Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. )(now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see.
I am newly engaged and this will be my first time meeting his family as we are headed out to a 5 day stay in his parents house and all 4 of his sisters will be there along with 2 brother in laws and 8 nieces and nephews. Do I really need to tell you how stressed out I am ? I was an only child and our house was quite. I don’t even go to crowded restaurants, and wont see a movie until it’s out on DVD. He is of course giddy about the entire thing, and tells me I will be fine. HELP !
Breathing in a Paper Bag
Dear Breathing in a Paper Bag – yeah you’re screwed. 4 sisters? tons of kid? oh yeah that’s gonna suck. Wait sorry you wanted help? Ok you got 2 ways to go on this. You must break something like your leg, that way if he still makes you go you can stay in your room with it “elevated” in a fresh cast the entire time zoned out on pain pills. In fact the other option you could go with is break both legs. Really. You are simply screwed. Good luck and Merry Christmas xo ThePeachy1
My mom who has never been around has decided she all of the sudden has time to see us over the holidays. She is rude, loud, offensive and flighty. Her and I have never been under the same roof since I was 18. I know this sounds harsh but I don’t like her at all. My husband is kind and thinks maybe she has changed. I can tell she hasn’t just by the phone calls. My in laws always come stay with us for the Holidays and they are lovely. My kids are 7 and 4 and have never even met my mother. Now she is going to be with all of us for 3 days, insisting that she doesn’t want to stay in a Hotel even if we pay for it because she wants to be around us and hates hotels. This just isn’t going to end well. I don’t want my kids Christmas ruined or my in laws insulted.
Dear Bad Daughter, well you could follow my suggestion for the person above but that wont really help, because this would leave your mom to run unchecked disturbing your children and in laws. Since the wench wont check into a hotel I have 2 suggestions. 1- Take your family and inlaws to Disney and stay there, leave her a note saying the key is in the planter, sorry family emergency, let yourself in. Or, you could break both of her legs and get her some horse tranqs. Your call. Good luck and Merry Christmas xoxo ThePeachy1
Oh sweet Peaches
I am so ashamed. I have went where I swore I would never go. I have canvased these retail stores and massive department stores in the hopes of finding that “special toy” for my 2 nieces. I have been pushed, cut off, and gotten the stink eye more than once and come up empty handed. I know a store will have another shipment in on Wednesday but so do all the WMA wrestler mom and grandmas I have been subject to dealing with on this 2 week hell hunt. My nieces are my heart an I like a naive idiot assured them their FAVORITE Aunt would be sealing the deal on this. It sold out on line, and the ONLY store within 150 miles of here that will indeed get a small shipment in before Christmas is on the checklist of all these insane people. Give me the inside scoop on how to successfully obtain these gifts.
Dear Insane Auntie- aren’t you awesome ! Every kid should have an Aunt like you ready to go into the 7th ring of hell to make them happy. Since I have a firm understanding of the situation. Here’s what you need to do. 1- Create a webpage letting people know that this particular toy will be available on line at whenshoppersattack.info and oddly enough at Bobs Auto Salvage and The local soup kitchen at exactly the same time that delivery truck will be there. Print out flyers with this info. Stick it on the windshields of every car in the parking lot all day today and throughout the night. Buy 10 Godiva chocolate liquor bottle candies. Put on the push up bra and sexy low cut shirt, but cover it with a turtle neck sweater. Put on makeup but not lipstick and put your hair up in a bun. Then go to the store, go to receiving and strike up a conversation with the people working, like, ” OMG you guys are really the unsung heroes, keeping these shelves stocked and making it all run.” Ask if ” Jeanie” is still here and if she is still the manager. They will try to think about it and say something like no our shipping and receiving manager is Sue or Bob. If it’s Sue stay just like you are, if it’s Bob run into the bathroom take off your turtle neck, let down your hair, put on hooker red lipstick and go out and request him. Either way make sure you are dressed appropriately for the gender of the person you are expecting. When they come up, act like you know them, and tell them thank you for all their hard work and that you wanted to show your appreciation with the Godiva liquor chocolates. Then say even though I couldn’t find what I was looking for this year I know you have worked so hard. You may need to lick your lips, ( make sure you reassess Sue, you may need to lick your lips for her too). Either way work your moves and see if you can get them to set aside 2 of the coveted gifts for you. If they stone wall you and you just can’t win them over and get a deal on it. Then your going to need to camp out at the S/R department as you follow them to the shelves wearing something like this.
You should probably use the restroom before getting in this thing. Just saying. Good luck and Merry Christmas xoxox ThePeachy1
That’s it for this week my friends. Take care and feel free to send in any questions you might need non advice for. The general rule is 3 a week every Tuesday. BEINGPEACHY@GMAIL.COM
Great advice. I think you could have rolled them all into one…
Send “Paper Bag” and “Insane Auntie”‘s nephews to Disney with “Bad Daugher” and her faimly. Group rates may even apply.
Great funny advice as always.
Meeting the beaus family. UGH… I would rather pound nails into my forehead while standing on flaming broken glass!
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