Why I have pets and kids

I have a demon cat that has staff and hates me lives here.  She is part of the Dr Doolittle affect of children.  My kids thought there just weren’t enough beings to blame,mouths to feed things to love so they used to drag home everything with a pulse.  Rabbits, mice, dogs, cats, fish, and puppies.  Since the number of children dwindled down as they grew up and out the number of pets died off moved on to a bigger farm further into heaven the country.  We are down to 1 evil loving cat and 2 fairly stupid very loyal dogs.

Here’s the deal, when the kids were growing up they had this belief that more  sentient beings around meant more participants for the blame game, and let me tell you that dogs do not do well in a great blame debate against an angsty teenager. They will take the rap for a scooby snack or belly rub.

I have said it a million times over, my children taught me more than I could have ever taught them. Lately there has been some funky stuff going on from my computer. But in this case, I am totally innocent, and I am prepared to prove to you all beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am innocent and I have rock solid proof.

Because I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom I eat breakfast three hundred yards from four thousand Fire Ants trained to kill me. So don’t think for one second you can come down here, flash a badge, and make me nervous. Are we clear?  Crystal clear. You want the truth? YOU CANT HANDLE THE TRUTH.  Shit sorry y’all I got all movie quote carried away.

I enter into evidence exhibit A

Dante the evil Cat

The Cat, the evil Cat Dante

and now I will enter into states evidence exhibit B

a comment on a friends blog written by my evil cat

obviously this nonsense was written by my stupid cat

You guys know I would never write this kind of rubbish. I mean really?  I had a feeling it wasn’t the dogs since it almost made sense and there were no fire hydrants or car tires in my computer history.

I narrowed it down to Dante, the evil Cat.So even though Dante is evil, and clearly pretty damn smart for a cat, she’s really stupid for a human, and I have to keep this feline ninja off my laptop at night.  So I asked the droid to play back our survallance videos and here’s what we found.

Exhibit C

Dante using my laptop she's hacking my facebook

what a total bitch you are Dante.

So it’s really clear she is out to get me. It’s not like she is using her OWN accounts, she is using mine and purposely typing crap nonsensiqual comments on blogs, facebook and twitter under MY name.  It’s really clear she has 1 purpose, to ruin me.   So I checked my browser history and sure enough.

Exhibit D

Cat is posting on my facebook to ruin me

seriously? like I would admit that?

so ladies and gentlemen of the jury I ask you to please consider the facts in this case.  This feline is obviously perpetrating these acts to sully my esteemed reputation ( stop laughing damn you).  It is within your power to pass a virtual sentence on  her to the fullest extent of the scratching post of the law.  If you give her an inch she will take a catnap, trust me.  This MANipulation from this species can no longer be TAILerated.

Ok this could be the cheesiest shit I have ever written.  I hope the cat totally re-writes this post into something cool.

have a good weekend y’all


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8 Responses to “Why I have pets and kids”

  1. Rachel says:

    Rachel for the defense. On my client’s behalf, I would like to point out that you didn’t even take the time to properly falsify evidence! The cat in your fabricated picture doesn’t even RESEMBLE my client! My client sports an adorable black patch on her nose. If we look to the evidence against her, you will see that no such patch exists. If the nose don’t fit, you must acquit!

    Not only have you falsely accused my client, you’ve slandered her character. Expect to be served with our countersuit shortly.

  2. ThePeachy1 says:

    omg I should have known she would have a better lawyer than me.. I am so doomed.

  3. I spoke to Marco. He’s all over this like a crackhead cat on catnip.

  4. BacardE says:

    Methinks the alleged cat…was into the milk again, and that is covering up the “adorable” black spot…. could happen..just sayin…

  5. ThePeachy1 says:

    all I can say is that cat has a freaking lawyer and she pulled a restraining order. so I am hoping that she can change her own litter box and cook you dinner. Oh yeah and Brad might be spooning with you tonight, not sure, either that or Jen is forking you, not sure, you will have to check my fb.

  6. […] tweets. I did what anyone once would do.  I looked for a patsy  to blame it on.  So I wrote a blog post about how it was my cat’s fault.   Next thing you know the heated match debate involving a fictional I hope restraining order on […]

  7. beaudreauxsbellylaughs says:

    I can’t enjoy face book like you do because everyones farmville and fronterville and pet city and all those other games take up everything. One time I tried to say something funny and everyone got offended

  8. […] to hate me and tear up or use anything that belongs solely to me as her person restroom.  ( she also hacked my facebook and when I outed her on this very blog read here, she retained the bes…. Needless to say our pet plate was already over capacity as you can see in this […]

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