Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness”,( click here and see)
So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to email@example.com, PULEEZE for the love of Christ on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.
I have what some people would call an unrational fear of germs, I don’t want people touching me, and I don’t really care for public places, but with summer coming up I know I will be forced to drag my children into the cesspools of plague, eboli or possibly death. How do you suggested I don’t catch that? Also did you have anything to do with Nicolas Cage getting arrested because you were in New Orleans when that went down and I know you are a bad ass.
Dear El- Germaphobe- A healthy fear for public contact of public scum and death is totally fine. For example I would rather pluck out my own eyes than use a public restroom. Hugging? Yes it’s true, I want to do a silkwood shower if I hug a stranger that I don’t feel 100% comfy with. Public pools, just go ahead and lob my head off. But stretch marks, and car lines are NOT punishment enough we have to suffer these public things for the wee ones, so that they can be filled with teen angst and hate us and stick us in nursing homes and not write or call in our silver years. So I have a couple of suggestions 1) purchase the biggest tupperware bowl you can find and seal yourself inside. Downside is, the view isn’t that great it’s all fuzzy also you suffocate rather quickly, or 2) so just take your vitamins and wash your hands. As far my boy Nic, all I can say is don’t ever try to dare my ass in a shot for shot match, because I dropped out of college to go on the pro-am drinking circuit. He may be a Movie Star, but I’m Peachy, and I can bond my own butt out of jail. xo ThePeachy1
I have a problem keeping my big trap shut. My wife asked if she looked fat in her dress I told her the truth and now my life is a mess.
Dear Couch Sleeper, It’s hard for me to believe this story. Unless you are laying in ICU somewhere and a sympathetic orderly is holding your phone up so you can peck this out with a pencil you’re grasping between your toes either your a liar or your wife is taking the high road and slowly poisoning your dumb ass waiting for you life insurance to be increased. First rule of dumb husband club is don’t open your dumb husband mouth. Don’t get me wrong the fault doesn’t lie completely in your now closed for the season lap. Your wife needs to learn the ” Don’t ask if you don’t want the truth rule”. But you need to learn what I like to call, “Peachy hubby training 1o1″. When a woman asks if she looks fat in something it’s generally to see if you will compliment her. ALWAYS COMPLIMENT HER. However if she’s 275 and in skin tight leggins or a bikini you might want to do something clever like this. ” Hey honey you know what, you haven’t treated yourself to something new in ages lets go shopping” Yes it will cost you, but so will the hotel and the divorce. So send her off spending and if you tag along you can help pick out something you would like to see her in. If you or your budget is not up for a shopping trip, this is a good time to throw on your favorite go to song and some spontaneous “get your grove on” because nothing says, ” oh baby I love your ways” like a good old fashion love fest, INSTEAD of calling her fat. Plus your junk will thank you. XO The Peachy1
My teenage daughter recently revealed to us that she is in love with a young man who is a vampire. Needless to say we are not happy with this. I blame twilight for this. How can I stop this insanity.
Future MIL 2aBloodSucker
Dear Future MIL 2aBloodSucker- WTF? How can you blame Twilight when clearly your daughter is as mental as the boy she’s bopping. I know it’s a hard pill to swallow but it’s like blaming a video game for school shootings or music for a kid hacking or something. Blame your daughter, her age, and then blame Ann Rice. As much as I love Ann, she is the one who made Vampires hot as hell, but Twilight turned them all glittery and emo junk. But seriously,maybe it would be a great idea to take your daughter to this place called the library it’s really cool and these have these old things called books. Explain to her the difference between fiction and science fiction, then like a super fun treasure hunt let her find out which section vampires are under. It may cause a shock to her system to see words actually printed on paper, so you should have a double latte no whip frappuccino waiting to sooth her along with whatever meds I am sure she is on handy. As a backup plan sew garlic into her underwear, and have her bathe in holy water whenever he visits. I don’t know if this wards off the new sparklie vampires or not but hey it will send a super bold message. Also might I suggest you could get her interested in something else like a unicorn or something that would be much cooler, because then he could eat your grass cutting back on lawn care costs and furnish rides at birthday parties, then at least he would be of use. XO ThePeachy1
and that wraps up this weeks Non Advice. Like the magic 8 ball I have spoken and it was as usual, totally useless.
Don’t forget just 4 more days to enter my totally Peachy Birthday Blog Contest by simply leaving a comment on any blog post between now and the 22nd of April. Each day you leave a comment gets you 1 entry for one of the 3 COUNT THEM THREE Peachy Prize Packages I am giving away. ( See the top Orange nav bar for more details, additional entries, how to speak pig latin, and the probability of an alien attack in your local area in the next 48 hours).
AS always you handle the advice with wit and a tad of professionalism (well as much as the gulf coast has-lol).
I seriously luv it u rock hehe sparkley vamps r my fav
fucking kids…..this is why I refuse to have them as mine would end up screwing a unicorn and believing in vampires. Whatever happend to cutting school and smoking pot? JEEZUS.
Future MIL @abloodsucker, this is so easy I can’t believe you haven’t thought of it yet. #1, don’t invite the kid in the house. #2 hang crosses in all windows. #3, ground daughter so she’s not allowed to leave the house between sunset and sunrise. Ta da. Problem solved.
Of course, you could just stake his ass. Vampire slaying is not for the feint of heart though.
Yay for unicorns! His ‘horn’ is probably bigger than vamp-guy’s anyway.
Great advice! Twisted, but great nonetheless. Now that I know I can use you as my own personal therapist, I’m going to have to cook up some Q’s for ya…
I hope the Unicorn is mixed up with Greek Mythology so that the Unicorn will turn into a god-shape-man-like figure with all the god-like prowess for the poor girl’s sake. Just sayin’…
But I am with you: Unicorns are way cooler.
fucking ann rice. that bitch.