I have a demon cat that has staff and hates me lives here.  She is part of the Dr Doolittle affect of children.  My kids thought there just weren’t enough beings to blame,mouths to feed things to love so they used to drag home everything with a pulse.  Rabbits, mice, dogs, cats, fish, and puppies.  Since the number of children dwindled down as they grew up and out the number of pets died off moved on to a bigger farm further into heaven the country.  We are down to 1 evil loving cat and 2 fairly stupid very loyal dogs.

Here’s the deal, when the kids were growing up they had this belief that more  sentient beings around meant more participants for the blame game, and let me tell you that dogs do not do well in a great blame debate against an angsty teenager. They will take the rap for a scooby snack or belly rub.

I have said it a million times over, my children taught me more than I could have ever taught them. Lately there has been some funky stuff going on from my computer. But in this case, I am totally innocent, and I am prepared to prove to you all beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am innocent and I have rock solid proof.

Because I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom I eat breakfast three hundred yards from four thousand Fire Ants trained to kill me. So don’t think for one second you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous. Are we clear?  Crystal clear. You want the truth? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH.  Shit sorry y’all I got all movie quote carried away.

I enter into evidence exhibit A

The Cat, the evil Cat Dante

and now I will enter into states evidence exhibit B

obviously this nonsense was written by my stupid cat

You guys know I would never write this kind of rubbish. I mean really?  I had a feeling it wasn’t the dogs since it almost made sense and there were no fire hydrants or car tires in my computer history.

I narrowed it down to Dante, the evil Cat.So even though Dante is evil, and clearly pretty damn smart for a cat, she’s really stupid for a human, and I have to keep this feline ninja off my laptop at night.  So I asked the droid to play back our survallance videos and here’s what we found.

Exhibit C

what a total bitch you are Dante.

So it’s really clear she is out to get me. It’s not like she is using her OWN accounts, she is using mine and purposely typing crap nonsensiqual comments on blogs, facebook and twitter under MY name.  It’s really clear she has 1 purpose, to ruin me.   So I checked my browser history and sure enough.

Exhibit D

seriously? like I would admit that?

so ladies and gentlemen of the jury I ask you to please consider the facts in this case.  This feline is obviously perpetrating these acts to sully my esteemed reputation ( stop laughing damn you).  It is within your power to pass a virtual sentence on  her to the fullest extent of the scratching post of the law.  If you give her an inch she will take a catnap, trust me.  This MANipulation from this species can no longer be TAILerated.

Ok this could be the cheesiest shit I have ever written.  I hope the cat totally re-writes this post into something cool.

have a good weekend y’all

PEACHOUT