating husband. He’s handsome and smart and has an great career that affords us all the wonderful things that I mentioned. He even took one of his girlfriends to a corporate function and introduced her as me, even though everyone he works with knows me and knew it wasn’t me no one confronted him, instead a couple of the other wives sent me text messages and pictures of him with her. I don’t want to give up our good life and tear the kids apart. I don’t want to go back to work and frankly I don’t care if he cheats as long as he is discreet. But now I am embarrassed because everyone at his work had it thrown in their face. I have no clue what to do.

thank you,
Embarassed Wife

Dear Embarassed Wife- Why would you be embarassed you didn’t do it, he did, and now everyone he works with knows what a shitard he is. I noticed that you pointed out all the financial gains you have from your marriage and in your own words said life is “really great” . You also point out you don’t care except you’re embarrassed because other people know. The only advice I can give you is a line from my Grandma. “Pick your bed and lie in it.” My addition to that is, and ” if you don’t like it change the sheets or get a new bed.” If you can live in that type of marriage because the pro’s far outweigh the cons then it’s your choice. You could lay out rules for him. If you can’t deal with it and start feeling a bit stabby ( like most women I know) DO NOT hire a hitman, (they will totally roll over on you), however you can take those pics and those witness statements and hire your self a really nice upper class lawyer just like you and take him to the cleaners and keep all the wonderful things you love so much. Including his nuts if your lawyer is really good. If you are really happy with your life and don’t want to change it, explain to the other wives that you allowed him to take this girl to the event because it was payback for the week you are about to spend in Jamica with that hot tight cabana boy.
ThePeachy1

Peaches;

Please help me out. I just got arrested for my 6th DUI. I am not an alcoholic. I have a great lawyer that got 4 of them dismissed to a lessor charge. The problem is I can not afford him and my parents and friends wont help me with the cost anymore. I do not want to lose my car or my license because I like to travel. My only option is a loan and I have a friend who said they will co-sign because he was out partying with me 2 of the times I got popped. But it wouldn’t let me hire the same lawyer so I don’t know if I could kick the wrap.

Traveling Man

Traveling Man- you can not say 6th DUI and not an alcoholic in the same damn sentence. You need to suck on a bottle of reality and I think jail might be your best cure. I am so pissed at your Astouding Asstardedness right now I can barely type. Pack your bags traveling man I hope your journey is long. Go to rehab go to jail, whatever just stay off the roads before you hurt somebody. Sell your car and buy a bicycle then you can only hurt yourself and some shrubbery, after you get out of jail.
The Peachy1

That’s it for today folks 3 answers to 3 emails that’s the drill. Remember if you want my non advice please send in your questions to beingpeachy@gmail.com

You might not want to write me looking for pity or a cure for your own stupidity. this is an advice column not a magic wand. I ain’t your fairy godmother.

PEACH OUT

If you are all done here why don’t you hop over and check out my interview on

OverthinkingMama

Moronic Monday- Fire Crotch

Posted on August 9, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

Hello my dear friends today is the day that a lot of us go forth in epic battle against our common foe. Monday. Monday sucks so bad even the calendar says “WTF” after a Monday.

As a BeingPeachy tradition I share a story from my past that points out just how big of an asshat one person can be. Particularly me. I throw any remanents of pride under the bus like a mobster trying to make a plea deal. Since this Moronic Monday thing has been going on for a while it’s pretty clear I have only the residue of pride left.

But there is a point to all my self deprecating humor, it is to make you smile and get you through your Monday battle with the hopes that you can be a little less of a Moron than ~~I always am~~ have been.

The setting: my house, well over a decade ago.
The issue: I had to wear pantyhose to work every day even in the sweltering heat. That weekend I had been on this mad hiking trip in 3782 degree weather with 700% humidity. I think I wore jorts because it was the 90’s and I was that cool. To finish off my trilogy of terror the next day I went to a 50 acre water park and proudly sloshed my wet shorts over my bathing suit wearing sexy self over every inch of that hell pit.

As ~~all~~ most of you ladies who experience insane heat know there are 3 deadly things to avoid in extreme heat.

1-Long walks/hiking in the heat in jorts ( thigh length jean shorts).
2-Short walks in extreme heat wearing panty hose.
3- Wet shorts over your bathing suit at a huge water park after doing 1 or 2.

So you get the picture. If you don’t here is a visual aid. My thighs had less skin on them than your knuckles after a cheese grater incident.

Thank you Walt Disney for lending me tinks butt as a visual aid.

Yes even the fold where your butt cheeks meets your thighs was red and skinless. (if you know not which fold I speak of, you’re young show your but off while you can, soon you will be able to hold a pencil there). I know hot right? You think I’m sexy, you want to kiss me.

I tried everything and let me tell you people soaking in a tub is like sitting in boric acid, not really a brilliant idea when you are in the chaffed thighs and butt hall of fame.

So I sat around the house in a sun dress going commando cause that’s my privilege plus the idea of fabric even possibly touching my thighs made me scream in an octave high enough to break glass.

After about the 30th ibuprofen chugged down with medicinal vodka. I went to the cupboard like old Mother Hubbard to dig for some type of glorious topical relief.

Then I saw THIS and I heard Angels singing.

gold bond cream and angels singing for quick relief

I only saw the parts I underlined. Quick Fix - Relief . blah help. Angels singing

I had never used this product and had no idea how it ended up in my cabinet. Clearly it was divine intervention. ~~or I bought it when my kids had poison ivy/sumac/oak.~~

So I grabbed the tube of angelic cream that promised a quick fix, fast relief and all that jazz. ~~probably because my judgement was impaired due to alcohol and or pain~~.

I slathered up my thighs and butt like I was putting on SPF Eleventy Kabillion for my trip to the surface of the sun.

Confident in my new found angelic cure I walked into the living room and flopped my sun dress wearing commando butt on the couch. The events that followed will be reenacted with interpretative dance since I am pretty sure I either blocked it out or blacked out not sure.

diagram of what mushes together when a woman crosses her legs

Important information aka the beginning of the end..

This seems like a good time for an important PSA

Sensitive girly parts + RAGING FIRE CREAM OF DEATH = FIRE CROTCH

I call this one the flaming crotch of death.

In the midst of the medicinal scalding of my lovely lady hump. I thought fast and headed for the bathroom to rinse of my milkshake and stop the pain. I was so graceful and lady like I heard it looked like a ballet.

I realize that looks like a squid shot out of my crotch, but it's interpretative dance people, those are flames

This ends the interpretive dance section of this post. ~~( mostly because I suck at it )~~.

The truth is. If you ever had a dog, or been at someones house with a dog, or seen a dog in a park or a neighbors yard. You already know what I looked like.

All reports say this is a more accurate depiction of my movements

and I screamed .. ” E ! E! E!” all the way ~~home~~ to the bathtub, where I flipped myself over the edge of the tub like a walrus and put my hoo hah as close to the ice cold running water as possible for a few ~~hours~~ minutes.

There ya have it guys, do NOT chemically scald your cooter today and there’s a good chance your Monday will be better than mine. My name is ThePeachy1 and I suffer from Epic Asshattedness.

PEACH OUT !

** DISCLAIMER** 2 thighs and 1 Vaj were critically injured during in the making of this post. However they have recovered nicely since it was about a decade ago. They are still in therapy working out their hatred for me.

**ANOTHER DISCLAIMER** this is not a sponsored post, a review or anything other than a story of me being a twit. Obviously who would pay for advertising like that?”

This Week in Peachyland

Posted on August 8, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

So it’s been a big and wonderful weekend for all you fellow bloggers that went to blogher. Whatever I might be pissed that I was stuck in the deep south with a lamp haunted by H at http://www.midwestermamah.blogspot.com . Also I don’t have blisters or new blackmail photos being tweeted by 2500 screaming women. So there.

Let’s just take a zen type moment to reflect on this week in my world.

On Moronic Monday I shared how I dated a pro football player and dumped him very publicly due to the fact he was a stalker muffin.

On Tell it Tuesday I had to flake out at the last minute and H from MidWesternMamaH slipped in giving some of the most awesome advice ever. Even my stinking traitor husband said she gave great advice. Thanks H for covering my ass like an extra large depends. You obviously rock.

On WTF Wednesday I explain more about my muffin man theory and give excellent examples of stupid athletes with stuff my dad ( the king of forwarding shit) sent to me which means they are the gospel truth.

On Thursday it was Fun with Facebook Friends and this time it was NOT my wall but a friend that I don’t know. It contained blow up dolls, man caves, inflatable sheep and donkeys dressed like the Amish.. Hand to cheesecake people. I couldn’t’ make this up if I wanted to.

On Funny Stuff Friday I shared some pictures you guys have emailed me and they were sofa king funny.. ( say it out loud syllable by syllable)

On Saturday I shared with you that I felt dirty and like a twitter hashtag hussie, shameless and excommunicated by my family. I also shared the cure. Envy pancakes. I am clearly not Martha, but I want to punch her in the head so I am ok with that.

So that was pretty much my week, well that and loving you like mad, not winning one damn thing in any of the #blogher and #homeher and any other contest in the universe. Jealous much? I guess I will be making more pancakes in the morning.