Cucumbers and KY

Posted on July 8, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in FaceBook Fun

It’s Facebook Funnies Thursday again people, This means my facebook friends become fodder for my blog. Face it people, if your facebook doesn’t look like mine then your doing it wrong.

This took place on my friends wall when she changed her status message.

This was on her wall, so it was here friends ( and family) not mine !

facebook friends, angry adult soldier sons, dirty jokes

Uhm yeah her son is a big bad soldier and not impressed with us

facebook funnies , friends, pranks, jokes, cucumbers, ky jelly, angry sons

I feel a million judgey fingers pointing at me.

and there you have it folks, I took the blame. Why? Because it’s not my pissed off adult kid mad at me for writing that one facebook. But this project may come to life.

What say you internet friends, is anyone up for this mission? This could be great…

PEACH OUT………..

Spies and National Security

Posted on July 7, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

With the late breaking news of the Russian Spies and all this infiltration going on I thought I would share with you how this all came down.

2 weeks ago ( just before the Russian spies were busted). A key player in this event was my evil aloof and down right nasty lazy cat, Dante.

This cat does not have owners or family she has staff.

One late night there was a huge commotion in our quite home. It took place very close to my feet the normally absent cat knocked over everything and was bouncing around. Come to find out she had been deep undercover.

Dante was in fact an undercover operative. She had patiently waited years for her “target” to foolish feel it was safe and then she pounced.

A wild mouse caught by my cat and trapped under tupperware

This is clearly the First Captured Russian Spy

This is the first photo released of the said Mouse Spy in custody. Retrieved from Agent Dantes mouth and in his tupperware holding cell waiting for interrogation.

According to the Geneva Convention we had to provide adequate housing during his holding period and all of his mouse rights had to be protected even though he is a SPY !

a wild mouse is given safe housing to heal

Our Medical Staff attended to his needs.

The P.O.W. Mouse agent, was receiving more than ample housing, food, and medical care. In the mean time interrogation began from Agent Dante.

happy evil cat dante sits over the mouse she caught in a cage

There was a lot of Psychological Warfare

It took nearly a week before the Mouse came clean and gave us all the info we needed. Secret Agent Dante reported everything back to HQ and boom. Next thing you know Russian spies are being caught all over the United States. ( and the next day I was attacked by fire ants- see the connection?)

So yes, you all owe our National Security to Dante. Did you hear her on any of the briefings? No. How about us being rewarded for housing and feeding and giving medical attention to the P.O.W. Mouse while it was under interrogation? Again nothing.. So there it is folks, now you know the rest of the story. ( did I sound like Paul Harvey there?)

Sleep safe tonight folks, for my family and pets are watching out for you !

PEACH OUT ..

Tell it Tuesday- Non advice column

Posted on July 6, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Welcome back everyone. It’s time for Tell it Tuesday my Non Advice Column. Remember I am less qualified than Lucy from Peanuts or a Magic 8 ball so if your problem is real, you probably don’t want your answer from me. But send them in anyway to beingpeachy@gmail.com after all I am ranked in Google for “epic asshattedness” .

and away we go….

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To The Peachy 1,

I am in college and my doormates have spent an entire year eating and drinking all my food supplies. Also they use my toilet paper and shampoo. I have to work to buy my things, but they are there with the finances of their parents. I don’t want to seem like a jerk but how can I prevent this from happening this year.

BMC ( Big Mooches on Campus)

Dear -BMC; Might I suggest you take to licking everything you own and taping a picture of it each item. I remember when I was a kid if you licked something it was TOTALLY yours. If this doesn’t deter your dorm mates then you will need to escalate the condition to Code Yellow. Put everything in containers. Then label everything with clever titles. ” Monkey Stool Specimen 5/13/2009″, or “Stage 5 Herpes study 6/1/2008″ Talk frequently of your cold sores and ask curiously over and over if anyone else has painful sores around their junk. Pretend to take science based classes and when you put away your groceries explain these are part of a research study you are doing to cure sexually transmitted issues. Also same theme with toilet paper. Print out a fake pie chart ( cause those are pretty) and some fake statistics. BIG HEADER – saying something like- ” Conclusive Proof of transfer of STD by Toilet Paper” tape that paper to the pack. Draw a HUGE red X with a sharpie on each roll with a date and label it study 1 and study 3. Whenever you get out a new roll use rubber gloves and make a big deal over it. Like , “OMG, I think there is a whole in my GLOVE, shit, you guys I’ll be right back I have to contact the professor and the CDC. This should help slow them down a little when they are sober. Good luck ThePeachy1

Petri dishes to store your food in safely

the labeling is imperative

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Dear Peachy1:

I live next door to June Cleaver. This hag is working my last nerve. She has some type of cooking, jewelry, candle, art or even gold party every week ! I am always invited but after the first 50 or so I am worn out. I don’t want to spend any more money buying any useless crap. I also don’t want the weekly bread/muffin/pie or cake she pushes off on my family that makes me feel I need to make something for her. When she returns my dish she includes “her” recipe for whatever I made. I don’t want to play her game anymore. Help.

signed,

Don’t Want to Keep Up with the Jones

Dear- Don’t Want to Keep Up with the Jones: Uhm if you don’t want all the stuff she is baking you every week you can mail it to me.. Or you could start an on-line store and sell the stuff she brings every week, then use that money to go to 1 of her parties each month? Let me know if you want my shipping address. Good luck ThePeachy1

I can't believe I am giving this idea away for free?

Dear The Peachy 1:

I have been dating this guy that I really like. We have been going out about 7 weeks and haven’t slept together. I am ready to “go there”. See he thinks I am nice girl since we waited. So when we finally hit the sack, should I pull out all my tricks or play it safe because I don’t want to scare him away because I think he could be the one.

Wild & Wanting

Dear- Wild & Waiting, Wow, this is a great debate. You said he thinks your a good girl, does this mean your not and your faking it? I would say have fun, enjoy the “hooking up” with the guy who could be ” the one”. Don’t play stupid but I would break out the trapeze, whip and ball gag on the first go around. You know him better than me. But most of my guy friends say they want a lady during the day and a wild woman in the bed. It sounds like you might just be right for that job. Good Luck I want to know how this turns out. ThePeachy1

You might want to save this for the 2nd go around.

So that brings this weeks Tell it Tuesday to a close. Remember I am not qualified in any manner to give anyone advice about anything so please keep your awesome questions coming.

PEACH OUT………..