WTH Wednesday the jokes for Hump Day

Posted on November 3, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

Happy Dry Hump Day y’all. This means in just 2 short days we will be all hunky dory with the weekend groove and stuff.
So let’s induldge in a little humor shall we?

So here are some more jokes sent in by readers.

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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.

I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other
asshole using my stuff.”

She looked at me and said, “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”

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What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

And

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

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The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex…
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!

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and finally –

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . ‘The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?’

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, ‘Wedding Cake.’

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Ok that’s it people just 2 more days we can totally do this. Also if you email ( which I friggin LOVE) Make sure to let me know what you are sending, for example The Non Advice Column, or random funny jokes or pictures, or for which site. I am become horrible at sorting out all the emails. Keep em coming y’all beingpeachy@gmail.com

XOXO

PEACH OUT

Tell it Tuesday my NON advice column

Posted on November 2, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. (now I rank for “robin willimas man junk” I am so proud.) Yes you can sit at my table during lunch, because I love you.

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

There are often questions mailed in that I simply can not answer, then there are those that if I answered them I would be seen as a horrible troll werewolf zombie killing kitten kicker. So here’s a few that are clearly beyond my non qualified non expertise. Maybe you have an answer?

Dear Peaches:

I am considering a multi species relationship. However I am seeing a Unicorn and a Pegasus and can’t decide which one to go all the way with.

Torn between 2 lovers

Dear Torn between 2 lovers- uhm med adjustments may be needed ASAP. But if you dated the Pegasus would you fly for free? On the upside the Unicorn is always horny. xo ThePeachy1

Hi Peachy,

My mom is dating a loser, she’s 53 and my dad died 11 years ago. I get her wanting someone around but this dude is an ubber jerk and I hate his guts. Just a super corny moocher and schmuck. Help.

Anti Schmuck club

Dear Anti Schmuck club- ok clearly your mom has a different set of standards to judge dude by, or maybe you are pulling and OEDIPUS REX? good luck xo ThePeachy1

ThePeachy1-

I chew my toenails. In private but recently I was relaxed with my BF and had a jagged spot. He freaked out and told me how gross I was. I remember watching my dad do it as a kid. Is it like bugger picking and everyone does it but just in private?

Toes R Us

Dear Toes R Us- nope it’s totally fine and normal, by normal I mean also with the nose picking and public farting/burping. Throw in kissing your sister/brother at family reunions and you have a trifecta of awesome. By awesome I mean you will be a lonely cat/dog lady. Have you no clue about the real world? EWW no xo for you I know where your mouth has been ThePeachy1

That’s it my darlings, and now you know why I found these so hard to answer without being a twit or worse. Send them your advice in the comment section. Also send in your questions for next week to beingpeachy@gmail.com

xo

THE PEACHY

Monday Morning After Party Post

Posted on November 1, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

Do you feel bloated, hung over, ready to clean the air vents but only for 30 minutes before you must slip into a sugar coma?

These are signs you have indeed went out on the designated night to ask neighbors for sugar. Remember those days? When your mom sent you to borrow a cup of sugar? Yeah it’s like that, except on Halloween you weren’t borrowing, you were pretty much demanding it in lieu of the prospect of some evil trick.

Basically your neighbors are forking out goodies under duress. That’s why you have to wear a costume, to hide your identity otherwise they would know exactly who to prosecute.

I am sad to announce this is the year my 9 year old ( the youngest) figured out ” I need to check your candy first” actually means, ” I am going to steal the good candy and hand you crappy peanut logs while I suck down your twizzlers, snickers and starburst. I was busted.

Here are some of the adorable, lovely, scary, and don’t right ghoulish photos from my facebook/blog/twitter friends.

From Melisa over at TheSuburbanScrawl

Happy Halloween Scallywags

My FaceBookFriend Gretchen H. from MN sent in pics of her Gobblins

Hunter 8 and Gavin 7 ready to trick or treat !

A Knight in Shining Armour and a Devil... LOVE it !

Checking in from Twitter we have @Magshoop it’s a ghoulish group shot !

Magshoop on twitter sends in her Halloween pics !

The Rockstar beats down Jason while the cheerleader rescues Spidey ! awesome

This one flew in under my broom Radar from @ShanSoup on twitter who also has https://simplyshannon.scentsy.us/Home

Upgrading her broom this year to Flight xp

My darling real life friends and New Orleans Memory Makers, Best Realtor in Texas and Halloween Bunco Host. Traci at http://reootx.topseller.net/

judy and traci ready for Halloween Bunco

How could you not adore this?

Traci keeping bunco fun for the Holidays

If you're in Houston you want to play Bunco with these ladies !

I know Traci has 2 boys but I can't identify the ghost ! I think Sammy has a head wound that requires some medical attention ASAP.

Now onto an already famous super Dude Liam. His Mom Ri at http://musicsavvymom.com/ is so creative she probably sheered the sheep then made the material to make this costume. Liam is destined to rock stardom and is one of the few little guys I know that could hold a candle to our dearly loved Johnny Dep

Liam as Captain Jack Sparrow, move over Johnny Depp here comes Liam

The next Gen of superstars- oh yeah he's got a little Capitan in him. ( as in it could be in that cup? )

This comes from Aiden his mom writes over at www.sometimesmeaningfulramblings.com

Aiden from www.sometimesmeaningfulramblings.com

Aiden is perfectly depicting the way I look every Monday except I am not around that many books.

Ok time for a grown up break. Next is Meredith from OH that Meredith ! Not sure what she is but that is a super cute bra and her hair is 2 DIE 4.

oh that Meredith false eyelashes, hot hair and sexy bra a costume doth make

Star Wars Geeks everywhere are in full light saber mode.

Next up the Non Stoppable Warrior Mandy and of course her family, from http://www.believeinmandy.blogspot.com/

Mandy Willis, and her family trick or Treat 2010

Mandy leads the way in 2010

I guess at some point I should include my own, so here’s the Prince..

Amazingly fast and cheap costume- Swamp Zombie

My Facebook and Twitter friends Irene and Kevin M of MA

this also could be me on a Monday unless that pumpkin is smiling.

next up is Super Winston from My Friend Rachel at http://therachelchron.blogspot.com/

Super Winston from the Rachel Chronicles

It's a bird it's a plane it's Super Winston

This next one might fool you. You see she is an actual Derby Chick, with a sense of humor that will knock you out. So I have to include her costume and then also what she looks like everyday.

It’s Kristie aka “SintaMental” Derby Chick Extraordinare !

Kristie from Roller Derby is Sintamental

Over the top !

So I hope you all had a Spooktacular weekend and got your fill of sugary sweets to get you all warmed up for the Fall and Winter Holidays to which we are required to gorge ourselves and gain that mandatory winter weight for self heating purposes. ( don’t judge me, this is how I justify it)

So go forth on this Mondays battle realizing not one person sent in a picture of their preteen girl dressed as lady gaga and not one boy was dressed as a WWF wrestler and to me, that just lets me know our country is doing a lot better than it was 10 years ago.

Thanks to all who sent in their pictures, and gave me permission to use them. You rock as always like cheesecake. ( If I forgot a link to your site or your twitter name please let me know)

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

xo

THE PEACHY

xoxo

PEACH OUT