Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it.  I have been 3 and 4 for over 4 months.  I am so proud.  Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do,  to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Dear ThePeachy1

My daughter is coming home from school every day in tears.  She is being bullied on the bus by cheerleaders  even though they are only in the 7th grade.  They call her nerd, dork, geek and have turned our last name into a new “not nice” word.  I don’t want to be the meddling mother here, but the turn the other cheek thing is getting old.  She’s a great student and a naturally pretty girl. I just don’t want this entire year to be horrible for her.

please help,
Meddling Momma

Dear Meddling Momma-  if this were the old days where most of the people that actually had children were also parents this would be easy. Make Hors d’oeuvre  and a coffee cake, then simply invite the other parents over because they would be horribly embarassed of the actions of their offspring.  But since we know chances are, the girls making fun of your daughter are precious snowflakes with parents who look Fab on the outside but are more twisted that a week old slinky that probably wont work.   Middle school and High school pretty much blow for a lot of kids.   This is where the rubber meets the road.  Your daughter can find her own confidence good friends an the ability to deal with shitards like these girls or become a victim.  You may not be able to stop them from saying crappy stuff, but you have a huge power.  Since she is old enough explain to her, that 99,9 % of cheerleaders end up knocked up by the star football player who has the emotional depth of a birdbath.  He will cheat and more than likely end up drunken fat and bald, attempting regain the early glory he received on the football field.  Explain to her that  when they say those things she should just smile and remember that trollops like that will marry men who will only dream around being with smart, strong, successful women like her, and more than likely be changing the tires on her BMW in about 7 years. If that doesn’t work tell her you are applying to be a bus driver just so you can terrorize those little brats because you would do ANYTHING to ensure her happiness.   xoxo ThePeachy1

Dearest Peaches,

I have 3 really  fun kids.  But this year I have already been ambushed in the pick up line by a teacher to notify me my child is disrupting the learning enviorment of the other students with her antics.  The antics include making her pencils wear big erasers as shoes and then making them dance on her desk.  ( like JD in Benny and Joon)  So how do I rip my kid a new butt for doing something that I find harmless and hilarious.

singed,
When Teachers attack.

Dear When Teachers Attack-  wow I probably should have answered this 2 weeks ago when you sent it.   Sorry.  I am sure by this point the teachers have demanded medicine for your child or possibly the death penalty.  I mean what kind of parent raises their smart and creative child to quietly entertain themselves?   THE BEST KIND !  Next time you get the ambushed by the Teacher with some nonsensical mind dump crap, simply look her in the face and bust out laughing and say, ” OMG isn’t it amazing how smart and creative a child can be?  That’s probably why you got into education right?   the teacher will look at you like a deer in headlights for a moment, quickly switch gears.   Gasp loudly, look concerned and say, ” OH no !!!  I am so sorry I didn’t realize it was so serious, how many people were injured?”   As the teacher is still trying to process this  push harder.  Pick up your cell phone and say, ” Don’t worry I am calling my friend he’s a Full Bird Colonel and I will have him fly fighter pilots down here to assist in the rescue and recovery efforts.  ”   Follow that with, ” I should probably go ahead and call the police right?  for like murder of an eraser? ”  then smile and say, ” I gotta go, if I don’t have dinner ready on time, the zombies in our backyard get fierce, and not in a great fashion way Fierce either”.  Then drive off.  This should make the teacher double her meds and back off your kid. Keep laughing and sharing fun with your kids, it’s worth it.  xoxo ThePeachy1

Dear BeingPeachy,

My sister in law is working my last nerve.  My husband and her husband are brothers.   My husband and in-laws can’t stand her and none of us are snotty and could care less about labels and money, but that’s all she can talk about..  How can I get her to just stop being so fake.

thanks,

Ready to Throat punch my SIL

Dear Ready to Throat punch my SIL-  if everyone in the family just quietly rolls their eyes behind her back or in front of her face then there’s nothing you need to do, she is making a big enough of an ass of herself without you needing to do a thing.   I think you should hire a person dressed as a land shark to attack her a couple times a day and make her pee herself.   If the shark thing doesn’t work, hire that creepy clown from “IT” to just follower her around and pop up in odd places, eventually she will tell you guys and everyone will be like, ” uhm yeah, not so much” and then she will get locked up in the nut hut and you will have peace and quite.  If you do it mid November chances are you can get her committed by Thanksgiving and she will probably be there through Christmas.  Thus making the remaining 2010 holidays not suck so much. xoxo ThePeachy1

That’s it for this week people.  Please send in your questions even if they are crazy because I have around 50 I am avoiding answering because I can not find a nice way to tell them they are idiots.

PS- if you sent in your question I am not saying you’re the idiot who I am avoiding, but there is about a 1 in 50 chance.

XO

PEACH OUT