Moronic Monday- Google wants me

Posted on December 13, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

Hey there and welcome back to another edition of Moronic Monday. Where I hope that you are so distracted by my epically moronic stories from my past ( or present) and it gives you that little push to go forth and battle the dirty wench that is a Monday. I have a new found faith that you juicy warriors will kick Mondays ass this week and here is why.

First you must know some basic facts. I am a narcissistic wench. ( clearly if you were around for my birthday you know that). I own it, full on, I love me. My life is awesome. Why you ask? Because I am in it. Of course any trained mental health professional will let you know that I am probably an overt narcissist because I am actually some shy, scared little thing and being all in love with me has something to do with a scaring childhood memory. So they can kiss my fine freckled ass. I am a skittle shitting unicorn dancing on a double rainbow awesome. But in the interest of full journalistic disclosure you should know I am also a huge Moron and am actually kind of famous for being an epic asshat. I am cool with that, it’s hard to maintain and fully own this level of ubber sparkley jazz hands without owning the fact when I suck and fail, I suck and fail in epic proportions.

So when Holly at www.midwesternmamah.blogspot.com posted this on my facebook wall this weekend you can imagine the “it’s all about me” buffet I gorged myself on.

I am number 1 on google search for twitter, being peachy the peachy 1

I understand this is a generated response due to the fact I stalk Holly on Twitter

But it lead me to go over and check on the very first thing I was famous for on google to see if I was indeed still holding my own in the eyes of search engine gods.

google search for epic asshattedness and I am the entire first page, moronic monday, beingpeachy

Soon it will be a year and I am still in #1 in your epic asshattedness searches.

Then I remember how around 5 months ago I was informed by a friend that I was also now famous for something so horrifying it nearly sent me to the liquor store.

robin williams man junk, google searches, beingpeachy, thepeachy1, do not remove

Still? Really? No one else writes about this stuff? I am not actually proud of this one, in fact it makes me put my brain in a sink of bleach to soak.

So this kicked my ego into over drive to search and see what else I surely dominated in my own little twisted tiara wearing world.

google search tyrannosaurus bitch tyrannasaurusbitch, peachy to english translation, moronic monday, being peachy, epic asshattedness

Don't attempt to correct me google. But my daughter came up with this word. So I don't think it qualifies as ME ME ME ME ME. I better search more.

assface shitard google results, humor blogger, famous, funny, moronic monday

now that's what I am talking about people.

and that delicious amuse bouche sent me into what can only be described as a feeding frenzy.

justin bieber, justank beaver, scientific proof, epic asshattedness, moronic monday, being peahcy

This unfortunately makes me wretch because it's like Robin Williams man junk

So I tried to look up things that make me happy, like :

Brendan Fraser wants me so bad. Google search, thepeachy 1 moronic monday.

There is happy in my bones right now. IN MY BONES PEOPLE !

what about the entire fire crotch story? But look where it turns up.

Moronic Monday, being peachy, thepeachy1, google search terms.

anyone else notice when you type moron it spits out the time I burnt my hoohaa?

I think it’s sort of misleading to get credit for a fire crotch immediately after a Brendan Fraser search because obviously they know WAY more than they should. Also the Fire Crotch story, totally not hot nor sexy but it does contain interpretive dance.

moronic monday, funny stuff friday, being peachy, thepeachy1, brendan fraser, fire crotch

this is so sexy I may get a shirt made

wait what about some of my more famous original verbiage?

smactastic wench, google, famous blogger, being peachy, the peachy 1, influential

No caption, doing a happy dance that my words are out there.

or

snorkel wearing pity pool dweller, peachy words, moronic monday

one of my fav's and so accurate.

it’s just about time to push my self away from the table and stop pushing my luck with google, but first…

time space differential on facebook, moronic monday, being peachy, the peachy1

See looks I am scientific and will dazzle you with my non awesome graphics skills

I was a tad shocked that I didn’t show up on the front page at all for the following searches.

supreme ruler of the universe

queen of all that is good

best ever zombie killer

or by far the most baffling mistake of all that google is making.. I DO NOT APPEAR ON THE FIRST PAGE FOR :

skittle shitting unicorn dancing on a double rainbow

I am not sure if I should be proud or embarrassed by these findings. I am quite sure that I should be embarrassed I turned them into a post to feed my own inner beast. But you know what? We all need extra armor on Monday and today I am going to see yet another new wizard behind a curtain in Oz. So consider this my just beefing up my defenses in case I run into some flying monkeys along the way.

Go forth my lovily juicy fruits and if you are confronted with the heckling of a Monday just know. I love you and you can totally sit at my table for lunch. Then make a shiv out of soap and shank Monday in the hoo haa.

xo

PEACH OUT

It’s WAR !

Posted on December 9, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy, The Peachy Tree

Here I am 50+ hours into what will surely go down in the journals of history as

“The Great Peachy Plague of 2010”

(Yes it had to be bold and italicized and in color because it is THAT serious people.)

Also it is now the lovely color of the medicine of which I have been taking like candy. Nyquil. I like my Nyquil in the little liquid caps.

I am not narrow minded and coming from a military upbringing I understand the need to flank your enemy. Using all my massive knowledge of successful battles I always opt to attack on 3 fronts.

1- The infantry- Medicine you buy at the store – aka Nyquil

2-Tanks- Wash back all medicine with frequent Hot Toddies- it’s what our parents used before Nyquil was invented. So if you are alive, someone in your ancestry used this method to survive and it worked so I am keeping it. ( also how friggin creepy would it be if you were reading this and you weren’t alive? I mean ewe, I would totally whack you in the head with a shovel if I had the strength.)

3- Air STrike- No holds barred cure all of anything- Matzo Ball Soup. ( I lovingly thank my Jew buds for teaching me appropriately how to make this in such a fashion that Pfizer and Biotech constantly try to buy it off me. This stuff can literally cure anything from a broken heart to a broken bone.

Since I ~~am totally drugged up whack out of my brain and seeing Caterpillar morph into butterflies~~ want you to understand this strategic genius, I asked WikiLinks to give me my Top Secret Battle Plan Graphic to share on my blog. Here it is. Revel in the attack plan people. Revel.

I am expecting a call from the Pentagon they need me.

As you can clearly see, I aint playing around with this stuff people. You don’t come into my house and pick a fight, I don’t lose in my HOUSE. ( I am sure this was on some sports movie I watched at some point)

So deep into the middle of battle and my search for WMD ( Whimpy Medical Disease), my massive attack hit a bump in the road when after chugging back a handful of Nyquil caplets with My Hot Toddie I noticed this through my bloodshot half closed eyes.

" she says as she swigs the Hot Toddie"

So I guess I am submitting a new slogan to Nyquil-

“The night-time sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so- you-can-rest-in-peace-with liver damage medicine.

I bet the liver transplant list is owned and managed by Nyquil. Nicely played Nyquil. You are probably smuggling stuff to the enemy so I will keep thinking your an ally.

I have to go now, have to get this sent to Nyquil so they can hopefully compensate me for my brilliance prior to Christmas Eve so I don’t have shop in a Rite Aid at 11pm ( again).

xo

PEACH OUT

sniff cough laugh

Posted on December 8, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

I am sick, I don’t really know or care what day of the week it is. It’s hide under my blankets with kleenex and pray someone sends me matzo soup. The only sure fire cure of EVERYTHING.

I think sniff cough laugh was the original title of Julia ( former reigning horsey mouth title had to be handed over to Miley Cyrus) Roberts new movie.. Also I actually think that is her legal middle name. It could be the copious amounts of nyquil I have been chugging who knows.

Sniff- There’s no way for me to write a post today. -Cough- so I will just give you some stuff that ends up in my email every day until I am all better.. ( be advised that all of these funnies came to my email via my Daddy.)

*******************************************************************

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in

floods of tears. “Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asked.

“Sweetheart,” she sobbed, “the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked

my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it,

and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone,” she sobbed again.

“I found that the cat had eaten it!”

“Don’t worry, darling,” said her husband.

“Don’t cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow.”

**********************************************************************

Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out

of her depression. Her daughter is calling her and urging her to get back

into the world.

Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies

, “Mama! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit.

After dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.

Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except

for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit. Looking at her he asks

“Why the panties?”

She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down

there I am still in mourning.”

The following night the same scenario. She standing there with the black panties

on and he in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this… a black condom?”

He replies, “I’m going to offer my condolences.”

************************************************************

“You shouldn’t compare yourself to others they are more screwed up than you think.”

“The people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the

less important ones never go away.”

I’m not a tease, I’m just a reminder of what you can’t have.

I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks

Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies.”

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

“Don’t underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers”

It takes 42 muscles to frown and only four to extend my middle finger and tell you to bite me.

I dont need Your Attitude, I Have One of My Own

DON’T LOOK AT ME IN THAT TONE OF VOICE

Never fight with an ugly person,they have nothing to loose!

***************************************************

Now please somebody make me some Matzo !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sniff