WTG- Jokes from my Daddy

Posted on November 17, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy, The Peachy Tree

As you know Wednesday is my ” free day ” and I usually throw a funny email or joke from my Dad in here. Why? Because he is hilarious and also because he sends me ( and 10,000 other people ) about 30 jokes a day.

Yesterday I saw someone post on FB that their 76 year old Dad just got a Droid X and was now sending out Text messages.

I told them “my dad is a technology buff, he has multiple cell phones, a pc, a laptop and a gps. problem is he asks if he can get facebook on his gps, why his phone isn’t giving him directions and if the laptop will take a call for him..”

I love my Daddy. So here is a joke from him.

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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right
in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on the shoulder.
He hung out his window and flipped the woman off.

“Man, that guy is stupid” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and
wave whenever a female does anything stupid to me in traffic;
and here’s why…

I drive 38 miles each way to work. That’s 76 miles, of which 16 is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. So, if you just look at the
7 lanes I am not in, that means I pass something like a new car every 40 feet per lane.
That’s 7 cars every 40 feet for just the 32 miles that traffic is bumper to bumper.

That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars, plus the rest of my 34 mile
commute which is not bumper-to-bumper, where I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars I pass every day.

Statistically half of these are driven by females, that’s 18,000. In any given group of
females, 1 in 28 are having the worst day of their period. . . . That is 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding,
that’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously
considered suicide or homicide, that’s 98. And, 34% describe men as their biggest problem,
that’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and
the number is increasing.

That means, that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy
love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide,
is having the worst day of her period, and is armed.

No matter what she does in traffic, I wouldn’t DREAM of flipping her off.

image credits go to

http://turonistan.blogspot.com

So as you just learned be careful who you flip off. Now go out and have a great day.

XO

PEACH OUT

Tell it Tuesday-Nice Vegetarians

Posted on November 16, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for “robin willimas man junk” I am so proud.) Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness

** Special Shout out to Rachel for the Guest Post last week on the advice***

You can see her blog by clicking here, she’s running a contest so go ahead.

So here we go, please keep your arms and legs in the vehicle at all times and do not attempt to get up until the vehicle comes to a complete stop and the safety bar has lifted. Thank you and enjoy the ride.

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Dear Peachy- I started dating this really sweet guy. Problem is he’s too sweet. Seriously it makes me consider an insulin pump may be needed to enter a relationship with him. He wont send food back, he apologizes to everyone even when it’s not his own fault. I feel like a real meanie when I am with him because he’s just too nice. Should I give it a shot ( of insulin) or just break it off now before anyone gets hurt.

Dating a Doormat

Dear Dating a Doormat- so what you are telling me is that you met a super nice guy that really likes you and you since you couldn’t find anything else to bitch about you picked the fact he was nice? Sorry but really? I mean I know back when we were cave dwelling nomads it was a good thing to be with the macho jerk who would fall a Mastadon but I would like to think we have evolved. He may be acting “extra” nice as you are in the dating stage and he is trying not to be an asshat. However I am betting you have a long line of ex’s in your closet that were utter jerks. The point is he isn’t so yeah dump him now, before you have the chance to ruin one of the few nice guys out there. xo ThePeachy1

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Dear The Peachy1;

I am recently divorced. When my little girl was just 5 months old I found out my husband of 7 years had a 2 year old and the mother of that child was 8 months pregnant by him again. Needless to say my world shattered and it was something I haven’t gotten over. I divorced, went to therapy, dusted off my degree, buffed up my resume and rejoined the work force into the label of a single mom in a life you could have never told me would be mine. He moved in with his “other” family and my daughters 1st birthday is coming up. I can’t bare to see him because he is so happy, he has little to do with our daughter unless I make him. I have no clue how to handle it when one day my daughter asks how come Daddy has another family and she has older and younger brothers that he lives with. I re-entered the work force at a much lower paygrade and can not afford her all the wonderful things she would have had with a Mom AND a Dad. How can I do this?

thanks for listening,

Lost and Broken

Dear Lost and Broken- I am not a therapist, I am not licensed anywhere and have no formal training other than 4+ decades of life to pull from. Most of my answers are funny, this one is probably not, in addition I have sent you a private email. You said you have seen a therapist, it sounds like you might still have some things to talk about in a professional setting. Now here’s my take honey. You did not ask for this, as you pointed out that affair had to be going on for 3+ years of your 7 year marriage. When you broke up he went to her. You have a daughter together so you can’t just erase him or the pain he brought to your life. That sucks, there is no way around it sucking you have the right to think it sucks and he’s a piece of shit for leading another life you get to do that. For a time. But you said your daughter is just about to be 1 year old. She has no opinion on the situation and I want you to be able to filter yourself and your feelings as she grows. Before long she will read your emotions if she isn’t already. You have to get past the hurt victim status which is super hard I get it, but you can’t project that onto her. Let her form her own relationship with your Ex and his “other family” this does not lessen you or what happened and at some point she will indeed ask, and you will indeed need to answer in a fashion that does not make her unworthy and is age appropriate. The simple fact is, you are worthy, she is worthy, the unworthy one was him. He lost in this thing. The money issue- yeah it’s pretty common that when a woman returns to the workforce after a while off to be a wife and raise a child the $ isn’t the same, also the economy kind of sucks right now. I can tell you this. When my oldest 2 were little, I worked 2 jobs and went back to school and my house burned to the ground. I was so broke it was pathetic. Once every 2 weeks we would go to the local Denny’s and order a $1.99 breakfast slam with 3 waters and split it 3 ways. At one point we lived in a camper where our house had burned and slept in 1 bed and I had to microwave water to give them a bath. Funny thing is they are 21 and 19 and they both say that was a highlight in their lives. They didn’t care about the big house or the fancy things because we were always together, even if it was a foot in the eye or shivering in the bucket we used for a tub. 7 years later their lives become very comfortable financially and although it was awesome to give them everything they could have dreamed of we would still refer to the fun of our camping days. I am not saying this to lessen the situation you are going through, clearly your heart is still broken right now. I am telling you this because they were around 5 and 3. Things changed and then went in directions I could have never imagined. I promise to you that at her age and for the next maybe 8 or so years finance will NOT be a factor in her life unless you make it that. I hope said ding bat is paying Child support, if not run to Child Support Enforcement or your lawyer and drag his butt through court until he gets the point. Hang in there and now, you and your daughter will be ok, if that’s the path you choose. XOXOXO ThePeachy1

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Hi Peach,

I have recently become a vegetarian after finding out the health benefits to myself and the nature of a meat eating life cycle. My question is, I read my dogs food ingredients. Totally not vegetarian. I asked my vet and he said dogs need protein from meat. But so do people and there are other ways do you think I should switch my dog over he’s a 5 year old husky and very healthy.

thanks,

Going to the Dogs

Dear Going to the Dogs- easy, lay a raw steak in a food bowl in another lay some vegetarian dog food. Let him pick. I am not a vet and I am a carnivore. I will always love meat. I can’t believe they even make vegetarian dog food. I am all about quality not quantity. What I mean by that is if I can have 105 years of sucking down tofu and bean sprouts instead of 80 years of eating meat having alcohol and partying like it’s 1999 then I am going to chose B. I say this with a straight face, knowing I am over 1/2 way there and have lived this life to the fullest. I understand people wanting to be healthy and applaud that your body, your choice. If your dog is cool with the lack of meat in his diet and your vet says it’s ok then do what makes you happy. I like corn fed veal A LOT so if you switch him to a vegetarian lifestyle please send me your info so I will know where to find ~~him to eat him~~ for his safety during a zombie attack . xo ThePeachy1

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That’s end of the ride for today folks, remember 3 questions every Tuesday. send yours in to beingpeachy@gmail.com

Moronic Monday- Flash Gordon

Posted on November 15, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

Hey there and welcome back to another edition of Moronic Monday. Where I hope that you are so distracted by my epically moronic stories from my past and it gives you that little push to go forth and battle the dirty wench that is a Monday.

A kabillion and 20 years ago I had just moved to a new place and needed a job ASAP. I mean like this is my last pack of ramen noodles but I did find a moldy slice of bread to go with it type ASAP. So I popped into my local Convenient Store ( inset Magic Market, Speedi Stop or Korner Kady here). It wasn’t the best job but it wasn’t the worst either as we could eat while at work and I got a paycheck. Woot !

I was good at my job of course because it’s not that hard to run a cash register, stock the cooler and pick up trash. I was a fairly tough young chick and pretty fearless ( hunger does that). This allowed me to pick up extra shifts at other stores in the chain, usually the night shift. It was during one of those extra night shifts at another location that the Great Flash Gorden Story happened.

Huge big super lit up store in the Middle of Downtown on a main road. Never empty, very busy store. As the musak played I took care of the new set of regulars and those just traveling through while stocking the cooler.

In a rare lull around midnight I was windexing the HUGE windows that go all the way around the store and I saw a really HOT sports car whiz in and up near the door. I could hear the music pumpin hard like Salt and Peppa. Out steps the proverbial Hot Yuppie. In standard easter egg apparel, his pale pink polo tucked in his pale yellow shorts with the pale blue cardigan tied over his shoulders. He checked his feathered hair in the cars mirror and then his deck shoe carried him right in the store. I must admit, quite good looking clearly had money and pulled together, he was not the average customer. I had no idea how NON average he was.

So he walks in and as he walks past he tells me how he had just left the Coliseum and the big fair and expo going on and the concerts were awesome. I was like yeah that’s nice ( why don’t you rub it in my face I am stuck working while everyone my age is out partying ).

He walks to the side of the register where the fountain drinks are and starts pouring his own soda of choice, all the while talking to me. As he is talking He walks up the side of the ” behind the register area” and continues to have some nice convo. I made you a diagram so it’s almost like you were there ( if you turn on music and spill a bottle of polo)

Flash Gordon, my diagram of the flasher at the convenient store

Do you feel transported and enlightened?

So you may have noticed I am behind a counter, just me and some seriously trashy adult magazines and the doors are on the ONLY doors are on the other side of the counter, and my only way to those doors would be through the customer who was dressed so nice and smelled like he had crawled out of a drum of cologne.

So smarmy yuppie customer dude is standing there talking to me from beside the counter, where as I am becoming slightly less comfy since usually conversations happen OVER the counter, with said counter being placed between our bodies.

Then he points at the trashy magazines behind the counter and says things like, ” wow who would do stuff like that? or that is just wrong”. Making me think if I were a dude he would probably buy the entire shelf. Under the premise of me thinks he doth protest too much.

In a very concision decision to show that I didn’t want this conversation to continue and that I would not make eye contact until he was on the proper side of the counter I turned my back to him completely, acting like I was cleaning something and stopped communicating. With most customers this queued them to the fact that I was there doing my job and they needed to do theirs, purchase and leave. It was definitely time for Yuppie Go Lucky to vamoose.

On the same token I am far from an idiot, and especially in my younger years a tad street smart, by the time I took that job I had been around the world, driven across the US with cars I worked on along the way and never owned a cell phone or beeper ( simply because they didn’t exist at that time). At night with the stores 50 dazillion lights on inside and out the huge windows when viewed properly act as a mirror. So I could see Mr Easter Egg mans outline enough to see he was NOT approaching me or coming behind the counter enough for me to lose my mind.

Then he says, ” I bet you have really sexy feet in those tennis shoes” . Now as worldly as I was I was still very young and had never even heard of a foot fetish let alone dealt with one. But my body instinctively knew due to his tone this was not good, every hair on my neck and arms stood straight up. Without turning around or lifting my head with a stern sound in my voice I responded with, ” nope, in fact they look like mangled spaghetti thanks to a horse when I was a kid, are you ready to check out? ”

Then all my heightened alert senses heard something, at the time I couldn’t identify it other than I knew it was a signal that this was turning very bad very fast. The reflection in the windows was definitely moving but not necessarily near me, it was still wrong and I grabbed the non labeled window spray and turned around in an aggressive stance with the spray pointed at him.

DUDE HAD HIS MAN JUNK OUT AND IN HIS HAND.

without any hesitation I said, ” you should be ashamed of that little thing now get the hell out of here before I spray this chemical in your eyes and then on that.”

He looked surprised to get that response, not sure what he was looking for but he wasn’t getting it from me.

He ran out the store with nothing in his hands but his injured pride. I got a partial tag, locked the doors and called the police ( before 911 you had to know the number).

Two officers come and I tell them the story. But I said, ” he had his you know, you know thing, out ” The office had to offer the proper word. I didn’t realize I was shook up until I tried to talk to the cops. They were chuckling a bit and ended up saying, ” well Mama we will try to find this Dick, I mean really he sounds like a total wienie.”

REALLY? I fell out laughing my butt off and the actual reality of the threat was gone. Thanks cops you did a fine job of making me stop shaking and start laughing.

So if you can make it through today without a polo scented easter egg dressed yuppie brandishing his man junk at you, then you can have a better day than me. Now go kick monday in the crotch !

xo

PEACH OUT

* Disclaimer- 1 man’s pride was seriously injured during the making of this post, but you never bring a knife to a gun fight dude.

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