Mornoic Monday- no one glitters and sparkly shines like me when it comes to being a moron. So every Monday I try to bring you a story from my past to show you I am indeed an epic asshatt and that your day if graded on a curve is really not going to be that bad. I do give you full permission to punch Monday in the throat, or kick it in the junk, there is no justification for Monday to be such a jerk. So here we go.
Who could forget the original and moving musical genius of, ” Pants on the Ground Pants on the Ground, looking like a fool with your pants on the ground.” We all know the song from the adorable yet ineligible constant from the American Idol try outs last year. (if you don’t go here)
Ok everybody got it so far? Good if not just sit quietly until the comments section and then leave something witty even if it doesn’t pertain.
If you have been a faithful reader you will totally remember the GREAT M&M Pretzel attack of 2010 under the title of ” Toofless Saturday”. Where I was viciously and maliciously dentally attacked by a freaking M & M with a pretzel in it.
So that toof was in the front and the Dr’s gave me 2 options, 1 for around $150 and one for around $2500. Needless to say I picked the cheap one
because I am so freaking tight the salvation army dude covers his bucket when I walk by and now have this awesome dental glueish stuff to make me look and sound like an ass have the ability to glue that toof to the surrounding teeth and the post/base which did not break because it was already a very freaking expensive dental toofy type thing.
I have this rule that
unless I think you will turn me into a human suit if you are coming to town I offer you a room in my house ( sans pillows, but extra filth). In turn I have had the honor to meet and spend time with a bunch of bloggers and internet friends and they have gotten to see what someone looks like just moments before hoarders kicks in my door.
Last weekend M showed up with her 2 kids to meet us and crash in my
filth pit house for a night. I think around 2 hours into me running my freaking mouth non stop a brief conversation. It happened. The prize expensive jacked up glued in expensive as hell fake tooth dental prosthetic flew out of my mouth like I was in a chicklet spitting contest in Tijuana.
M nor her kids had ever met me. So you can imagine the surprise and subconscious automated look of utter horror on her face. She had never seen toofless saturday post and was dare I say a bit verklempt.
Immediately jumping into her next oscar nominated role she did what any 1/16th sane chick who drank 1/2 a bottle of cheap wine and 3 shots of ubber cheap vodka served with fun dip. She called her 7 year old daughter to come crawl around the kitchen floor looking for her newly introduced hosts tooth on the
filthy lovely white tile.
I began putting to music ( ie: pants on the ground ) the new song, ” toof on da ground”. It goes something like, ” toof on da ground, toof on da ground, looking like a hick wif your toof on da ground”. Lovely right? I know.
I am not happy about this toof incident but this is where we just twist the knife a little further, pour rubbing alcohol in the open wound and my narcissistic tendancies over the edge.
Yesterday the tooth next to the M&M incident tooth left me. Like a rat off a sinking ship it just jumped out of my mouth by snapping off at the base during me eating jello ( not really but that would be hilarious) a salami sandwich.
I immediately emailed 2 of my friends who were least likely to openly judge me.
The responses were that of typed laughter at me hidden within some ” oh dude we love you anyway type sentences. But I could tell, I could tell they were picturing my people of wal mart photo op outfit.
Nee Nur- I already have mine picked out, gold lamay short shorts, over ripped up fishnets, a corduroy tank tape in camo with metal funnel strainers as bra cups, combined with platform shoes that have dead goldfish floating in them from the 70’s. If I have time I am going to see about getting an 80’s poodle perm, but not on the bangs because obviously they need to be standing up via blow dryer and hairspray and feathered.
Stop hating I know you are all like… ” damn if I could just loose a couple of teeth I could be as cool as peachy.”
Also this is what I sound like now.
yeah I am that hot. Hi I am The Peachy 1 and I am an epic asshat amd a moronic fool.
So unless your teeth are randomly flying out of your head like after you choke on a tic tac with the solution of glue or selling a kidney… Your Mondayth might be betther than my Mondayth .
** Disclaimer- 2 teeth, and my pride were injured during the making of this post. I will probably never leave my house again ..except to go to the dentist and help him put his children through college.***