Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. )(now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see. So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to: firstname.lastname@example.org, PULEEZE for the love of Spice on a Kite know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.
This week is totally different because as I was writing this post last week I was having a heart attack. ( but it still rocked if I do say so myself spank you very much).
This week I am totally not going around answering your questions and stuff. Instead of 3 questions with crappy NON advice here’s stuff I want you to know so you DON’T die. Because I
like LOVE you.
1. Who always grabbed their chest saying, “This is the big one! I’m coming to see you Elizabeth!”
b. Rob Zombie
c. Fred Sanford
2. Nearly half of the women who have a documented heart attack don’t even have chest pain, and almost of all of them aren’t in a a junk yard or named Fred Sandford when it happens.
3. What things could be symptoms of a heart attack and you should go to the E.R. for?
a) pain in your jaw, lightheadeness, nausea
b) backache, headache, abnormal fatigue
c) free stuff at Target
d) a or b
4. If you go to the hospital and it turns out to NOT be a heart attack-
a) you can write a post about how lucky you are
b) you can blame me for it
c) you can steal bandaids and medical tape
d) take your ipad/or a good book and think of it as your ” alone time” which you totally deserve
e) all of the above
5. Please don’t jerk around and drag your feet I was-
a) super stupid
b) a huge jackass
c) beyond lucky
d) an epic asshat
e) all of the above
Now here are are some random facts because I love you and DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE !
+43% of women who have heart attacks never even have chest pain when they have a heart attack.
I had pressure, like an elephant sitting on my chest but no chest pain. I had a pain in my back, like I had slept wrong..
I was shaky, and lightheaded, but only like I needed to eat, but I couldn’t because I was nauseas.
Pain in your jaw is common, like a toothache but it radiates. Mine ran along the jawline up towards my ear, I actually for a moment though maybe an inner ear infection but then connected the dots.
I had a hot flash, I couldn’t stop sweating, but I got cold immediately afterwards.
If it was your husband or child doing this, you would be calling 911, and you freaking know it. So stop being freaking hard headed because seriously. Think about it.
Walk over to your family photo and take yourself out of. NOW. Do you want your spouse to attempt to raise those kids without you? Those kids to handle all this world has to throw at then without you? ( never again a matching sock? eating ravioli cold out of a can on the floor in front of the TV watching robot chicken at midnight on a school night?)
NO? well then take your butt in. Now well I have my ass up on a soap box, schedule your damn mammogram, and yearly physical, just get a spring cleaning check up and bloodwork and I will shut up ok? I am a freaking humor blogger and you guys are making me try to do a freaking PSA over here.
Ok that’s it.
Now go add these heart friendly songs to your Ipod/MP3 player or whatever music device you play and think of me, think of me fondly, whenever they play.
Stop Dragging my Heart Around- By Stevie Nicks
Heart of Glass – Blondie http://youtu.be/WGU_4-5RaxU
Heartbreaker -Pat Benatar http://youtu.be/h7wpeMmzres
Heartbeat – Enrique Iglesias http://youtu.be/dYnZgV7Kz-M
Heartbreaker- Will-i-am http://youtu.be/zUJqYx4Z9js