My Non Advice column on Tell it Tuesday

Posted on January 11, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see. Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Dear Peachy, I have been in what could be called the dating dead pool. Nothing for so long, and now this guy I have liked for a long time and I are “hooking” up. I could careless about a relationship I need a good booty call. Do you have any surefire ways I can make sure I get laid on the fist date?

signed,

Give it to me Baby

Dear Give it to me Baby, OH, OH, OH! I know the answer. Show up. Yep, that’s all you have to do to get laid. It’s our reward for menstrual cycles and having to wear bras. If you are worried he is shy and wont go all the way, wear grannie panties and fail to shave your legs. That always works, if you have access to a nursing bra you can wear that for an additional guarantee he would want sexy time. If he seems like a douche player and acting too good for you or some insane shit. Simply say, ” I would do you but all the guys I sleep with cry and I am so over you guys, thinking about pinch hitting. Be careful, the use of all of the above techniques could result in a marriage proposal. xoxo ThePeachy1

female ninjas sluttiest mamal known to man

photo credit to filehurricane.com

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Peachy, Help me. My in laws came to visit us for the Holidays and due to my FIL slipping and twisting his ankle THE DAY THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO LEAVE. They stayed a couple extra days, then the weather hit. I am trapped in my own house with them 24/7. My husband “fake” went to work today and left me hear with them and they know I am a housewife. They wont leave. Save me.

Stabin Cabin Fever

Dear Stabin Cabin Fever- I would so beat the dog snot out of your husband, and then I would stage this entire ” event ” in front of his parents. OMG the strip club called baby, I have been chosen as the Mrs(insert your state) sluttiest stripper 2011 and I have to leave for the nationals in Hawaii, I am so excited and so proud of how you convinced me to do this ! I had to buy my ticket today. Don’t worry about the money you know the kind of tips I get. If I win this baby you can stay home and be the house husband you always wanted to be. Maybe your MOTHER can stay here and keep you company while I get naked in Hawaii for 2 weeks? xoxo ThePeachy1

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Lovely Peaches I know usually chicks write to you but I have a serious issue and I turn to you for your wisdom and guidance as the google declared ruler of all that is good. In 4 months it will be my 3 year anniversary. I have the bestest loveliest most genius wife on the planet. I botched the entire proposal thing by bringing it up in general conversation. I botched the wedding due to the fact I was so buried under student loans we couldn’t afford more than a small ceremony at the Court House. I botched the first anniversary by not checking on the reservations I had made and ended up taking her to IHOP. I botched the second one when I had to work out of town but that deal got me a major promotion and now even though money is tight I can do something big for her. The Problem is. I have no clue what to do. Help.

Thanks,

Trying to over come my blotches

Dear Trying to over come my blotches- First. Dude, 2 fist bumps and booty shake. You rock! The fact that you are actually thinking 4 months down the road to your anniversary? You sound awesome and I am sure she is very appreciative of all the you do for each other no matter how big or small. I wont bother listing all the cliche’ things you could do, roses, limo, dinner, engraved jewelry, 5 star hotel, male stripper, blah blah. You know all those things and wouldn’t come here for that generic stuff. So I say go big or go home. I think you wife would really like a tropical island. I also think she would love a great friend like me to live on that tropical island with her. I will cut you a deal due to the fact I am actually on Holiday clearance right now. Not in your budget yet? Check out layaway, they are totally bringing that back. Maybe if you start now you can have it paid off for the 10 year anniversary? Or

nothing says love like Dehydrated Emergency Survival Food . You might want to put a bow on it, or maybe a Jaguar those totally have a way of classing things up. xoxo ThePeachy1

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and there we have it, the Peachy standard, 3 emails one time a week on Tuesday. So send yours in if you need non advice on anything.

xo

PEACH OUT

Also of note I have to Thank Oil Field Trash of ” Make Daddy a Sammich” for an award I got and of course Holly at ” MidWesternMamaH” for coming up with the brilliant and if you are reading this, YOUR award, that’s right people there is an award for you on the awards page you can see by clicking HERE.

Moronic Monday- Therapy or College?

Posted on January 10, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

It’s back. Like meeting that school yard bully at the stroke of 3 behind the teeter totters, but you do it over and over and over again every 7 days. You try to train the other days to prep for your fight. You try to find a way to sneak out early, or fain near death to escape what you know will happen. Monday- it’s here, to kick your butt, over and over again. I am here on Mondays, to share with you a story that spotlights my amazing ability to be a Moron. This will hopefully arm you with the ability to compare my utter stupidity with your day and declare your day a WIN !

As you may remember via my now infamous ( ahem shut up it is) Friendship Disclaimer video. I am an admittedly craptastic friend. I do make random attempts to be nice to everyone ( except people who manage to work my nerves) as long as it requires very little effort on my part or I am looking for an excuse to get out of work or something.

So I was sitting here making out with netflix because it just “gets me” and we were talking long term relationships and stuff then I saw this tweet.

Besides the fact that all kinds of alarms went off here, because you used the word “Mississippi” and “not trash” in the same sentence and that nearly fried the entire internet. If you don’t know young sweet Mer, she is a doll baby an she sent me cookies, then in some weird arranged marriage type thing she became the future wife of The Prince, who is 9. So I am thinking at some point she will be my daughter in law. Plus the cookies were chocolate with chocolate chips and clearly she knew the men in my house would wrestle a goat naked for that kind of goodness. Hearts were won, kingdoms were merged, the HOT light came on at Krispy Kremes around the world.

So anyway I say uhm I live in Mississippi and I am quite sure The Prince is a well trained genius ghost hunter. So we will send you a picture.

Yeah we should probably throw in a ghost or 2 because otherwise it would be “The Trash of Mississippi” I only have like 5 memory cards for my camera, and really I don’t think I need to elaborate any further.

Me- ” Yo dude your woman she’s been feeling down lately and she this”.

Then I showed him the tweets.

The Prince- ” grab your camera mom, give me 3 seconds meet me on the deck”

Me- “uhm do you have an idea”

The Prince- ” now you have 1 second, don’t waste it”

Me- ” Do I have to put on shoes?”

The Prince- ” just bring your camera and come out here”.

The rest followed within 10 minutes. I am proud to say I never put on shoes thus furthering the stereotype ambiance of Mississippi.

Within seconds we found a Ghost in Mississippi, but it was totally photo bombed by the dogs staring at the neighborhood Chupacabra. He is totally a camera hog.

Proverbial Ghost hunter shot. ( also proof there are teeth in Mississippi)

It probably doesn’t get any more conclusive than this. Ghost, Kid Ghost Hunter, Ghost Dog ( probably), Ghost woods, and indeed the Ghost Trash that Meredith was totally looking for. We got it all right here. Yep that’s definitive proof and if I do say so myself one hell of a cover shot.

and so the deed was done and she loved it and ThePrince made Princess Mer very happy and they lived happily ever after in like 12 years from now when they meet and he will be allowed to date.

Then a friend, father, blogger and Florida Resident ( you lucky dude) wrote this.

“instead of saving up for college, I hope you are saving up for therapy when he grows up”

Nope ! I have 2 solutions-

1) His 21 year old sister gets her bachlors degree in May, guess what? Psychology ! Sweet Free Counseling.

2) He can blog out his issues just like the rest of us, it’s free, and guarantees he won’t be dating.

So there ya have it folks. Clearly no one is immune to my epic asshattedness. We hope that our ability to be Morons helps you get through your Monday.

xo

PEACH OUT

* NO CHUPCABRA, GHOST DOGS, CHIMNEYS, OR 9 YEAR OLD BOYS WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS POST. Also – the arrangement with Mer may be off since I see her tweeting about other dudes, and as her future MIL not sure if she is willing to wait for ThePrince.

Funny Stuff Friday

Posted on January 7, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Funny Stuff Friday, It's Juicy

If we go out to eat chances are I will do something like this. If I was famous my Wasbai man would be “art” . So here is my hot art, get it wasabi, hot, oh never mind.

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's me being inappropriate, WASABI MAN

Dinosaur dating drawbacks. ( glad that's typed and not said)

My daughter called from work and said she ran into the dinosourusbitch, which is better than a hippotwatamus, I asked her if the creature was a carnny-vore or a herbawhore? yeah we are totally inappropriate, but leave us alone it’s quality time people.

Truth in Real Estate via email from my Daddy.

If we were all honest, most signs would look like this.

and finally from the peachy tree here’s one I had to share, it’s one of my many nephews. he clearly gets his drinking dna from me, have I ever mentioned how glad I am there were not iphones, twitter and facebook when I was “finding myself” and everyone else in Dayton Beach all those years ago. Straight from the drunken family tree… My nephew.

Fair game. He posted it on FB.

Before anyone freaks, he is over 21, he was in college, he did not drive, and this photo was not taken by me, cause ewww… my 1 big question, WTH did he find 80’s shorts? He posted this on FB which in my book makes him fairgame. He also posted this is the last time he drinks, which to mean is some sort of therapy, so I am just helping him, really… stop laughing, I am serious.

Have a fantastic Friday and wickedly wonderful Weekend.