Breaking and Entering Fairy

Posted on May 27, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in FaceBook Fun

You can actually buy one of these at http://www.enchanteddoorways.co.uk/

So the other day my entire post was about how my friends had turned my personal status message into something way far off track. My friends do this to every post every day, in fact my entire blog could be about it. But what is so cool is something you may or may not know depending on who you are, I have all these groups of friends, HS friends, College friends, old work friends, family friends, kids parents friends, and the catagories keep going on and on. Then I have this really tight knit group of ~~freaks~~ dear friends that I don’t really know all that well in real life but am quite sure in a we all served jail time together in a previous life.

One of my greatest pleasures is seeing what they will inevitably do on my wall. Not only are they flipping hilarious but they are smart, ok wait, I may need to retract that after this post. See I have a friend who I will refer to as TW. We met online when a mutual friend of ours had a real life emergency and we both commented on that friends wall about crying. ( I think I actually told her the story of how I cried about a lizard falling off my french doors and I collapsed on the deck balling my eyes out. It wasn’t the lizard, it was the friend, it’s called transference or something, that’s what Sam said.) Anyway we became friends and started talking on the phone, skype, she visited on her way thru my lovely state and we even met in the big easy for a Girls night out. (They are still trying to straighten the place back up, sorry NOLA.)

So anyway this friend in question is like a cyber cop, you post something she finds out the answer, she is a partner in a successful real estate company in Texas ( hit me up if you need a good realtor in TX cause she rocks).

So with all that said, you know there’s a but coming right? Well she’s this cutie patootie olive skinned dark haired doll baby – to the eye…

BUT- to the brain, she is full on BLONDE. Oh yeah, not even kidding.

Exhibit A- on her facebook under notes there is one titled.

“Just thought I would keep this one in case I ever need to laugh again”

yes, she actually left herself a public note on facebook just “in case” she ever “needed to laugh” again. Like EVER? Now in real life she has this awesome laugh that is so real and so contagious it’s like listening to a rainbow machine gun that shoots out bubbles. But just the header on the file made me laugh. Then I saw this.

Exhibit B-

Sunday, May 24, 2009 at 12:24pm

(her name) So I’m up at the schoool & I get into my truck, put the key in & it won’t turn! I know it sticks so I giggle the steering wheel and try and try, call John and tell him I am having trouble…and as I am talking to him I notice a few things in the truck I don’t recognize & start asking him when did you get this & that ..he is like I don’t know what your talking about.. then I realize I AM IN THE WRONG TRUCK! LOL

WOW… just wow… but it could happen right? (did you notice she “giggled” the key?) told ya so..

EXHIBIT C – The comments seal her fate….

(HER NAME) You know those Black Suburbans all look alike and everyone in Texas drives one. Although I happened to be sitting in a Yukon at the time! lol

double wow, ok not even the same make or model vehicle? wow.

and EXHIBIT D- this aint this little ladies first Breaking and Entering rodeo.

Nobody saw me! lol Also reminds me of the time when I was little we lived in a apartment building, kind hotel style with floors and a elevator. One day I walked into my apartment sat down looked around and realized I was in the wrong apartment! I left and nobody ever knew I was there either…

I rest my case..

We now know who the breaking and Entering Fairy is… and we also know she is harmless and hilarious…

Safe Words

Posted on May 25, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy, The Peachy Tree

So there I was for the first time in my life SPEECHLESS….

See my 21 year old daughter had come home from college for a couple days, and we had to run by the banks for her. Yes I said the banks. Because apparently not only is my daughter a better person, a smarter person, a more sober person, she is also better with money, so much better that she uses 3 banks. Yes 21, putting herself thru college, and 3 banks. All with money in them? WTH? How did this happen? I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth here people, I support her success whole heartedly I mean she is the one who will pick out and probably pay for my nursing home in a few years.

I don’t know maybe she took my philosophy on how to be an adult, ” just do the opposite of your parents”. It seemed to work for me. I mean I got a kid in college, paying her own way legally and stuff and wow, she has all these bank accounts and no debt.. ( I know again with the WTH?).

If you have been reading along you have seen my praises about my daughter, and how she is so on track with the non drinking and non dating and not wanting to get distracted until she is done with college and secure with herself and blah blah blah, basically the complete opposite of everything I did. Which was advance drinking 303, right before I changed majors 3 kabillion and five times before dropping out to become a proam drinker just a mere semester prior to the degree. But alas life on the road was too much and I settled down.

So as we pulled up to the last bank she didn’t need to go in she used the ATM and it asked her enough questions to determine the color of her under garments and she was getting steamed. Then it took too long to print out the receipt. She the did the unthinkable as she jerked the harmless little piece of paper out. She cursed at the ATM.

GASP

I said in my best Mommy voice, ” Honey you know your on tape when you use those ATM’s ?”

She looked at me with a look like I had just insulted her intelligance then turned to the machine and started.

samantha my daughter spring break 09 in new orleans

boo ! EEK !

” To whoever is watching this. As much as I pay you to babysit my money, as much as I pay you in your fees, you need to know this. I cussed at your machine. I didn’t punch it, but I can. As much of my money as you suck away without providing me at the very least a human with a substandard IQ to deal with I should be able to slap your machine around, and your machine should talk dirty to me, instead of just words on a screen I should get to select the voice and accent and an option to choose the level of filth I complete my financial transaction in. In fact, I want to feel like I need a drink when I leave this ATM, I want it to be so Raunchy my ATM has a safe word. That would be customer service worth paying for.”

She then drove away as if nothing had just happened.

Ok she is totally my daughter… and I want to be her when I grow up.

this could be a new kind of financial services?

Yellow bucket

Posted on May 25, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in The Peachy Tree

Back in the fall of 09 I wrote this story for a friend of mine with a dear little boy. We had gotten into a discussion on how everything was so different when we were children, how open the world was, and how at some point we were taught that things had to be a certain way. For all those who remember the freedom of life without rules. For all those adults who are too busy with serious things. I hope you all find a yellow bucket and smile.

xo
Sandi

At one certain point in time, that no one can quite put their finger on, since no one can really put their finger on time anyway a very strange thing happened. But then when you think, strange happenings are going on every day aren’t they? Do we really know if that pilot light in the back of the oven is indeed named John, no we certainly do not know, we were not there upon his or her creation that is for sure. I say this because we all stumble thru life assuming a lot and overlooking far too much. But I digress. At this certain point in time when this strange thing happened, it seemingly went unnoticed, completely overlooked by everyone. Everyone that is except one small boy. This story could very well be just about the strange happenings, or it could be all about the little boy, or it could be about a hedgehog. The adults in the world went busily on their way overlooking all the things in the world that are so fantastic. Things such as the amazing way a worm can wiggle along with no legs and needs studying by a little boy. The way the grass feels under your feet when it’s raining and how it feels to catch a drop on your tongue. The feel of that same rain when it mixes to make mud being patted into cakes by little hands and how it feels to truly giggle from your toes up to your gut and out of your entire body. Adults are too worried with time, money, being clean and loads of other truly non important adult things. But this one very little observant boy being drug thru life as all little boys and girls are until they are trained to forget the special little things and worry about the grown up silly things so they can have what are called real problems had an eye for strange things. It wasn’t that his eyes were that special. Certainly it was never brought up, however it was quite clear his eyes were very special as they allowed him to look past all the doldrums of life and be able to love someone no matter their faults. It was more likely that it was his ability to perceive his surroundings and see “into” people that made his vision so spectacular. On the day of the incident in question, this aforementioned little boy was wondering about as little boys are prone to do. Not looking for trouble but sure to find it as little boys do. He had found his way to the garden and allocated a stick to swing about. As I recall hearing, the bucket was the culprit that started the entire incident, but from the buckets point of view it was clearly a matter of wrong time wrong place. From this point on I can only go on hear say, you see I was obviously not present for this escapade, but the rumors have flown quite wildly for sometime now and I would be remiss if I were to not inform you of the happenings. As you know there are 3 sides to every story, when possible I will share as many view points and those of any witnesses who are not afraid to speak.

As the little boy was wondering about madly swinging his stick as little boys do, a yellow bucket unfortunately came into the view of the little boy according to the sunflower who wishes to remain anonymous. The grass and weeds were just too easy of a target and the bucket had to go, as he hit the bucket the predictable “thwack” sound came out. Reports have the bucket flying as far as 4 feet but coming from the daisies that may be an exaggeration as daisies are prone to such exaggerations. As the bucket spun threw the air and landed a small yet detectable “what on earth” was heard by all in the garden…. The little boy immediately hid the stick behind his back as little boys do, and changed the expression his face from professional baseball player and master hunter to innocent child just as little boys do. He looked over the fence to see if the noisy neighbor was looking on. You see Mrs. McAllister lived next door with her 3 cats, well she claimed 3 cats but the entire neighborhood knew she had at least 6 cats, she was the type of woman you doubled everything she said. For example she would say, ” oh my I gained 10 lbs over the holidays”, that meant she gained 20. So it was obvious she had 6 cats and she smelled like it to. In general she played nice, offering candy all the time, but it was creepy candy, the sticky kind like out of her pockets and you could bet it had at least 1 piece of cat hair stuck on it somewhere. The kind of candy even a kid wont eat. You could tell she was board, and had a boring life, maybe she should swing a stick or dance in the rain, but grown ups don’t do that. Instead she had a pretty garden. The hedges thought it was probably her bucket since they were quite sure the little boy didn’t own a yellow bucket and Mrs. McAllister owned everything including some hedge clippers she often went wild with . But back to the little boy, he could not find any adult within ear shot, not Mrs. McAllister, no one, not over the fence, or across the street, or even in the windows. He then went to the bucket. He knew he had heard a voice quite clearly speak, and not being able to find anyone he dared to approach the bucket. Apparently the silly child thought maybe there was someone in the bucket. Only a child would think there could be a person in the bucket. All adults know no one is small enough to fit in a bucket. The crab grasses view on this part is the little boy gazed into the empty bucket, after inspecting and shaking it the little boy then placed his entire face into the poor yellow bucket and loudly yelled and echoing, ” HELLO” ! Apparently to the horror of the bucket, this was quite deafening, after the brutal and unwarranted beating it had just taken it could not hold its tongue or whatever a bucket has, being a grown up myself I am not sure, as I have never met a speaking bucket, yellow or any other color. The clovers get a bit iffy but their reports are all we have to go on here as the rest of the garden gets a bit mum. Apparently a conversation ensued whereas the bucket very politely yet firmly asked the little boy not to be so loud, at which point the little boy dropped the bucket out of shock. I am guessing that even a little boy with open eyes is not accustomed to talking yellow buckets. I can’t be sure but as I nor anyone I know has come across a conversational bucket this could be the cause of the dropping, and it could also be the cause of the running into the house to fetch his mom. Now don’t get confused here. The little boy was not fetching the buckets mom, but instead trying to fetch his own mom, however the attempt to fetch his mom was unsuccessful. It wasn’t that she was doing anything of great importance. Like splitting an atom, or curing cancer, she was watching TV, but apparently in the adult world that takes major precedence over a yellow talking bucket. It’s my humble opinion that she did not believe the little boy when he tried in earnest to explain to her that he had whacked the snot out of a bucket that screamed at him. Clearly she had had her vision drug out of her by the adults in her life or she could not have became an adult at some point. Because now TV was now more important. He went to find another adult but there were none he could convince that were not occupied or would believe him, he received a, ” yes that’s nice” , ” what a wonderful imagination”, “would you like some candy” and a “maybe later”.. but not even one ” what a talking yellow bucket ?????” which is the obvious correct response. Being the quick thinker he was he ran to Mrs. McAllister’s house and grabbed a cat, it was the orange one. Not because he particularly like that one, but because it was sleeping in the window and he could grab the lazy thing. The others saw him coming him and ran, and he definitely saw more than three, he knew Mrs. McAllister was a doubler. The color didn’t matter anyway he just needed a witness of the speaking yellow bucket. Upon returning to the garden with the lazy orange cat, the yellow bucket was gone. The cat looked lazily at the little boy and jumped from his arms. The little boy felt as if someone had pulled the plugs from his ankles and drained his vision from his life. Not one adult had wanted to see the strange happenings that day and hear the yellow bucket. He collapsed into the grass. He closed his eyes. It started to rain. He opened his mouth and caught a rain drop on his tongue, and the dandelion whispered, “we saw the whole thing”..

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