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YOU DON’T KNOW ME !

Posted on July 2, 2014 by ThePeachy1 in FaceBook Fun, It's Juicy, Latest, Moronic Mondays, Peachy Advice, The Peachy Tree
These colored bands, are earned by mothers, they hold knowledge and signify rank in Mother Martial Arts. beware.

Today I blew my cover in my super secret world wide Gang..   Damnit.   All because I ran in a store to grab my mom a treat.   I’m not Darkwing Duck, I am…  e.v.e.r.y.w.h.e.r.e.

Dear punk teenagers with the crotch of your pants lower than your knees, with a cigarette hanging out of your mouth and your shirt flung over your should showing off what might one day be a chest:

Visual Example:

if the stupid look is in this season you are freaking NAILING it !

if the stupid look is in this season you are freaking NAILING it !

The second I walked in, I saw panic in the poor elderly woman behind the counter. haven’t we all? I mean I’m sure in her day she didn’t see a mans ass crack and drawers until after dark on her wedding day, but I am forward, I’ve got kids, I am cool and down with it, I can totally bridge this culture gap of generations no problem, let me slip on my cape.

I walked closer and I hear her voice quivery with a mix of fear, with a dash of authority. I can’t quite make it out, she makes only brief eye contact with you and repeats her words, and tone. I get closer to the counter where each of you are on separate sides, like a courtroom or even a crazy dance scene from west side story might break out, and lucky me, woot woot, front row seats to this off off off off off Broadway production.

As I grow closer though, she glances at me, with fear and pleading in her eyes. I look over to sum you up again, and you have a lighter, and you are flicking it, your cheap ass lighter that’s grinding oddly on that crooked flint throwing a faint spark as you steadily flick flick flick flick.

Then out of the corner of your 14 or 15 year old mouth that isn’t holding a cigarette you are trying feverishly to light while standing across the counter from a lady working a restaurant. WOW,  NO FN WAY ?  I must have heard that wrong, surely your little boy butt did not just put vocal thrust behind the F^$* YOU! you just spewed at this elderly lady working.

Now I hear and see, she is saying, ” no smoking, no smoking, you can’t smoke here, please leave, no it’s illegal, please please just leave me. English isn’t her first language, she may speak it fine normally but maybe her being so scared and upset is making it choppy, but not to choppy to misunderstand the meaning, and I certainly understand smart ass teen, and what you said to that lady was wrong.

I stood back, waiting, to see if you 2 human beings from such different times, who have had such different lives can come together to communicate, without any escalation. I mean honey please, your tennis shoes and watch probably cost more than this ladies car, and I’m quite sure your comfy little “pseudo” hard life was  obviously way worse than whatever this woman went thru 50 years ago in another country she left to move to this one full of strangers,  strange language,  crossing an ocean to bust her ass to work in the food industry and be intimidated and cussed by a little spoiled puke poser like you.

Uhm no. You can’t. because in walked your 2 little spoiled punk boyfriends. with your shirts off, and your pants around your ankles which pretty much ensures no matter my current physical state of health I can disable each of you with little effort as basically you have tied your ankles together.. genius move dorks..

I tried, I did. I honestly tried to stay out of it. But my mom really really really wanted a food item from this location, and since even though I am an adult I do want to see my mom smile I had left her in the car while I ran in to grab what she wanted. I wanted to be some sort of bridge for you to to communicate across.  DAMN YOU !  I already had my stupid cape on and now, I have to step in.

Sadly, I left my “little prick to English dictionary” in the car. So when your little boyfriends came in, holding their regions that might one day turn into a gender, and you yelled, ” F &^% YOU, followed by a racial slur as you made another round of attempts to light your cigarette, I remembered I may not speak little prick, but I speak mom.

So son, when the fat old white lady in capris and flip flops with her hair in a clip who looks like every other old white soccer mom on the planet reached up and slapped that cigarette out of your mouth today, I saw you recoil in fear, I understand when your little boyfriend bowed up like he forgot his common sense at home in his upper middle class 2 parents home with a landscaped yard and thought he was going to run his mouth in my direction, yeah yeah I stepped at him, and used my best loudest, out door  MOM voice to scream while pointing. ” BOY DON”T YOU DREAM IT!! I KNOW YOUR MOMMA !! I WILL KNOCK YOUR SMART MOUTH INTO NEVERLAND IF YOU DON”T STRAIGHTEN UP AND GET OUT NOW ! in that split second dumbass 3 took off as fast as he could possibly waddle with his pants around his ankles towards the door, dumb ass 2 started backing himself toward the door like a duck backing away from a croc, and you, you I never broke eye contact as I growled, ” DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? you blinked, I had you.

I had you, and I made you apologize, I made you throw away your ILLEGAL smokes and lighter, and I made you pull up your pants and walk out.   Of course you do NOT know who I am,  for I come in many forms.

Here’s the deal my little friend. Those of us “old ladies” you think you strike fear in? Baby boy, we been playing this game so long, we can flip it like a light switch.. Do you doubt me? Find any mom in the stands at her kids sports game, she will come completely OFF THE DAMN chain over a bad call by the ref. That mom, yeah that’s the same mom, that by one look and without saying a word can make your grown father cower off to the pantry to empty the trash.

There are ways to spot us. We keep our pants pulled up. often our hair too. we wear gang related clothing, often it’s like capris or yoga pants with a hair band around our wrist, you come across a mom with more than one hair band on her wrist? you are doomed, they are like belts in martial arts. Just quietly, and respectfully back the hell away. Of course you don’t know who I am son, because I am ” every mom ” the mom you thought was at work, or at home or busy, and trusted you and your little friends to go walking a strip mall while she got a pedicure. I am the shadow in the closet, I am the cop at the door, I am the glass of water that braves the dark at 2am when you were too scared to speak.  I am the Doctor who nursed your wounds, the Teacher that helped you sing the ABC’s.  I am the mother in labor, and the mother who keeps selected baby baby clothes in a keepsake box.  I am the Judge, the Jury, and I poses a pair of eyes in the back of my head I allow your mother to channel.  I will watch your precious little ass for her, if her eyes aren’t near.  If she has misplaced trust in you, I will point out kindly how you are tying the damn rope around your neck yourself.   I have faith that any mother of any child who was trying to play big bad ass criminal man, and scaring an old lady today,  would have knocked the shit out of you so hard you would be back in diapers.  If  I am wrong about your mom,  if.  IF.  If I am wrong and your mom thinks it’s fine for her little boy half naked to have ciggerettes, a dirty mouth, break laws and treat another human like trash,  well then son, you need me more than you will ever know, and I’m sorry that your mom wants to be your friend more than she wants you to be a good person.  Just remember..   We are a world wide network,  we are trained,  you wont ever know who is watching.  So don’t be a little shit.  m’kay?

Love Always !

PEACH OUT

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being peachy, kick ass moms, littleprick to english dictionary, mom gang, network, peachy, pull your damn dirty diaper pants up, punks, stupid criminals, supermom, teamwork, thepeachy1 No Comments Read More

Stupid-Expert Level

Posted on April 8, 2014 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

And then the stupid rained down upon mankind….   and they danced in it, and smiled, and stomped upon common sense until it was missing from the Earth.

Enjoy this chat transcript with a nation wide cell phone company.

Please wait while we connect you to a representative.
You have been connected to an idiot.
wood:  Hi, Barb! How may I assist you today?
Barb:  I am logged in to my account , but I can’t find my balance.
wood:  I can certainly understand your concern and I will be more than happy to assist you today 🙂
Barb: _____63
wood:  For me to discuss the account, please verify the last 4 digits of the social security number, date of birth and the email address…
Barb:  dec _____ is my birthday
wood:  I am sorry?
Barb:  email is _________.com
Barb:  _____ is my last
wood:  Thank you very much for using the chat option for your question and concerns, feel free to come back in the chat room and we will be more then happy to assist you.
wood:  Thank you for verifying your account, please give me one moment to access and review…
wood:  Thank you for verifying your account, please give me one moment to access and review…
Barb: I am logged onto the website in my account but no where does it say what my balance is.
wood:  I do understand !
wood:  YOur account balance is $1 you will need to make a payment of $24 before 04/18
Barb:  OH k
wood:  .
wood:  Yes!
Barb:   that makes sense. 
wood:  I , do understand.
wood:  There is a ).00 balance on the other line of ___3 and it must be paid by 04/18 as well .
wood:  Ok!
Barb:  where do I go to see that part of my account
wood:  Is there anything else I can help you with today?
wood:  You will need to be signed in as a primary account.
Barb:  yep same question as first one, how do i find the part of my account that has minutes and $
wood:  For security reasons we can not change this over WEB .
Barb:  oh no… so they put ______93 as the primary
wood:  No, the online account is set up as secondary on both.
wood:  You can contact Customer Service by calling 1-8WESUCK or *611 on your mobile phone and they can help you with that.
Barb:  wait a minute? I am logged in, for MY SECURITY I already gave you my bday my social and my email. I doubt seriously you telling me where the hell that part of my account is is more dangerious
wood:  The accounts need to be set up as a primary account to view.
Barb:  what?
Barb:  what is this mess
wood:  I am happy to help you but would appreciate it if you wouldn’t use offensive language during the chat.
Barb:  I bought 2 of them together ______3 and ______3
Barb:  hell is a location
wood:  It is also offensive language.
Barb:  I was born before ww2 buttercup, I gave you all my private info now you can tell me where to find MY info
wood:  Further offensive language will result in the termination of this session.
Barb:  oh my
Barb:  ok
wood:  The online accounts are set up as secondary.
wood:  This means that only limited information is available,
Barb:  you need to go ahead and get a supervisor and ask them to please come tell me how to get to the part of my website that shows my balance, I deserve that. I pay you.
wood:  The account needs to be set up as primary to view extensive information.
Barb:  my account balance is not ektensive
Barb:  that’s where i pay
wood:  For privacy reasons, we are not able to set the account primary through the WEB Chat channel.
Barb:  you mad eme give you my social
Barb:  my email
wood:  You may Contact Customer Care or visit the local store.
Barb:  and my birthday on this chat
Barb:  how is adding money to an account a security risk? that is insane
wood:  Yes that is correct as I have went over the account with you.
Barb:  and not answered how I find my balance and to add money to it
Barb:  since I’ve done on line before I know I can
wood:  Yes, in order to view the balance and make payments on the account the account must be set up primary.
Barb:  if this chat isn’t secure enough for you “assistance” to tell me where my account is. then why is safe enough for my social and dob
wood:  My apologies for any incovience this may cause, however this is for the security of the account holder,.
Barb:  I’m the accoutn holder and you MADE me give you my social and date of birth on this chat? what part of insane does this “rule” come from
wood:  Yes, we must verify the account to go over any information on the account.
Barb:  but you can’t tell me what button to click on your website to see my account because of security itssues?
Barb:  oh my, no wonder our country is headed to the toilet, no common sense and full of shit.. which is not a location but an actual offensive word which is what it is intended to be
Barb:  good bye

and then I banged my head in a car door until it all made sense..  I think I saw Barb in the parking lot doing the same…

 

 

xo

xo

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cell phones, chat, felony stupidity, security 1 Comment Read More

I will love you forever.. Happy Birthday Dustin.

Posted on October 21, 2013 by ThePeachy1 in The Peachy Tree
My Oldest Son Dusty when he was 8

Happy Birthday my little Boy.

Today you are 22.  I can’t touch you, hug you, or draw you a card.  I can’t hear your voice or subject you to listening to my off key loud version of Happy Birthday.  I haven’t seen you in just short of a year again.  Last time I saw you, you were thinner, smaller, and still very angry with the 21 years of pain where I couldn’t make it better.

 

We all love you and miss you so much.  Your little brother cries for you sometimes,  I hug him and try to make a joke, we talk about how you could be surfing or skateboarding in California.  Once he smiles, and moves on,  I store away the pain he felt in missing you, in my heart right next to where I keep mine.   My daily life now, is really nothing more than existence.   for 25 years I was a MOM.  That’s such a big word isn’t it darling.  MOM.  I made sure to do ALL mom things, and most definitely ALL of them the right way.  I didn’t draw a breath that wasn’t used to power the MOM.   My mistakes, my temper, my impatience, my ridiculous level of how things had to be.   Nothing…   They  were all NOTHING.

 

This world and this you and me thing.  It’s just so impossible.   Why ?   Honey,  Why the hell can we not get along.  Me to bend and you to calm and just love.  Even if from a distance.  Only when it’s safe for you.  Only on topics that are safe for us.  Your rules. Just like your sister.    I don’t push in on her life.  I stay back, and am here when she needs, and I still make her mad and hurt her feelings even though I try to very hard to monitor my every interaction.     I would be so grateful if I could at least have that with you too.     I don’t agree with everything you do.  I’m not supposed to.  I’m your mom.   But I promise to curb my constant and chornic advice if you can promise to curb your temper.  Can we meet somewhere it doesn’t even have to be the middle.

 

I drag myself through day to day,  at this time of year I could probably go out in public and people would appreciate my zombie like movements and blank emotions.  I have to tuck it all away.  Smile, nod, be funny, listen, care.   Damn it baby,  WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU ????     Can’t you get to a library and email me?     Steal a damn phone and text me?    Get arrested and have them call me?  something…  it’s your BIRTHDAY.    I just want to tell you Happy Birthday…   I want to hear you. Even if you scream at me.

What am I doing?  This is your birthday.  I will use one of the adorable old pictures of pictures from one of the other posts of you.  Your adorable beautiful, gorgeous pictures that are to this day in every room of this run down, horribly empty, run down shell of a version of my dream home.  Your silly birthdays with my always silly Halloween cakes I made for you each year.   Remember the year I forgot the candles?  ME?  OMG. yeah and I had to use those big fat emergency candles  hahaha,  that year you had a Dracula cake, and I stuck a huge fat ugly white candle on his face as a nose.  You loved it.   But you know what.  I had tried to place the emergency candle on the bottom of the cake instead of in the middle of his face but it looks like huge white vampire penis,  so I put it in his face.  Makes sense right?   I mean.  Obviously  I was the perfect Mom.  Not.

I’m not sure if I ever told you, but you, your PawPaw and Your Great Great Grandmother Kate were all born within 6 days of each other..    I am going to write down my memories of her, because well, everyone that knew her has passed away.  So if anyone is going to know a damn thing about her I better get it written down.  She played piano in the silent movie theaters, and had incredibly long silver hair she wore in a bun every day.  She had a picture of  the stereotypical white blonde haired blue eyed Jesus at a door in a garden with flowers and “light” that hung behind her couch.  She was Walt Whitmans cousin and I have some letters and school books of theirs in the curio cabinet.  Do you know who Walt is?  Have you read anything by him?   Are you ok? Are you safe?  Are you eating?  Are you warm?   I could really give 2 shits less about Walt Whitman or a blue eyed Jesus.  Honey.  I’m so sorry you didn’t get the mom you needed,  please be ok,  please be happy.   If hating me fuels you to do better and be happy than please for the love of god hate with me all your strength.

I have no clue what I am doing here.  Like everything else I write to you facebook, texts, or posts here.   You wont ever see it.   The fact that I have left this place so empty and unused for nearly 2 years pretty much assures me no one will see it and honestly I think that makes all this much easier to write.   SHIT.   If you did see this.  How shitty is it that I turned your birthday into an “all about me” type thing?  right?   I’m telling you dude, you and your sister really drew the short stick when it came to sound  parenting.   She’s been using that degree in psychology for a couple years now,   I wish you and her could get together and laugh and talk about your screwed up childhoods were with a whacked out mom.  See.  I would rather have you two be close, or at least amicable,  because when it comes down to brass tacks, family is all you have.    I hope that one day she can move past, and you can move forward and you 2 can at least like each other.  Also, I know you are very literal,  so disregard the “brass tacks” comment,   I do NOT want ANY tacks involved with any communications between you and your sister if there ever is any.

 

Shit. See.  here I sit in the dark, purposely removed from everything that is the world today.  Crying,  ugly cry.  My nose weighs 10 tons. My head is pounding, obviously there’s some pressure issues going on.

Snot dripping down my face, too lazy to even get kleenex because I have to get this out of my head out of my heart.   Snot on my shirt. snot on my arm. I grabbed a roll of toilet paper and my bed is now covered with little white fluffy balls containing snot.

I will have to shower now, and put on clean clothes, maybe when my eyes stop stinging.    The toilet paper balls of snot are disgusting.   Remember how you always got spontaneous nose bleeds?   GROSS.  The Dr’s were like, ” Oh that’s nothing”…   dude,  would it not be awesome if we would have been cool enough to say something like, ” yes every time he uses his psychic abilities his nose bleeds”  ahahah… Lord knows son, you were messing with the minds of the highly educated Doctors as a hobby for a very long time before I caught on.   Looking back.  Kudos my boy.  I appreciate your stellar sense of humor in an act of  protest.

Everyone says, Alex is just like your dad, and Sam is just like me…   Sam’s pretty awesome, with all those degrees and steady job and good credit, and not falling in and out of love every time the wind blows.   When you look at it like that, she’s not at all like me is she?   I mean.   You.  you pick up and take off where the wind blows you, you see what you want to see and when you want to see,  you do things that make you happy on a primal level,  good,  bag or illegal.  You self medicate, and are the focus of every party, people instantly love your charm and enjoy your company and you either sore with the eagles or your crash to earth with endless internal pain…   Hell honey,  it sure sounds a lot like you are just like me.  Not the me that everyone knows now, or the me that everyone thinks I am.  that was the me was before I got all serious and became a MOM.  yeah.  So maybe when I was trying so hard all these years to fix all your mistakes and all the things wrong or broken with you, I was really just trying to go back and fix all the broken shit about me.    Either way, we both ended up broken..    but it’s only YOUR birthday, so please find a way to let me know you are ok..

It’s good that I am alone.  the audible guttural sobbing noises are making the dogs bark at the doors, I should let them in and clean myself up and go back to pretending I’m ok.  You’re ok.  It’s ok.

 

Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday dear Dustin…   Happy Birthday to you.. I will never stop loving you.

 

 

xoxo

Mom Out.

 

Previous Post in regards to “The Dude”

March 2012 –  Is this living it only feels like waiting.             or            May 2011- Covering the scars of a failed Mom.                   and

May 2010-  The 3 part extremely person and brutally honest  series about a beautiful little boy.  

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add, adhd, being peachy, bipolar, birthday, dude, dustin, dusty, failure, happy birthday, missing child, mom, motherhood, PAIN, parenting, peachy, scitzophrenic, tears, the dude, thepeachy1 7 Comments Read More
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