It’s been perfectly clear to the entire planet earth for approximately 21 years that I will NEVER get mother of the year. I love my kids. Each of them. Each of their very different personalities, attitudes, and mindsets. I parent them all hard but with humor. I expect from each of them the best. Not my best. Their best.
I lay down this foundation because I need you to understand that I am the mom that will take everything out of your room but your mattress and make you earn everything back because as a child you own nothing, you “deserve” nothing, you “earn” it. When you break my trust, or my rules, you pay. On the same token I am the mom who will crank up the stereo and jam. I am the mom who will dump paint on the floor and walk in it with you. I am the mom who will have a squirt gun fight with you. I am the mom who plays rock band and does indeed cut a fart to “out fart you and your best friend in a fart contest”. Because well, it’s funny.
A lot of families don’t eat together or talk or whatever. We live in a rural area. This means when we get in the car there will be a good drive time in any direction for any destination. So for all of my children’s lives we have played made up car games. All 3 of my children knew what happened in 1066 by the time they were 4. That was my go to stumper in car trivia. They all know the distance to sun to the earth, the speed of light in a vacuum, the square root of pi andt that a platypus is an egg laying mammal.
Depending on their ages and their interest they would create their own games. When Sam I am was around 9 she got seriously hooked on mythology not just Greek, but Egyptian, Viking, and Roman, it was very difficult to stay ahead of her on that curve. Then at 14 she was heavy into politics and law, luckily I was really up on Tort reform. At 16 she turned to science and I let the Droid fill in, but the prince was around 4 then and so he started picking up things and he liked it, so at 4 he could name th 5 levels of living things, and the water cycle. He was 5 when he invented the math game. Where we would replace numbers with letters and do math problems.
One all time family favorite no matter the age range is the animals groups names. Such as – a group of frogs?- army. a group of owls?- parliment. – a group of dolphins?- pod. a group of crows? – a murder. and so on.
So as you can tell my family is just one big pool of useless information, but they started soaking their brains in it early they all started playing it while their car seats still faced backwards. They all still play today, and every kid who has ever ridden in my vehicle with my family has played and stares at my family like we are speaking in pig latin. I guess we have just done it for so long I thought everyone did it.
About 3 weeks ago The Prince invented a new game, he names how many legs the animal has, then he gives 1 hint, like. ” domesticated” or “wild” you get 2 guesses, then another hint, such as ” land” or “sea”, and so on. the more hints you get the lower your end score. I have to say it’s one of the most miserable forms of car games on the planet. I hate it, I think he changes the animal.
For the car trip this weekend the Prince and I were stationed in the backseat of the tiny car of doom piloted by Sam I am, with her BFF R in the CoPilots seat. We were barely 10 minutes into the 4 hour drive when The Prince started his road Trivia.
3 hours into the drive we all wanted to just climb out of the windows. Deep in the middle of no where Alabama. Even our Smart phones had lost IQ points, they were now just dixie cups with string. The Prince had not wavered.
He had invented a new game. He had modified it since R is at 21 an only child and believe it or not had never taken a car trip with a child. This ” new and improved” game would be easy ! We would make an animal sound.
Sam I am: Caw Caw … Caw Caw !
Prince: Yes R your turn !
R: Hee Haw Hee Haw
Prince: Donkey !
R: Yep !
Prince: OK it’s my turn! ready?
me, Sam I am, and R: yep go
Prince: ( he grabs his cheeks and starts making this juicy smacking sound by pulling them in and out continuously, the car falls dead silent)
His sister looks at me in the rear view mirror.
R turns around and looks at me over her sunglasses with a wth? look.
I look at him with a wide eyed, are you freaking kidding me look.
he keeps making the juicy smacking noise with his mouth. he smiles and missing a smack.
I can feel it boiling up I am trying not to bust out laughing but if he does not immediately stop I am going to lose it. I can tell and at that exact moment he
Prince: SMACK SMACK SMACK- ( uses his hands to act like he is spanking something) and goes back to the juicy sounding cheek pull)
I lose my crackers and fall out laughing, snotting tears rolling laughing. R busts out laughing, Sam I am is staring at me in the mirror and trying not to wreck.
Sam I am: What the hell is he?
ME: The soundtrack to every porn movie from the 80’s?
The entire care except the Prince: Snot and laughter.
The Prince: Ok last clue- ” I eat Wood”.
we had to pull the car over. he thought he just made a really funny beaver impression. I have to agree. Also Best Car Trivia Game EVER !
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That is fucking hilarious. I would have crashed the car from laughing.
Oh lordy, I am going to pee myself laughing.
I love that kid.
Can I just say…I almost peed myself on this car trip :). Thank you for a good smile for the day!
I am seriously dying right now!!! That is so fucking funny! Ohhh, kids!! And now you get the “Most Bitchin-est AND Hilarious Mom of EVER AFTER ALL!” award! That shit right there is classic.
I’m laughing so hard I peed- that is for sure!
But… What the hell? Do beavers make a sound even close to that? (I honesty have no idea!). No matter really. That is the best child ever! – please don’t tell my kids I said that.)
I have no idea, I guess the juicey chomping lip action noise thing was them chewing? who knows it’s not what I got from it. Then the spanking, he later informed us was that beavers spank their tails on the water to attract other beavers or warn other animals it’s their space. See it all makes perfectly good beaver sense when you have the info and your not a mom delirious in the back seat of car of doom trapped with a kid making bow chicka wow wow noises.
For your kids you will definitely be mother of the year; you’re a great mom of brainy kids and u seem to have a lot of fun with them.;)