Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” (Not making this up the link to the screenshot is right here. ) So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to firstname.lastname@example.org, PULEEZE for the love of Christ on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.
Dear Peachy Dear Peachy
You won’t believe this
My wife makes me clean up whenever I miss
She tells me to lift the seat and adjust my aim
I’ tell her it’s that 6 pack of Coors that I blame
Dear Puddle Maker- I am not sure why you used my name twice in the intro, unless you are trying some super creepy hypnotism thing to make me say something nice, if so it’s not working. Coors light? Eww. Ok first yes you have to lift the seat prior to using the potty, flush and then put it down. Your aim should be that of a sniper from 150 ft. If your having aim issues I suggest doing what I did for my sons. Place cherrios or fruit loops in the potty and make it a game see if you can sink the suckers with your powerful man stream. After a while you will find your aim getting better and you will enjoy the harmony in your household. As a side note, if you clean the toilet and around it 1 time a week without being asked and without making a big deal out of it, you may get lucky. Let me know how this turns out. Love, ThePeachy1
Dear Peachy One,
My 14 year old daughter chews her fingernails to the quick and I have also caught her chewing her toenails. Even getting her a manicure and pedicure does not work. I guess it’s not harmful but it’s disgusting, how can I reason with a teenager?
Chewed to the bone
Dear Chewed to the Bone- FRIGGIN EWWWWWW! First of all that’s just gross, chewing your finger nails is bad enough but seriously? Her feet? She’s 14 and your just now worried about it. Ok it is not only gross but it does pose a health risk. Can you saw WORMS? Yes she can get worms from that. Also any other plethora of diseases and bacteria. Google diseases from chewing nails click images and then make her look. A psychologist would tell you to find out why she is doing it and try to help relieve the cause. But honestly if your biggest problem with your 14 yr old daughter is that she chews her nails, your pretty damn lucky. At least make her carry around and use hand sanitizer and use it constantly. That stuff tastes awful. Maybe buy her a lot of gum. Yes I hate seeing/hearing kids chomping on gum like cows, but in this case it would be a step up. Good Luck, Love Peachy
You’ll never guess what ?
But I have a problem
keeping my big trap shut
My wife asked if she looked fat in her dress
I told her the truth and now my life is a mess
Dear Couch Sleeper, It’s hard for me to believe this story/question. There mere fact you can see out of your eyes and have use of your hands indicate that you may be lying. So clearly you have the ability to say things that may not be 100% true when you need to. Also this always worked great for me in my marriage. DO NOT ASK if you don’t want to hear it. When a woman asks if she looks fat in something it’s generally to see if you will compliment her. ALWAYS COMPLIMENT HER. However if she’s 220 and in skin tight leggins or a bikini you might want to do something clever like this. ” Hey honey you know what, you haven’t treated yourself to something new in ages lets go shopping” Yes it will cost you, but so will the hotel and the divorce. So send her off spending and if you tag along you can help pick out something you would like to see her in. If you or your budget is not up for a shopping trip, I suggest the tried and true solution of having friends who are fatter to make you feel skinny. Best wishes, The Peachy1
If you cant find the potty trainer in your local stores, fruit loops work too. Throw a few of them suckers in the bowl and play sink the rings. Worked with my dh and ds, well that and the occasional flogging.
Peachy – when when WHEN are we going to hear the story of the goat in the shower?
[…] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Holly , ThePeachy1. ThePeachy1 said: Todays post, just up, sorry it's late, my non advice column http://www.beingpeachy.com/2010/07/20/tell-it-tuesday-the-late-edition/ […]
Ok. I agree with the chewing toenails thing. Unacceptable! That’s a battle I’d pick right away. No, I’m not saying you should get her to switch to picking her toenails instead of biting them, geez!
Also, I have never potty trained a human, and I love this idea of targets in the bowl. Maybe you should market some special ones for grown men. They could be in the shape of boobs and vaginas. Or nascar races and beers. I think they’d be a big hit.
well now.. that’s pretty genius, with my sons I used cheerios and fruit loops, but for me folk, I could make little “plumbing friendly” army men, beer cans, and deer heads.. you may be on to something here.
How is it possible to get drunk enough to spoil your aim on Coors Light (the USA version, not the stuff they brew over here in Burton on Trent, England)?
I have an uncle who visited the USA and says that him and his mates spent an evening with a crate of Coors Light and were simply unable to get drunk on it! Can American men not handle their beer as well as us Brits:-)
I didn’t ask if my writer was an american or not, ( I don’t like to be all judgey like that). But most people in america do not have access or the want for the malts and brews you have over there, we have crazy shit like Ice, and stuff. I don’t drink beer. I don’t know how many beers were in that ” crate” your uncle had, since it comes in 12 packs or cases. But if your uncle drank 24 beers and couldn’t get drunk I would suggest he join AA or start betting on his ability to not get drunk.