Remembering The First

Posted on February 15, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

I thought it would be fun to go back and look at the very first “Tell it Tuesday- Non Advice Column” Lets’ see how it all started.

So here we are with the first edition of Tell It Tuesday. (cue applause light now)

In some ~~dumbass~~ brilliant flash of light I decided 2 days ago I should offer some advice on here and since I get a couple emails asking for it I figured why not. Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except yesterday I found out I was ranked number 3 in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” (Not making this up the link to the screenshot is right here. ) So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of Christ on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”. Take it or leave it, but please go ahead and send in your questions your real name and email will never be posted. Send your questions to beingpeachy@gmail.com

And awaaaay we go.

Dear Peachy1,

My dog is a large and loving kind of dog. We have had him since he was a puppy. Unfortunately his “thing” is always hanging out. If you tell him hi it hangs out, if you pet him it hangs out, if you take him for a ride in the car it hangs out. My kids and their friends notice and always start screaming. What can I do?

Thanks,

My dog is Sprung

Dear My dog is Sprung.

You didn’t mention if your dog was fixed and how old he is. So I will just assume everything to make it easiest to my answer. I am going to say he is 2-3 years old, which we all know in dog years is 14-21. Just like with human males this is the age where the world revolves around his junk. Unless he’s fixed, which you didn’t mention so I am going with he is not. Unless he is AKC or something I would suggest fixing him. Also not very many men are AKC registered so I think they too should be fixed, or at least shot in the ass with saltpeter blow dart, every time they walk through the room. Placing your saltpeter blow dart on the auto setting and putting it up near the refrigerator would help. With the human males probably not the dog since dogs don’t open refrigerators often. If you don’t want him to kiss his manly hood good bye ( that ability makes human males jealous at any age) maybe you can get him some of these, they are on the internet and even come in tiger skin and zebra print although I would stick with the plain ones so the girl dogs don’t get the wrong idea about your guy.

The Peachy1

You can get these at http://swamppuppy.com/chastitypants.htm

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To ThePeachy1,

It’s summer and my kids are driving me bonkers. I am considering a year round school because they are so hideous. Do you have a stance on year round schools?

signed,

I hate summer

Dear I hate summer, I feel ya, but only part way. Year round schools don’t sit well with me because when do those teachers get time to decompress, adjust their meds or copy all those worksheets. Yes kids can drive you to the point of bonkers, take heart in a couple things. Summer is shorter than the school year and you have built in 24/7 child labor. It’s never too early to let your kids hate living with you and your rules so much that they WANT to go to College and will work for grants and scholarships. Make a hideous chore chart, when they moan and complain explain your only asking for 2-3 hours of work a day, school is what like 7 or 8, and if you work or have a working spouse you can throw that guilt in too. Sort of like this, ” do you love me/daddy?” they nod, ” so do you think your better than me/daddy” cause we work hours and hours on end you can’t ~~scrub the grout~~, ~~do the baseboards~~, ~~roof the house~~, load the dishwasher ?” If this doesn’t work out for you then your gonna have to suck it up, they climbed from your womb. Put on your big girl panties and print out worksheets to keep their little brains filling up instead of turning to mush. As a last result you can try one of the 2 products below, they are available on line.

ThePeachy1

You might want to remove this during Electrical Storms

OR this new product by Ranco..

you can get this at 1-877-suckitup

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Dearest Peachy1

I have a friend that is married to this really hot guy. We have been friends forever and I was her maid of honor. He’s smart, witty and very hot. He is always giving me looks and signs that make me think he is interested in me. Here is the thing. I don’t want to go behind my friends back, but I am so attracted to him. We have a party coming up the involves alcohol, I am worried I might slip up and reciprocate his signals and take it to the next step, because I actually want to. How do you think I should best handle this.

Hot for Hubby

Dear Hot for Hubby, If your wrote me even remotely thinking I would be all nice on this topic, here’s a clue, “YOU ARE DOOMED”. Even if you don’t believe in Karma, how dare you even consider this in anyway right? You are clearly NOT her friend. This is dirtbag behavior, with a Capital Dirt. You know the kind that makes people think women are crazy. It’s one thing if you slip up and say something, but your clearly premeditating this thing. Here is my advice for you. Grow up, realize that sex and attraction are not worth more than someone you have been friends with forever as you say. If you so much as wink at him or drink around him so you can “blame” alcohol you deserve a throat punch from your soon to be former friend. I think you should get a grip, and your own man if you want one so much. I understand sometimes people fall in love and it tears families apart and whatever, I get it. However you didn’t mention love, you mentioned he was hot and married to your friend and flirting. You know what on second thought, I have different advice. Slip on your big girl non psycho panties, get him alone and let him know in NO uncertain terms that your friend is awesome and your loyalty. Then if he says or does anything out of line, you tell your friend. It will hurt her. It may end your friendship, but I can guarantee if you hit on or god forbid sleep with her husband your friendship is over anyway. If it causes a fight with her and him and he leaves good. Better now than after a string of people, cause baby I can guarantee if he is looking at his wifes best friend he’s gonna look elsewhere too. Maid of Honor, you better have some.

The Peachy1

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This brings to a close the 1st ever edition of my advice column, “Tell it Tuesday” .

Remember if you have a question email it to beingpeachy (at) gmail (dot) com

xo

Peach Out

Moronic Monday – The People who love Morons

Posted on February 14, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

MONDAY AND VALENTINES DAY?

DOUBLE WHAMMY ! Today you seriously need back up. It’s one of the most emotional days combined with a Monday. For a very few the Holiday will over ride the sheer shitness that is in fact a Monday for others, the Holiday will slam this Monday into the halls of fantastical give me a second bottle of wine while I cry fame.

Could fate have lined up a more perfect slap in the face than aligning these 2 dates? Oh my dears I will try to help you here, but you will need the force as you watch that chick in the office who is a schmuck get roses or whatever else she doesn’t deserve , and the twit be presented with a new ring even though you sit there knowing you are worth 10 fold more than that.

Unless you are the one that gets them and everyone at work will then hate you.

It’s a no win situation.

I have been on both sides of this over the massive amount of years I have stumbled around this planet as the owner of a pair of boobs.

I know you are thinking OMG I bet ThePeachy1 is just always flooded with love and adoration from those in her real life so lucky to be in her real life because OMG she is so freaking awesome that anyone around here must quiver in the shadow of her greatness.

Yes you are right. Unfortunately my dogs suck at shopping and their credit is trash. My kids always come through with the love. But my husband is called the droid because he for nearly 2 decades has been amazingly void of the ability to recognize that I am a needy narcissist who CRUMBLES INTO A PILE OF TEARS OR PISSED if not confirmed as worthy.

So here is a graph I made, a Rose graph using all data from my 16th birthday regarding Valentines day gifts I have received over the years. To let you know in realistic fashion what this day has traditionally meant to me for decades.

valentines day rose graph of my shitty history with this day

I didn't marry the Droid until I was 27 so there are other relationships and single lady years included

So yeah. Sure there was that time I got 6 dozen roses delivered to my work but that wasn’t from my husband. That was from a guy I didn’t marry. Or the other guy I didn’t marry that tried to give me the 2 carat diamond ring in public on a stage. But even though they had the gusto they didn’t have my heart. My heart was destined to belong to the Droid.

To be fair and not look like a total bitch let me clarify things I have offered the Droid as ideas that I would LOVE for any holiday or any day that I would find more romantic than any store bought pre packaged gift

* him packing us a picnic and taking us and the kids anywhere even out in the yard to share time together and have a picnic

* him playing a song on the stereo and saying it was for me asking me to dance in our living room

* him picking out a poem for me and reading it to me

* since he drums – picking out a song funny or not and video himself drumming it for me

* since he plays the guitar him playing me a song on the guitar for me

* him taking me for a walk on our beach

* him actually calling someplace and making a reservation that I had nothing to do with, he picks, he decides the time, the place, the day, and he picks me up like a date, since we never had one.

*him writing me a poem

*him making me a playlist of songs for us

* him being spontaneous and just taking me somewhere and being excited to be with me, no plans, and him deciding what happens.

But after all these years not one of those things ever happened. Today is another Valentines day, so we can all make our choices on how we react to this.

It took a lot of years to figure out that I shouldn’t be mad at him for consistently failing to meet my expectations on Anniversaries, Christmas, Birthdays, and Valentines Day. Because our relationship is not made up of those 4 days per year but of all the others.

The days he holds me when I am sad, he lets me scream when I am angry. He watches me dance because I am happy, he holds my hand while we together face hard choices. He tucks our kids in at night. We watch proudly together as our kids achieve great things. We worry over each other as scary things happen. In the end, he is always there, he is not the story book knight in shinning armor that all the little girls read about, and chances are there will never be a car in the driveway with a bow, or a honeymoon, or a surprise birthday party for me, or any of the other things that women secretly ( or loudly) want.

But most of those knights in shining armor turn out to be assholes in tin foil. I will keep my Droid. My best friend, the love of my lilfe, my partner, and even though you wont see me boasting of my Magnificent Holiday rewards just know that I have the privilege of being Married to my own personal Super Man.

Happy Valentines Day Honey

I hope you all get what you really want for your Valentines day.

xo

PEACH OUT

Funny Stuff Friday- The I luv ya Edition

Posted on February 11, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Funny Stuff Friday, It's Juicy

WOOT! We made it sexy people that’s right it’s
FREAKING FUNNY STUFF FRIDAY!

Let’s get our giggle on for the weekend shall we?

In honor of this being Valentines weekend ( for those of you lucky bitches that have men that celebrate that). I decided to dedicate this Funny Stuff Friday Edition to real life relationships instead of the romance novel, resorts and jewelry commercial ones.

This almost always never ends like it did in the movies. Police, Parents, RO’s yeah that’s real.

~

” Baby you can laugh if you want but this shit is going to be an Olympic event so me and the team are practicing every night including our anniversary, OH yeah, can you bring snacks and embroider the team logo on all of our orange speedo uniforms?”

~

Team work isn’t always voluntary in a relationship.

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In some cases it’s clear from the first hour of marriage you may have not thought this through.

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or things that were ” cute” when you were dating are not as funny 15 years later.

~

So go forth my friends and enjoy your weekends !

xo

PEACH OUT

** Disclaimer**- the photos above were all sent to me in various emails, I simply compiled them, came up with the tagline or speech bubble and personal interpretation of the subject.