Tell It Tuesday- Non Avice

Posted on March 1, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Even if you don’t want to read the Non Advice which really isn’t helping anyone I do ask you go to the very bottom and click on the @WhyIsDaddyCrying picture. It is!

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. )(now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see.

TELL IT TUESDAY- A NON ADVICE COLUMN

HI Peachy,

I live in a noxious home. Between my husband, my two boys and the 3 dogs. There is always a strong stank of fart in my home. I know it’s in the carpets and drape and furniture. No amount of febreeze or plug ins will help. Any advice?

signed,
Stinkage Sufferer

Dear Stinkage Sufferer, I have a black lab that every winter lays with her butt toward the fireplace prompting me to sit nearby holding my breath and a fire extinguisher. I am sure her farts will shoot her projectile style across the family room when the chimney finally ignites them. I can not even imagine 3 humans and 3 dogs STANKING up the place. Do you feed them a lot of brussle sprouts and beans? Or any other fart famous food? I have a couple of ideas and you could make a profit on the side. #1 Buy stock in bean-o. #2 Buy actual Bean-o in bulk ( or if your a blogger you could get them as a sponsor?). Make them take it daily like vitamins in fact you painstakingly carve/shape them like Flinstones and use food coloring to convince them. Then you should also probably crush up some and add them to every meal. You might also want to consider purchasing one of these.

Best wishes… Peachy1

HUGE Bean o Fart relief and stylish gas masks

2 options- Maybe go for both? You could totally pull of the gas mask look.

*******************************************************

Dear Peach;

My nieghbors are insane. They have 8 cars in their yard in addition to a boat and a camper. They are loud and always half dressed. I want them OUT but we don’t have a HOA. Any advice?

Thanks,
Wanting them Gone

Dear Wanting them Gone. So you are seeing troublesome Jed Clampett type neighbors I am seeing exotic new friends. Clearly they have assets 8 cars? Excellent, a camper and a boat? Heck to the yeah. You could probably get a boat trip for the cost of a 6 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon or gallon jug of MD 20/20. The camper? Perfect guest room for your visiting in laws, that should slow down those pesky visits. I am seeing your obviously a glass half full kind of girl, because loud neighbors with tons of goodies is a plus in my book. I am guessing they are probably also gun collectors HUGE BONUS. It sounds like the type of neighbor that would shoot a burglar climbing through your window for you and then drag the body into the street or maybe throw it off a bridge for you. ( so if you lock yourself out tell them before you send your spouse to climb through a window or it could end badly) Still if you’re not sold on the idea of them being neighbors you can always do the sure fire run off the neighbors protocol I have perfected. Step #1 have a garage sale, every weekend really early, and have people block their driveway. If they come over and buy stuff, wait 12 hours and “borrow it back then don’t return it. Then put it in next weekends garage sale with a higher price tag”. In fact step 2 is to actually borrow stuff, constantly, especially things you can’t return. ” Can I borrow your toilet paper?” ” uhm no but you can have it.” If you have to escalate it, borrow their vehicles and leave them along side of the road and then when they see you’re home but their car isn’t say something like, ” I can’t believe how inconsiderate you are. You should really warn someone about that broken gas gage, it’s on HWY 53″ then slam the door all mad and stuff.. But if neither of these ideas seem to be up your alley, then just build a fence.. Good fences make good neighbors. I was really worried when the lady down the road built a chicken coop, until I found out I can get fresh eggs. Also you said they are half dressed? Which half? Here’s some pictures to help you get a baseline on bad and not so bad, any of these could be from my neighborhood, and it’s a great place to live. Love, ThePeachy1

xo

PEACH OUT…

PS- Thank you for all of your support and help with The Princes Science Fair Project, watching the videos, leaving him comments, sending him ideas, yesterday he won overall. So this means he goes to Regionals March 16 !

PSS- Everyones Favorite Whiny Guy ” Why is Daddy Crying” let me know last night that HIS little Prince has made the call to shave his head for St Baldricks. If you don’t know about this, it’s where people take pledges reach their goal and on March 12, 2011. Every dollar makes a difference. Please click here and support Little Dude- http://www.stbaldricks.org/participants/mypage/participantid/438848

Just the fax- Moronic Monday

Posted on February 28, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy, Moronic Mondays, The Peachy Tree

Hi guys, it’s here, Monday. No denying it. It’s basically laughing in our face letting us know it’s going to attempt to fall us like a huge oak tree onto a roof of our local happy spot. It’s our job to punch Monday in the throat/crotch and show it who is boss. I can’t help physically assist you, but I give you this mental ammo in hopes it will be like Monday butt kicking red bull to help you through your day.

I was missing for a few days. I am such a lucky person to have totally amazing ( and pretty famous) writers fill in for me doing guest posts often with little or no notice. I love them all and I hope you had the chance to see their post and visit their blogs.

The past 11 days have been pretty insane, and in my world that’s a hella high bar to jump over since I live in the land where insanity is not just the norm but the law.

So many crazy things happened that I can’t even tell you them all. So here’s a stream of words I used over the past 11 days from different conversations you take from what makes you giggle.

Seriously can I get gas like freaking now? My kingdom for a smoothie. I think I did something wrong. Yeah it’s just the right side of my face that is swollen up like that purple chick on Willy Wonka. Who did you email? What President? No I am positive I am not having a stroke. So I have to have a referral from my Dr to go to the Urgent Care, but she has 4 work days to return my phone consult? Excuse me can I go in front of you I need to ask that man for my panties back. I really don’t care but somebody is getting a stapler shoved up their butt here today. Kid please tell me you didn’t email THE “The President”. What the hell is a treemap? Can you just bribe them with cupcakes, I can make cupcakes. Dude that’s 120 freaking eggs you broke, on my deck!

But the winner of all insanity was this conversation-

Office Manager ( OM)- Ms Peachy we are going to need all of your medical records before we can decide to treat you.

Me- well I have the last 10 years and the DVD’s related specifically to what your specialty is.

OM- no, we have recently went completely paperless, we are a paperless office now, you can not bring them in, it has to be faxed.

Me- but it’s like 4500 pages, I would be happy to bring the discs in to you.

OM- No, we are paperless you HAVE to fax it or we can’t review it to decide if we will take your case. We have a new fax and new phone number just for this.

Me- that’s awesome how about if I email you the records in pdf ?

OM- NO, I think I made it perfectly clear it must be faxed we are paperless now.

Me- is this 1994?

OM- excuse me?

Me- well I get that you are super proud of your new fax machine but do you realize that it uses paper? Which means not only are you NOT paperless but my 4500 pages would turn into 9000 pages because then both of us would have a copy. What about Hippa?

OM- no you fax me yours then I have them, plus we don’t use Hippa here but we are in your insurance network.

Me- is this a real Doctors office?

OM- excuse me?

Me- look how about I drive over there, and stand at your desk make a buzzing noise and throw my records on the floor 1 sheet at a time and we pretend I am a fax machine.

OM- I don’t think we will accept your case

Me- Is your name Tilly? Do you guys have a mimeograph? I could probably work with that, but those new fangled fax machines just blow my mind.

OM- Don’t fax your records

Me- I hope you know your a Tree Murderer.

OM- click. dial tone ( similar to the one heard all over offices from 91 to 2007 when a fax was dialing)

So see I can’t have just a welcome back Moronic Monday post, because really I spent the past 11 days in a constant state of Mornonism. ( new word write it down).

So go forth today and kick some butt, if you get a chance go ahead and pretend to be a fax machine today in my honor.

xo

PEACH OUT

PS- Oh and somehow my kid ( ThePrince) Managed to pull off finishing his science fair project without me getting arrested or searched by homeland security and it ended up being pretty good, he gets judged today at lunch time. A lot of you saw so many versions as he was working on it, and that’s awesome. Thank you. Here’s the final DVD he turned in with his project. (feel free to giggle at our accents.)

Waldo my hiney

Posted on February 25, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Funny Stuff Friday, It's Juicy

Yesterday it became clear thanks to JC (@littleanimation) (http://www.theanimatedwoman) and Why is Daddy Crying ( @whyisdaddycrying) ( http://www.whyisdaddycrying.com ) ThePeachy1 is all kinds of missing. It started on Friday when non blogger @FlyDDW wrote his first blog post and it was as a guest here, and she’s been all kinds of missing every since? Did he fly her away to some place awesome? Then the great Anissa Mayhew brought us a glimpse of Mayhewba. ( @anissamayhew) (http://www.freeanissa.com ).

What no one can figure out is . WHERE IS THEPEACHY1?

Who knows-

click on the image to make it bigger and see if you can find ThePeachy1

See if you can find her above, then leave your guess of what’s actually going on or where she is in the comments. Yesterdays guesses were way awesome.