Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. )(now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see. So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to: beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of Spice on a Kite know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.
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This week is totally different because as I was writing this post last week I was having a heart attack. ( but it still rocked if I do say so myself spank you very much).
This week I am totally not going around answering your questions and stuff. Instead of 3 questions with crappy NON advice here’s stuff I want you to know so you DON’T die. Because I like LOVE you.
1. Who always grabbed their chest saying, “This is the big one! I’m coming to see you Elizabeth!”
a-Prince Charles
b. Rob Zombie
c. Fred Sanford
no junkyards were harmed in the making of this heart attack
2. Nearly half of the women who have a documented heart attack don’t even have chest pain, and almost of all of them aren’t in a a junk yard or named Fred Sandford when it happens.
a) True
b) False
3. What things could be symptoms of a heart attack and you should go to the E.R. for?
a) pain in your jaw, lightheadeness, nausea
b) backache, headache, abnormal fatigue
c) free stuff at Target
d) a or b
4. If you go to the hospital and it turns out to NOT be a heart attack-
a) you can write a post about how lucky you are
b) you can blame me for it
c) you can steal bandaids and medical tape
d) take your ipad/or a good book and think of it as your ” alone time” which you totally deserve
e) all of the above
5. Please don’t jerk around and drag your feet I was-
a) super stupid
b) a huge jackass
c) beyond lucky
d) an epic asshat
e) all of the above
Now here are are some random facts because I love you and DON’T WANT YOU TO DIE !
+43% of women who have heart attacks never even have chest pain when they have a heart attack.
I had pressure, like an elephant sitting on my chest but no chest pain. I had a pain in my back, like I had slept wrong..
I was shaky, and lightheaded, but only like I needed to eat, but I couldn’t because I was nauseas.
Pain in your jaw is common, like a toothache but it radiates. Mine ran along the jawline up towards my ear, I actually for a moment though maybe an inner ear infection but then connected the dots.
I had a hot flash, I couldn’t stop sweating, but I got cold immediately afterwards.
If it was your husband or child doing this, you would be calling 911, and you freaking know it. So stop being freaking hard headed because seriously. Think about it.
Walk over to your family photo and take yourself out of. NOW. Do you want your spouse to attempt to raise those kids without you? Those kids to handle all this world has to throw at then without you? ( never again a matching sock? eating ravioli cold out of a can on the floor in front of the TV watching robot chicken at midnight on a school night?)
NO? well then take your butt in. Now well I have my ass up on a soap box, schedule your damn mammogram, and yearly physical, just get a spring cleaning check up and bloodwork and I will shut up ok? I am a freaking humor blogger and you guys are making me try to do a freaking PSA over here.
Ok that’s it.
Now go add these heart friendly songs to your Ipod/MP3 player or whatever music device you play and think of me, think of me fondly, whenever they play.
Stop Dragging my Heart Around- By Stevie Nicks
Heart of Glass – Blondie http://youtu.be/WGU_4-5RaxU
Heartbreaker -Pat Benatar http://youtu.be/h7wpeMmzres
Heartbeat – Enrique Iglesias http://youtu.be/dYnZgV7Kz-M
Heartbreaker- Will-i-am http://youtu.be/zUJqYx4Z9js
and Then http://youtu.be/c2Fnet0y9Ts and http://youtu.be/vbUR0SRceD0 which have nothing to do with hearts but they rock and I love them. So it’s like your little bonus.
This just shows the crowds that a little thing like a Heart Attack can’t take down the peach.
And thank you for sharing a bit of knowledge with the peanut gallery. My dad in law died of heart failure in 2008. He went from playing with his grandkids on Easter weekend, to a hospital bed for 2 weeks, to a slow death. It tore the family apart.
I’m 30, and I monitor my cholesterol levels like a mofo. I work out, eat right, diet, but I know that doesn’t make me immune. This is something people need to be aware of, and to stay vigilant. Noone is immune to this.
Glad to see you’re back on the blog. And sorry your droid’s post was so damn good. Maybe he should ghostwrite for you more often?
See Brandon it’s saying nice things like that about the Droid that will make me stop loving potatoes. why you want to punch a girl in her already bruised groin? geesh, there is nothing harder to live with that a geek with an inflated ego.
STOP LOVING POTATOES!! Crazy talk!! 🙂
It’s A Heartache by Bonnie Tyler!
My grandfather had a heart attack when I was in college; he was supposed to have surgery to repair a hiatal hernia and my grandmother went with him to have his pre-op check up. My grandmother mentioned to the doctor that Papaw had been having this weird pressure in his chest. It never hurt, his chest would feel strange and cold when he would bend over to put on his shoes. The dr asked how long it had been since he had a stress test…it had been a few years, so the dr suggested a stress test before he would do the hernia surgery. They did the stress test the next day and then almost immediately shipped him to have a cardiac cath at a larger hospital. They found several blocked arteries in his heart and wound up with a triple bypass. They said if they had not caught this as early as they did, he most likely would have died. He was in his 60’s when this happened. Then my dad had a heart attack in his 40’s. I’m a daddy’s girl and Papaw’s girl…they are my first true loves, so I don’t know what I would do if anything happened to either of them.
I’m so glad that you are doing well, and back at your blog!! Thank you for posting this information…women don’t realize that heart disease is one of the major killers for us. We must be vigilant with knowing what is going on with our bodies: blood pressure, cholesterol levels, etc.
LONG LIVE THE PEACH! We <3 you!!
Well said Peachy. However I simply must add a couple of things..
1. Matching socks are overrated.
2. We NEVER eat Ravioli…Beefaroni perhaps but not that nasty Ravioli…
3. Dont EVER try to hide something from us when you dont feel good…..again…. It confuses us, we dont know whether to be worried about you, or just mad at you…
Love ya!
Hehe, sorry for the groin punching. But I know you’re one tough cookie. I wouldn’t give you a good poke like that if I knew you couldn’t take it.
I come for the peach, I stay for the peach. Sorry droidy. 😀
For some reason, I’m feeling especially smart-assy today. However, I’m actually wondering now if I’ve had a heart attack and just didn’t know it. Even knowing all the symptoms now, I still don’t think I’d recognize it if I had a heart attack. Between the acid reflux and the cartilage in my rib cage getting inflamed, I’d write off chest pain. Back pain = Winston hogging the bed and forcing me into some weird contortionist position. Jaw pain? I grit my teeth in my sleep. Plus, my doctor says I’m disgustingly healthy, which I think gives me a very UNhealthy false sense of security. Maybe this year I’ll ask her to do a full physical… as long as there’s no bloodletting involved. You know how I feel about needles.
Very well written Peachy and thanks for putting the word out there about how heart attacks are very different for women than they are for men.
Your PSAs are wayyyyyyy better than NBC’s “The More you Know.” I also want to let you know that we were all being NICE to Droid so that he would let you back on the interwebs and continue to be your tech support because we can’t live without Peachy (it was for YOU, babe…all for YOU!). Because behind every HILARIOUS southern PEACH who makes people fart when they laugh – there is a dude who knows computers and techie stuff so that the hilarious southern Peach can continue to reach out on the internet and entertain all of her cyberfriends!!! XOXO
P.S. I’m with Rachel – I’ve had tons of “symptoms” and never thought much about it – and it’s always gas or teeth grinding or something inocuous! I guess I’m just gassy and gritty. LOL
Whassup? I wrote a rap for you:
Headin’ down the road with my homie the Peach.
We was gonna do our thang on the mutherfuckin beach.
When Peachy reached up and clutched at her breast,
Said, “There’s a mutherfuckin elephant on my mutherfuckin chest.”
So I drove her to the ER like a good homie do,
To make sure she didn’t have the mutherfuckin flu.
I drove really fast to avoid the damn law,
When Peachy started having a pain in her jaw.
The doc at the ER said, “Bitch, this ain’t no flu!
We gotta fix your heart up like mutherfuckin new.”
So they fixed her up right, my sweet li’l Peach.
And so she decided that now she’s gotta preach.
She wants all her friends to live another day,
So she wrote a kick-ass, mutherfuckin PSA!
I would so bow to your greatness but I am sure I would faceplant. so instead I will light candles and do the chair dance ( which would resemble the lapdance if it were done by a really drunk IHOP waitress, YOU ROCK ! Bestest RAP EVAR!
No bowing allowed! By you, anyway…though I wouldn’t mind if you made the Droid bow…that would kinda rock! Especially if he dresses like a drunk IHOP waitress!!!
I am soooo confused…
just put on the IHOP waitress outfit and dance until we tell you to stop.
And be sure you have a giant nametag that says, “Ethel.”
My left arm falls asleep a lot. That tingly feeling…