Hey there and welcome back to another edition of Moronic Monday. Where I hope that you are so distracted by my epically moronic stories from my past and it gives you that little push to go forth and battle the dirty wench that is a Monday.
A kabillion and 20 years ago I had just moved to a new place and needed a job ASAP. I mean like this is my last pack of ramen noodles but I did find a moldy slice of bread to go with it type ASAP. So I popped into my local Convenient Store ( inset Magic Market, Speedi Stop or Korner Kady here). It wasn’t the best job but it wasn’t the worst either as we could eat while at work and I got a paycheck. Woot !
I was good at my job of course because it’s not that hard to run a cash register, stock the cooler and pick up trash. I was a fairly tough young chick and pretty fearless ( hunger does that). This allowed me to pick up extra shifts at other stores in the chain, usually the night shift. It was during one of those extra night shifts at another location that the Great Flash Gorden Story happened.
Huge big super lit up store in the Middle of Downtown on a main road. Never empty, very busy store. As the musak played I took care of the new set of regulars and those just traveling through while stocking the cooler.
In a rare lull around midnight I was windexing the HUGE windows that go all the way around the store and I saw a really HOT sports car whiz in and up near the door. I could hear the music pumpin hard like Salt and Peppa. Out steps the proverbial Hot Yuppie. In standard easter egg apparel, his pale pink polo tucked in his pale yellow shorts with the pale blue cardigan tied over his shoulders. He checked his feathered hair in the cars mirror and then his deck shoe carried him right in the store. I must admit, quite good looking clearly had money and pulled together, he was not the average customer. I had no idea how NON average he was.
So he walks in and as he walks past he tells me how he had just left the Coliseum and the big fair and expo going on and the concerts were awesome. I was like yeah that’s nice ( why don’t you rub it in my face I am stuck working while everyone my age is out partying ).
He walks to the side of the register where the fountain drinks are and starts pouring his own soda of choice, all the while talking to me. As he is talking He walks up the side of the ” behind the register area” and continues to have some nice convo. I made you a diagram so it’s almost like you were there ( if you turn on music and spill a bottle of polo)
So you may have noticed I am behind a counter, just me and some seriously trashy adult magazines and the doors are on the ONLY doors are on the other side of the counter, and my only way to those doors would be through the customer who was dressed so nice and smelled like he had crawled out of a drum of cologne.
So smarmy yuppie customer dude is standing there talking to me from beside the counter, where as I am becoming slightly less comfy since usually conversations happen OVER the counter, with said counter being placed between our bodies.
Then he points at the trashy magazines behind the counter and says things like, ” wow who would do stuff like that? or that is just wrong”. Making me think if I were a dude he would probably buy the entire shelf. Under the premise of me thinks he doth protest too much.
In a very concision decision to show that I didn’t want this conversation to continue and that I would not make eye contact until he was on the proper side of the counter I turned my back to him completely, acting like I was cleaning something and stopped communicating. With most customers this queued them to the fact that I was there doing my job and they needed to do theirs, purchase and leave. It was definitely time for Yuppie Go Lucky to vamoose.
On the same token I am far from an idiot, and especially in my younger years a tad street smart, by the time I took that job I had been around the world, driven across the US with cars I worked on along the way and never owned a cell phone or beeper ( simply because they didn’t exist at that time). At night with the stores 50 dazillion lights on inside and out the huge windows when viewed properly act as a mirror. So I could see Mr Easter Egg mans outline enough to see he was NOT approaching me or coming behind the counter enough for me to lose my mind.
Then he says, ” I bet you have really sexy feet in those tennis shoes” . Now as worldly as I was I was still very young and had never even heard of a foot fetish let alone dealt with one. But my body instinctively knew due to his tone this was not good, every hair on my neck and arms stood straight up. Without turning around or lifting my head with a stern sound in my voice I responded with, ” nope, in fact they look like mangled spaghetti thanks to a horse when I was a kid, are you ready to check out? ”
Then all my heightened alert senses heard something, at the time I couldn’t identify it other than I knew it was a signal that this was turning very bad very fast. The reflection in the windows was definitely moving but not necessarily near me, it was still wrong and I grabbed the non labeled window spray and turned around in an aggressive stance with the spray pointed at him.
DUDE HAD HIS MAN JUNK OUT AND IN HIS HAND.
without any hesitation I said, ” you should be ashamed of that little thing now get the hell out of here before I spray this chemical in your eyes and then on that.”
He looked surprised to get that response, not sure what he was looking for but he wasn’t getting it from me.
He ran out the store with nothing in his hands but his injured pride. I got a partial tag, locked the doors and called the police ( before 911 you had to know the number).
Two officers come and I tell them the story. But I said, ” he had his you know, you know thing, out ” The office had to offer the proper word. I didn’t realize I was shook up until I tried to talk to the cops. They were chuckling a bit and ended up saying, ” well Mama we will try to find this Dick, I mean really he sounds like a total wienie.”
REALLY? I fell out laughing my butt off and the actual reality of the threat was gone. Thanks cops you did a fine job of making me stop shaking and start laughing.
So if you can make it through today without a polo scented easter egg dressed yuppie brandishing his man junk at you, then you can have a better day than me. Now go kick monday in the crotch !
* Disclaimer- 1 man’s pride was seriously injured during the making of this post, but you never bring a knife to a gun fight dude.
That is a hilarious story. I am actually lol’ing right now. Did they ever catch the guy and make you do a dick lineup?
Whats the deal with yuppies and jacking off? What the flip!??! When I was 15 my Aunt and I were walking the sidewalks of Laguna, a super sweet porche pulls up with a hottie of a driver to boot asking for directions….little did I know until I walked up to the window he was playing yankie my wankie GROSS GAG UGH BLAH PUKE….ps…dick line up FUNNY!!!
Justin- I am totally not surprised. If I had one it would probably be in my hand too LOL.
Sintamental- Not sure I think that had John Hughes on the brain or something, yes he was driving a very expensive sports car.
I would have shit myself laughing then thrown cold water on the horn dog!
I used to manage a gas station/corner store in the land of the frankentweeks. Meth heads abounded.
We were open 24/7 and one night at about 3 a.m. I came around a corner to find one of my lovely customers masturbating with a busted open can of lard. Yes, good ol’ fashioned Crisco. I proceeded to hose him down with the fire extinguisher (which I later blamed him for as it was all out of camera range) and called the cops. They found him face down outside behind the store covered in extinguisher goo with his pants at his knees and more than a little greasy.
I have so many stories from that job. It could be it’s own entire blog….
yeah LOL me too, I have about 5 off the top of my head, I think I repressed a bunch though LOL
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