OH my DOG y’all. I live in the south for a reason.. But no mother nature doesn’t give a flying flip, I am UNDER A FREEZE WARNING TONIGHT !!
In case you didn’t hear me screaming with my caps lock on, Freeze Warning- Gulf of Mexico-Insane.
I made my manly men folk go chop down a tree ( yeah whatever tree huggers I am cold).
This weekend is going to be insane. I am simply too cold to post, I may climb in my fireplace.
Happy Dry Hump Day y’all. This means in just 2 short days we will be all hunky dory with the weekend groove and stuff.
So let’s induldge in a little humor shall we?
So here are some more jokes sent in by readers.
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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other
asshole using my stuff.”
She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
And
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
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and finally –
XOXO
PEACH OUT
Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for “robin willimas man junk” I am so proud.) Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.
There are often questions mailed in that I simply can not answer, then there are those that if I answered them I would be seen as a horrible troll werewolf zombie killing kitten kicker. So here’s a few that are clearly beyond my non qualified non expertise. Maybe you have an answer?
Dear Peaches:
I am considering a multi species relationship. However I am seeing a Unicorn and a Pegasus and can’t decide which one to go all the way with.
Torn between 2 lovers
Dear Torn between 2 lovers- uhm med adjustments may be needed ASAP. But if you dated the Pegasus would you fly for free? On the upside the Unicorn is always horny. xo ThePeachy1
Hi Peachy,
My mom is dating a loser, she’s 53 and my dad died 11 years ago. I get her wanting someone around but this dude is an ubber jerk and I hate his guts. Just a super corny moocher and schmuck. Help.
Anti Schmuck club
Dear Anti Schmuck club- ok clearly your mom has a different set of standards to judge dude by, or maybe you are pulling and OEDIPUS REX? good luck xo ThePeachy1
ThePeachy1-
I chew my toenails. In private but recently I was relaxed with my BF and had a jagged spot. He freaked out and told me how gross I was. I remember watching my dad do it as a kid. Is it like bugger picking and everyone does it but just in private?
Toes R Us
Dear Toes R Us- nope it’s totally fine and normal, by normal I mean also with the nose picking and public farting/burping. Throw in kissing your sister/brother at family reunions and you have a trifecta of awesome. By awesome I mean you will be a lonely cat/dog lady. Have you no clue about the real world? EWW no xo for you I know where your mouth has been ThePeachy1
That’s it my darlings, and now you know why I found these so hard to answer without being a twit or worse. Send them your advice in the comment section. Also send in your questions for next week to beingpeachy@gmail.com
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