Wednesday- The Recipe of Me

Posted on September 15, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy, The Peachy Tree

The recipe of me- by Sandi Kirk

1 part childhood memories

1 part teenage drama

dash of mistakes

stir well then place in a GIGANTIC sealed bag in the freezer to chill

in an adult sized bowl mix equal parts of

tears of pain and tears of joy,

hope and heartbreak

growth and loss

devastation and elation

blend on hard work for a couple of decades.

separate pride from humility and throw away the pride.

leave judgement at the store, and instead take home the hard choices as this will make the recipe easier to sleep with at night.

pull out chilled bag from youth mix it with last 2 decades dry mix, and gently press into a firmly formed shell but be careful not to crack it.

*some chilled childhood baggage does not fit into the adult shell, dispose of it or your recipe may become unstable.

Bake in an oven of realization that you can not control the actions, thoughts or opinions of others for another decade or until crows feet appear.

Remove, and let cool on a rack of thankfulness for those that you have ever held dear.

Top generously with wonderful understanding friends and family.

Serve with hugs, love, memories and hope.

xoxo

PEACHOUT

Tell it Tuesday- My NON Advice Column

Posted on September 14, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. I have been 3 and 4 for over 4 months. I am so proud. Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Dear ThePeachy1

My daughter is coming home from school every day in tears. She is being bullied on the bus by cheerleaders even though they are only in the 7th grade. They call her nerd, dork, geek and have turned our last name into a new “not nice” word. I don’t want to be the meddling mother here, but the turn the other cheek thing is getting old. She’s a great student and a naturally pretty girl. I just don’t want this entire year to be horrible for her.

please help,
Meddling Momma

Dear Meddling Momma- if this were the old days where most of the people that actually had children were also parents this would be easy. Make Hors d’oeuvre and a coffee cake, then simply invite the other parents over because they would be horribly embarassed of the actions of their offspring. But since we know chances are, the girls making fun of your daughter are precious snowflakes with parents who look Fab on the outside but are more twisted that a week old slinky that probably wont work. Middle school and High school pretty much blow for a lot of kids. This is where the rubber meets the road. Your daughter can find her own confidence good friends an the ability to deal with shitards like these girls or become a victim. You may not be able to stop them from saying crappy stuff, but you have a huge power. Since she is old enough explain to her, that 99,9 % of cheerleaders end up knocked up by the star football player who has the emotional depth of a birdbath. He will cheat and more than likely end up drunken fat and bald, attempting regain the early glory he received on the football field. Explain to her that when they say those things she should just smile and remember that trollops like that will marry men who will only dream around being with smart, strong, successful women like her, and more than likely be changing the tires on her BMW in about 7 years. If that doesn’t work tell her you are applying to be a bus driver just so you can terrorize those little brats because you would do ANYTHING to ensure her happiness. xoxo ThePeachy1

Dearest Peaches,

I have 3 really fun kids. But this year I have already been ambushed in the pick up line by a teacher to notify me my child is disrupting the learning enviorment of the other students with her antics. The antics include making her pencils wear big erasers as shoes and then making them dance on her desk. ( like JD in Benny and Joon) So how do I rip my kid a new butt for doing something that I find harmless and hilarious.

singed,
When Teachers attack.

Dear When Teachers Attack- wow I probably should have answered this 2 weeks ago when you sent it. Sorry. I am sure by this point the teachers have demanded medicine for your child or possibly the death penalty. I mean what kind of parent raises their smart and creative child to quietly entertain themselves? THE BEST KIND ! Next time you get the ambushed by the Teacher with some nonsensical mind dump crap, simply look her in the face and bust out laughing and say, ” OMG isn’t it amazing how smart and creative a child can be? That’s probably why you got into education right? the teacher will look at you like a deer in headlights for a moment, quickly switch gears. Gasp loudly, look concerned and say, ” OH no !!! I am so sorry I didn’t realize it was so serious, how many people were injured?” As the teacher is still trying to process this push harder. Pick up your cell phone and say, ” Don’t worry I am calling my friend he’s a Full Bird Colonel and I will have him fly fighter pilots down here to assist in the rescue and recovery efforts. ” Follow that with, ” I should probably go ahead and call the police right? for like murder of an eraser? ” then smile and say, ” I gotta go, if I don’t have dinner ready on time, the zombies in our backyard get fierce, and not in a great fashion way Fierce either”. Then drive off. This should make the teacher double her meds and back off your kid. Keep laughing and sharing fun with your kids, it’s worth it. xoxo ThePeachy1

Dear BeingPeachy,

My sister in law is working my last nerve. My husband and her husband are brothers. My husband and in-laws can’t stand her and none of us are snotty and could care less about labels and money, but that’s all she can talk about.. How can I get her to just stop being so fake.

thanks,

Ready to Throat punch my SIL

Dear Ready to Throat punch my SIL- if everyone in the family just quietly rolls their eyes behind her back or in front of her face then there’s nothing you need to do, she is making a big enough of an ass of herself without you needing to do a thing. I think you should hire a person dressed as a land shark to attack her a couple times a day and make her pee herself. If the shark thing doesn’t work, hire that creepy clown from “IT” to just follower her around and pop up in odd places, eventually she will tell you guys and everyone will be like, ” uhm yeah, not so much” and then she will get locked up in the nut hut and you will have peace and quite. If you do it mid November chances are you can get her committed by Thanksgiving and she will probably be there through Christmas. Thus making the remaining 2010 holidays not suck so much. xoxo ThePeachy1

That’s it for this week people. Please send in your questions even if they are crazy because I have around 50 I am avoiding answering because I can not find a nice way to tell them they are idiots.

PS- if you sent in your question I am not saying you’re the idiot who I am avoiding, but there is about a 1 in 50 chance.

XO

PEACH OUT

Moronic Monday- it’s all Spidermans fault

Posted on September 13, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

Hey there and welcome back to another edition of Moronic Monday. Where I hope that you are so distracted by my epically moronic stories from my past and it gives you that little push to go forth and battle the dirty wench that is a Monday.

It was the summer, and summers in the south are brutally hot, even at night. It was the late 90’s and I had just pulled the second kid out of the tub and helped him slip into his pj’s.

The phone rang , it was a friend of mine that she needed to get to the hospital and couldn’t drive. I snagged the neighbor to watch the kids and we flew out the door, scooped her up and headed to the ER. She had cut up her hand and arm because she locked herself out of her house and was so pissed she smashed out the window. ( yes I know. wow?)

*** PSA*** never a good idea to punch out a window with a bar arm, just saying.

The hospital took forever as usual. She got her x-rays, they cleaned the wound and stitched her up and an RX for the pain. We filled her meds, found a late night drive thru got her some food and got her settled back at her house.

We strolled into our house about 2:30am. Checked on the kids and sent the sitter home.

I decided I needed a shower because standing out in the heat outside the ER for 4 hours made me feel skanky and I just don’t sleep well when I feel skanky.

I turned on the shower.

I put one foot in the tub and somehow lifted the other at the same time.

BAM- SMASH- KAPOW

Just like an old batman comic I saw those words and stars.

I woke up puking a bit in a hospital ER with people asking me if my husband beat me.

WHAT? double WTF y’all.

Here’s what I missed.

1- I had planted my foot in the shower on a freaking spider man action figure left in the tub from the last kid.

2-Spidey did a double black flip out from underneath my foot and shot across the bathroom like Flash.

2- I flew backwards smashing the toilet with the back of my head while ripping down the shower curtain.

3- I was knocked out and picked up by an ambulance and taken to the ER, uhm naked.

This is where I woke up. The problem. They thought either I was drunk or had been attacked.

Why? Because who the hell takes a shower at 330am and not one part of my body was wet except for the right foot which had long since dried after my gymnastic bathroom exploits. Then factor in the entire naked thing probably caught them off guard. And by off guard I mean they probably thought I was a hooker that passed out behind a dumpster after a couple tricks.

A couple scans in between the interrogation and the puking.

Badda Bing. I am out of there and home with a kick tail headache just in time for the sun to come up so I could get my kids ready for school and head off to work myself.

Thank you SPIDERMAN for totally kicking my ass in 97. You won that round my man.

This is probably how the attack on my personage would have looked but with more shower curtain and toilet.

So yeah if you can avoid cracking your skull on a toilet and being questioned in the ER while you barf about how your husband wouldn’t hurt a fly. Then chances are you day will be much better than the one I had.

XOXO

PEACH OUT

PS- 1 skull, 1 toilet and 1 shower curtain were injured during the making of this post. Good news is Spidey is totally ok.

PPS- I am in this contest and if you are inclined to vote for me that would be pure awesome

Look for the name ” @IamThePeachy1 ” ( around number 37) and just click the vote/like button by my name. That would make me as happy as if a jumbo bag of twizzlers fell in my lap y’all. Click here.