Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for “robin willimas man junk” I am so proud.) Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.
So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to email@example.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.
There are often questions mailed in that I simply can not answer, then there are those that if I answered them I would be seen as a horrible troll werewolf zombie killing kitten kicker. So here’s a few that are clearly beyond my non qualified non expertise. Maybe you have an answer?
I am considering a multi species relationship. However I am seeing a Unicorn and a Pegasus and can’t decide which one to go all the way with.
Torn between 2 lovers
Dear Torn between 2 lovers- uhm med adjustments may be needed ASAP. But if you dated the Pegasus would you fly for free? On the upside the Unicorn is always horny. xo ThePeachy1
My mom is dating a loser, she’s 53 and my dad died 11 years ago. I get her wanting someone around but this dude is an ubber jerk and I hate his guts. Just a super corny moocher and schmuck. Help.
Anti Schmuck club
Dear Anti Schmuck club- ok clearly your mom has a different set of standards to judge dude by, or maybe you are pulling and OEDIPUS REX? good luck xo ThePeachy1
I chew my toenails. In private but recently I was relaxed with my BF and had a jagged spot. He freaked out and told me how gross I was. I remember watching my dad do it as a kid. Is it like bugger picking and everyone does it but just in private?
Toes R Us
Dear Toes R Us- nope it’s totally fine and normal, by normal I mean also with the nose picking and public farting/burping. Throw in kissing your sister/brother at family reunions and you have a trifecta of awesome. By awesome I mean you will be a lonely cat/dog lady. Have you no clue about the real world? EWW no xo for you I know where your mouth has been ThePeachy1
That’s it my darlings, and now you know why I found these so hard to answer without being a twit or worse. Send them your advice in the comment section. Also send in your questions for next week to firstname.lastname@example.org
Dear Torn Between Two Lovers,
Why must you limit yourself? You’ve already taken that first step by deciding to live your life openly with an equine partner. Now I suggest you take that next step with a polyequinous relationship. In any relationship you have to trust your partner(s) enough to admit what you want. You never know, Horn and Pegleg might be all for it. I must stress though that in all relationships, the matter must be consensual. I would hate to find out you were taking advantage of innocent animals.
P.S. Never let anyone make you feel ashamed of your choices. Catherine the Great was well known for her equine preferences and she was a freaking czarina!
Dear Anti Shmuck Club,
This is a tough one. If by shmuck you mean he’s abusive, then I would advise you to urge your mom to extricate herself from a bad situation. If he’s just smarmy and you don’t like him, well maybe he has umm … talents of which you know nothing about, and quite frankly don’t want to know anything about.
Dear Toes R Us,
My first instinct was to shout Ewwww! But then I realized that many people would have that reaction to Torn Between Two Lovers, and I want to try to accept people for who they are. And I figure at this point, the toenail biting is going to be a really hard habit to break. So I suggest you find someone with a foot/toe fetish, and then he can bite your toenails for you. It’s a win/win.
Once again, thanks for the amusement. I love the comment about flying for free with the Pegasus.
Its always the unicorns that suffer! Why??? WHHYY????
@Rachel I swear you really should answer my Tell it Tuesdays LOL. I still will eww at toenails.
@Justin Do you think you have to do full body scans to fly on a Pegasus? I mean it’s not like I would be carrying packages from Yemin
@Holly – I do not think the unicorn is suffering, however I also have no clue what the writer looks like.
I am pretty sure that the unicorns horn is what the TSA uses for cavity searches. Although I could be wrong.
@Justin- that right there makes me weep for the unicorns.
See, y’all have it all wrong. The unicorns ONLY bang virgins but when they bang them, they also lose their horn!! The horn is what all the innocence is all about. Go for the pegasus. The horn will fall off the unicorn. Duh.
Schmuck lover kid – yo mama is stupid but you can’t fix her problems for her. Tell her how you feel and step off. Oh, and uninvite yourself from Christmas.
Miley- Ok that’s why we don’t have unicorns in the south. Lack of virgins. hrm. makes sense in some odd way. also I think the kid needs to back off and let me get her groove on.