Hey there and welcome back to another edition of Moronic Monday. Where I hope that you are so distracted by my epically moronic stories from my past and it gives you that little push to go forth and battle the dirty wench that is a Monday.
It was the summer, and summers in the south are brutally hot, even at night. It was the late 90’s and I had just pulled the second kid out of the tub and helped him slip into his pj’s.
The phone rang , it was a friend of mine that she needed to get to the hospital and couldn’t drive. I snagged the neighbor to watch the kids and we flew out the door, scooped her up and headed to the ER. She had cut up her hand and arm because she locked herself out of her house and was so pissed she smashed out the window. ( yes I know. wow?)
*** PSA*** never a good idea to punch out a window with a bar arm, just saying.
The hospital took forever as usual. She got her x-rays, they cleaned the wound and stitched her up and an RX for the pain. We filled her meds, found a late night drive thru got her some food and got her settled back at her house.
We strolled into our house about 2:30am. Checked on the kids and sent the sitter home.
I decided I needed a shower because standing out in the heat outside the ER for 4 hours made me feel skanky and I just don’t sleep well when I feel skanky.
I turned on the shower.
I put one foot in the tub and somehow lifted the other at the same time.
BAM- SMASH- KAPOW
Just like an old batman comic I saw those words and stars.
I woke up puking a bit in a hospital ER with people asking me if my husband beat me.
WHAT? double WTF y’all.
Here’s what I missed.
1- I had planted my foot in the shower on a freaking spider man action figure left in the tub from the last kid.
2-Spidey did a double black flip out from underneath my foot and shot across the bathroom like Flash.
2- I flew backwards smashing the toilet with the back of my head while ripping down the shower curtain.
3- I was knocked out and picked up by an ambulance and taken to the ER, uhm naked.
This is where I woke up. The problem. They thought either I was drunk or had been attacked.
Why? Because who the hell takes a shower at 330am and not one part of my body was wet except for the right foot which had long since dried after my gymnastic bathroom exploits. Then factor in the entire naked thing probably caught them off guard. And by off guard I mean they probably thought I was a hooker that passed out behind a dumpster after a couple tricks.
A couple scans in between the interrogation and the puking.
Badda Bing. I am out of there and home with a kick tail headache just in time for the sun to come up so I could get my kids ready for school and head off to work myself.
Thank you SPIDERMAN for totally kicking my ass in 97. You won that round my man.
So yeah if you can avoid cracking your skull on a toilet and being questioned in the ER while you barf about how your husband wouldn’t hurt a fly. Then chances are you day will be much better than the one I had.
PS- 1 skull, 1 toilet and 1 shower curtain were injured during the making of this post. Good news is Spidey is totally ok.
PPS- I am in this contest and if you are inclined to vote for me that would be pure awesome
Look for the name ” @IamThePeachy1 ” ( around number 37) and just click the vote/like button by my name. That would make me as happy as if a jumbo bag of twizzlers fell in my lap y’all. Click here.