Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” (Not making this up the link to the screenshot is right here. ) So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, email@example.com, PULEEZE for the love of Christ on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.
Dear The Peachy One,
Say you have this friend. This really nice friend. This really super nice friend. This really super nice friend in a wheelchair. And say you’re visiting this really super nice wheelchair driving friend and brought along, oh I don’t know, your two kids and two dogs. And while your at your really super nice wheelchair driving friend’s house, you’re eating all their food, sucking up all their air conditioning, using roll upon roll of toilet paper (not that you personally have a bathroom / bowel / inccontinence issue, but your younger child is newly potty trained and goes to the potty every 2.4 minutes). So say you run thru the drive thru of a wonderfully wonderous house of chicken. And your super nice wheelchair driving friend twists your arm hard and fast, leaving you with a huge bruise and wounded ego, and steals your money so you can’t pay. Then say you go with your really super nice wheelchair driving friend to the haircut place. And behind your back, while you’re not looking, they PAY FOR YOUR KIDS’ HAIRCUTS!!!!
Pissed at The Gimp
Dear Pissed at THE Gimp; how strange that I know exactly the gimp you speak of and have had several dealings with this particular jedi myself. I must warn you the force is strong in this one. She can provide a quick crotch kick and simultaneous throat punch that will render you helpless. From a hospital bed this gimp smashed me to the floor with a pillow. You can not win. Do as all of our husbands have done and accept your station in life humbly. Also please give the wheeled one all my love and tell the vicious witch I love and miss her dearly. While your passing out msgs tell her evil spawn I do the booty dance in their honor. They will understand. The only technique I have found useful when dealing with her is to place tv remotes, phones, and other wanted items on the highest shelf. However if you happen to have brought along a dead scorpion that could work, and her husband would call it terror therapy, because well he would. So enjoy. Love- ThePeachy1
My friends on facebook seem to either whine constantly over mondane things, send test of my religion or snidely insult me in a passive aggressive way. Unfortunately this is my family and mostly my in laws, I feel inhibited as to what I can say and do on my own facebook due to them lurking in hiding to sling an insult. Please help.
Walking on Glass
Dear Walking on Glass; I think we have all dealt with this on some level or another, be it face book or blogs. The way I see it you have 3 clear cut choices. 1- continue for eternity walking on egg shells and build up pent up anger until you flip out at the family gathering on thanksgiving and go down in history as the first Cranberry Serial killer. 2- Create another facebook account for just the cool friends where you can let your hair down and say as you please and do not let anyone in your family know about it. Sort of like a Russian spy, but don’t say spy things cause the FBI reads facebook and you will go down like a cheerleader at homecoming on the quarterback. Then your family will say OMG it’s true we knew there was something up and they will sell you out cause family sucks like that. Then there is the 3rd option. Post a warning that it’s your facebook, and your friends and you will say and do as you damn well please and if they don’t like it they can remove or block you, and if they bitch or moan you block or unfriend them. This option would require more balls than a Christmas Tree and probably would put the kabosh on family gatherings going smoothly so choose wisely little padawan. I would probably do a mix of 2 and 3, since I have tender feet and walking on eggshells just aint my style. Love- The Peachy1
My teenage daughter recently revealed to us that she is in love with a young man who is a vampire. Needless to say we are not happy with this. I blame twilight for this. How can I stop this insanity.
Future MIL 2aBloodSucker
Dear Future MIL 2aBloodSucker- WTF? How can you blame Twilight when clearly your daughter is as mental as the boy she’s bopping. Is your family too busy licking windows on the short bus to recognize that your batshit crazy? Blame yourself, no seriously, if you would have taught her the difference between Movies, TV and real life maybe she would know he’s not a real vampire. But since you didn’t then I guess you have no recourse other than to sew garlic into her underwear, and leave holy water and wooden stakes laying around when he visits. I don’t know if this kills the new sparklie vampires or not but hey it will send a message. My goodness do you realize the drama of the werewolf/vampire wars you will become entangled in? Also if you could get her interested in something else like a unicorn or something that would be much cooler, because then he could eat your grass and furnish rides at birthday parties, then at least he would be of use. Love ThePeachy1
and that wraps up this weeks Non Advice. Like the magic 8 ball I have spoken.
You’re much better at this advice stuff than I could ever be. My initial response to any problem is a swift throat punch and kick in the crotch. * I may have anger issues *
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great advice!!! 🙂
i now know who I can come to when i need help.
Ok, Peachy, seriously, you need to give the grass eating cloven creatures a rest. Have you so soon forgotten your own foray into alternative lawn maintenance? And that was just a goat. Can you imagine if a unicorn climbed into the shower with that poor woman? This isn’t like a goat. Those unicorn horns are nothing to mess with. What if she was so startled by the voyeuristic unicorn that she slipped and fell? The possiblities are too horrifying to consider. And what about the poor unicorn? They’re creatures of innocence. Think about how traumatized it would be! Honestly, it’s as if you don’t take your advice giving responsiblities seriously.
Well I always expect my readers to practice safe unicorn sex. I mean I think they can just stick a pool noodle ( those big foam things) on the horn and it wouldn’t be dangerous at all. Plus dont even for a second believe that unicorns are innocent. PULEEZE. We all know they are the whores of the fictional world, or they wouldn’t have so many posters. I mean did boys have the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders poster or Mother Theresa? Hello… but yeah goats are not magical, at all.
Dear Future MIL 2abloodsucker,
If you sewed garlic in her underwear, not only would you repel her emo boyfriend, but all the other boys as well. It would be like killing a few million birds with one stone.
Dear MIL 2abloodsucker I am sure that Britt is in no way inferring that your daughter may have a few million emo kids/vampires/unicorns near her panties and therefore her crotch. Ok yeah she is never mind.
Thanks so much for your advice. I shall take it and run with it. And I’ve also discovered that wheelchairs roll REALLY fast downhill. That might also be an effictive way to deal with someone’s high handedness.
Loving the new asshat advice pic!