A Joke from my Daddy- WTG Wednesday

Posted on February 2, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy, The Peachy Tree

If you are a follower chances are you have been privy to my secret WMD (Wonderful Mulit- forwarding Daddy).. My daddy is 79, he is awesome. Some technology may elude him but there is one thing this man has mastered. He can forward 278.5 emails to all 822 people in his contact list 10+ times a day. His priceless passing on of humor from his veteran buddies, former county co workers and anyone he has ever met at a gas station in any state. Because if you meet him and your not a total asshat you are GETTING ON HIS EMAIL LIST.

ENJOY !

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A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION
The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. ‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. ‘How dare you do this to me — a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you. I want a divorce right away!’

And the husband replied, ‘Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.’

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began — ‘Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.’

The husband took a quick breath and continued – ‘She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

‘Please … Do you have anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

Tell it Tuesday- Non Advice

Posted on February 1, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in Peachy Advice

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. )(now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see.

Dear “Smuggling Hams” since you implied your formal was wrist and ankle length and not sheer, a good friend and a considerable amount of duct tape can give you that figure you’re looking for. Breathing wont really be an option nor will sitting, so just hang out with all the other blue faced standing ladies that look fantastic at the ball. XO PEACH OUT

Dear Fuzzy love- this isn’t really an answer, but uhm do you take that to a regular dry cleaner? What does the rental place do if you return it covered in ecto plasm? XO PEACH OUT

Dear Walk on the Wilder Side- thats sounds like a blast. Be warned though, if you can make up your own glue out of confectioners sugar and cream cheese. this will keep the tassels on as you move but when removal time is around GRRRRR.. Yummy! XO PEACH OUT

Dear Enough Already- I think 16 years old is considered VERY late term abortion. Not saying can’t find a Dr. I would call MJ’s Dr, or that Kavorkian dude. Or you know what? you could throw that momma curse on him and just hope his kids are just like him and then grin and bear for a couple more years. XO PEACH OUT

To the 12 people who wrote me asking if they could bury their ( spouse, coworker, child, mailman, boss, in laws) in the snow. I LIVE ON THE GULF OF MEXICO IS IT 70 HERE RIGHT NOW. But thinking ahead, I am assuming unless your Sarah Freaking Palin ( you’re not right) then your snow will melt and you WILL be busted. BAD BAD BAD idea. My neighbor the pig farmer says they eat everything but the skulls. I thinking of opening up a ” disposal” service but I would need a cool name.

XO

PEACH OUT

Also did you notice this cool button on the Side bar? “Heroes for Holden”

Click here for the story

Now if you can NOT donate, then by all means don’t but if you can get the word out, share the badge, post it on your side bar, write a post about it, whatever then email me for the code to put on your site to link everyone up. beingpeachy@gmail.com

Scientific Studies-Mayans-Moronic Monday

Posted on January 31, 2011 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy, Moronic Mondays, The Peachy Tree

Hi guys. I know this is where you come to get your armor so that you can go out and fight your way through the dirty wench that is Monday by laughing at what a huge moron I am after reading my Moronic Monday story and then comparing your own day to it.

However- this week is going to be a little different. You will of course still be left with that warm feeling in your belly that lets you know I am indeed a moron.

The situation is I have been working on a Scientific Studies Series that will explain the Apocalypse. In order to fully grasp it, you will have to visit both blogs this week.

I pretty much explain it all on ThePits so you should start by CLICKING HERE

( go ahead it will open in a new window when you’re done just come back and finish this post.)

A lot of credit is being given to the Mayan Calendar and Millions of Dollars are being spent to study it, why it ends when it does and what it means. Some really smart Scientist Guys ( code for dudes who don’t get laid EVER) have determined that it’s based on their 2600 year cycle and December 21 2012 will be the birth of a new era and that birth is bloody and painful. ( clearly they have NEVER seen the Orgasmic births on Youtube. I really do wish I could scrub that from my memory.)

Anyway, a lot of people are freaking smooth out because of the Mayan Calendar. So I used my Government Experience to come up with a more feasible explanation of what happened.

That’s the mystery behind they Mayan Calendar. Now you know.

Seriously you guys I swear. It’s not some big freaking end of the world stuff ( maybe) it’s that they had staff ( budget) cuts to make.

Stay tuned every day this week as both blogs, here at BeingPeachy and next door at http://www.thepeachy1.blogspot.com will be taking you on a journey that will ~~fill your head with useless crap~~ enlighten you.