Being Peachy
  • Home
  • About
    • Hurricane Kit
  • Advertising and PR
  • Awards and Badges

Categories

  • FaceBook Fun
  • Funny Stuff Friday
  • It's Juicy
  • Latest
  • Moronic Mondays
  • Peachy Advice
  • The Peachy Tree

Background Check Me!

Blogroll

  • JENNY
  • Purse and Boots
  • RECKMONSTER
  • SUBWOW

Pushed out of Love

Posted on August 16, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays, The Peachy Tree - 14 Comments

Kicking off  the battle on the work weeks butt with another Moronic Monday.  Where I reach into my past or present to share with you what a huge moron I am in the hopes that you will feel a little better about your day.

So back in the day I was dating this guy I really liked, because I usually don’t date guys I don’t like so why would I even mention this.  Anyway we will call him  Mr. Blue, since he’s an ex boyfriend and I just don’t want to mention how he wined and dined me and took me on constant vacations and bought me jewelry in case he doesn’t treat the chick he is dating as good as he treated me.  Thus making her feel like shit and question his love for her and make her go running to her shrink questioning her self worth.  See I am nice and considerate  like that.

So Mr. Blue loved to take me on all these mini vacations and adventures.  On one particular mini break we went to somewhere in the Florida Pan Handle the town is not important but I think it was Panama City Beach if not that will work as this is my story and I can pretty much make up things if I can’t remember.  After an exciting and fun weekend we were driving back and he saw this huge park type thing and they had mini race cars and putt putt golf and amusement park rides and he said OMG, we are totally going there, and I was like OMG yeah we totally are cause that would rock !  Thinking I can so kick your ass on the mini race cars and putt putt.  Not that I am competitive or anything like that.  I would never ever create an entire webpage dedicated to beating my brother in law in mini race car driving and leave it up for 10 years.  See exhibit A.  ( this is not Mr. Blue this is my ex brother in law who was a big race fan who thought he could smoke me)

The Peachy1 in a mini race car smoking the competition

Yes that's me in a mini race car smokin the competition

We park and he says the words that will forever seal my fate.  ” Are you sure you’re up for this and wont chicken out?”   Screw you homepickle this aint your average bear you’re dealing with booboo, I will stomp you like a French grape. I am invincible. I invented no pain no gain, and just do it.  Let’s get this party started.

However in my heightened  state of competitive estrogen rage I had somehow overlooked one very important  activity at this place of death doom and demise fun park. This would later lead to my undoing and a life long psyche scaring that no therapist could ever touch.

a construction crane

wow I wonder what they are building, OH look skee ball !!

Apparently my subconscious had assumed they were doing construction.  Then I was distracted by flashing neon lights and the glorious sound of skee ball.

We got in a line to get tokens to play skee ball and race go carts. Or so I thought.

Clearly my brain at some point spends a glorious amount of time in denial so I can make it through this life.  I could not figure out why I had to step on a scale but I was at dating weight so yeah no biggie.  Must be for the race cars or something.

Then snap snap flash flash, a photo. This is kind of what the picture they took of me looked like.

hypnotoad animated gif from http://neurocritic.blogspot.com/

hypnotoad animated gif from http://neurocritic.blogspot.com/

Which I believe was used to hypnotize me, because after that it was blurry as I signed some form that said my family wouldn’t hold them liable for my death or being turned into a broken pile of shattered bone jello if something went wrong. So I am thinking only a dufus would wreck a mini race car duh, give me my helmet and let the victory lap begin.

Then they put me in one of these.

zero gravity harness

I started thinking, wow these must be some fast go carts

I don’t give a crap who you are. This is NOT sexy no matter what you had on.  Mr Blue was all excited and I was thinking this is a bit extreme for skee ball and go carts yo, but I am so going to kick your butt.

Then we walked out hand in hand and he walked away from the race track and towards the construction site.   I had an epiphany as the affects of the hypno toad was starting to wear off.  The moment I realized it I halted in my tracks so hard our holding hands jerked him around to face me.  He said something like, ” you are so hot, this is going to be the biggest turn on ever”.  To which I of course just nodded and drooled while my intestines began to tie themselves in knots while my brain spun like a hamster on crack to process I had just signed up for death on a yo yo.

Yes that’s right. In my competitive adrenaline rush I had went through every step needed for a sane person to virtually say, wow, this life was fun, why don’t I risk throwing it all away by flinging myself off what is touted ” the highest bungee jump in the south”.  FREAKING AWESOME. I was still young and invincible and full of that stuff called stupid pride.

I had no fear of heights or rides or anything else, I was the competitive wench fighting for the honor of all womankind.  This was just another one of those conquests and at the end of the day I would carve another notch in my headboard right?

So I started climbing the vertical crane of death and doom.  I watched the families having fun on the things I wanted to do and every step made them smaller and smaller. My heart began beating out of my chest.

When we arrived at the top my knuckles were white and I experienced something new, an entire new level of, “HOLY SHIT I AM GOING TO DIE”, type panic set in as I could feel the crane beneath me sway in the wind.

Mr Blue gave me a kiss and said something totally stupid like ” let’s do this babe”.  I can’t remember exactly because I was wondering if we were in any commercial airspace and would get struck by a plane since we were up in the clouds.

They snapped what equates to a large rubber band to his non sexy crotch harness and he waved and jumped.  The jerk on the crane when he reached the end of that bungee was so strong I sat down.  On the floor of the crane and started to hyperventilate a little.  When I say a little I mean this was the start of what would become the largest recorded panic attack since humans created written language.

Somewhere in the fog that was now my brain trying to process how to get down. I heard the dickheads young men working this ” attraction” talking to me and each other.  Something like, “ok your next” or “mama, it’s going to be hard to jump while clutching the metal grates on the floor with your fingers toes and teeth”.  I crawled like a dog on all fours and turned around. I looked at the ladder to get back down and almost passed out.

The dickheads you men then tried to hold my hands and pull help me up against my will. Total assholes nice young men.

I was shaking so bad if you would have handed me cream I would created butter in less than 5 seconds.  I had to form a complete sentence I had to think I had to save myself.

“Heliocopoter?”  ok so that wasn’t a sentence but I was able to form a word, that was a start, apparently the dickheads young men had seen this level of terror before because they scoffed at me knew this was a reasonable yet impossible request.

I felt like Nell.  Twee inda wend. Twee inda wend. Tears were running down my face and I looked like this.

leave brittany alone crying dude

LEAVE PEACHY ALONE !!!

They began pulling me to what were now marshmallows on the end of  cooked spaghetti, aka formerly my feet and legs. I forced out ” FIRETRUCK!!!,  please call the FIRETRUCK !! I WILL PAY FOR THIS AND THE FIRETRUCK PUUUUUUUULEEEEZE  CALL THE FIRETRUCK ! ”

Then I heard Mr Blue from the ground yell, ” if you love me you will jump”.  Let’s use this as a learning moment folks.  Really?  Dude, at this moment you are  talking love?  Screw you Dingus Khan. If you love me you will call in the frigging navy seals to rescue me.  Kiss my…………

the men pushed me like a broke down pinto

I was pushed, like a broken down pinto into the abyss

I am not going to pretend I don’t have a horrible potty mouth.   But as semi polite responsible human I go to great lengths not to do it in public. Especially the kind of public that there are families having great bonding moments and do not need to explain to their small children exactly what  the screaming ladies means by ” you mom farting rooster smackers” means. ( yeah those weren’t the words, you will have to guess, unless bablefish has a scream of death to English translator and then you could just type it in and find out.  But it happened. I think I had just enough time to scream every single word Carlin ever used and then made up new ones.

When it was finally over  I was not happy and still shaking. So full of fear and pissed off I didn’t even notice that I looked  a little like Fergie at a concert

I pissed my pants like Fergie only it looks like I had more fluids than her that day

Only I drank 5x's as much water as her that day.

Farewell Mr Blue.  Because obviously I didn’t love you enough to voluntarily pee my pants in public after being  bungee pushed..

In fact you are so lucky I didn’t look like this.

pooping pants during a bungee jump

especially since we were in your car. .

Here’s the spin folks if you don’t  scream a string of instructional obscenities in front of roughly 200 men woman and especially children.  Or piss yourself and have to change in front of your boyfriend that you now hate.  Or crap your pants in a public fashion where there will end up being a photo of it spattered all over the internet. Then your Monday may be a little less “craptastic” than it could be.

***DISCLAIMER*** Boat loads of pride were injured during the making of this post,  with roughly 50 children’s innocence,  and a pair of underwear and shorts I threw away in the parks trash because I had peed in them , and a relationship with Mr Blue was terminally severed.**

xo

PEACH OUT

  • delicious Bookmark on Delicious
  • digg Digg this post
  • facebook Recommend on Facebook
  • reddit share via Reddit
  • stumble Share with Stumblers
  • twitter Tweet about it
  • rss Subscribe to the comments on this post

being peachy, breakups, bungee pushing, craping yourself, fear of heights, love, moronic monday, peeing pants, relationships, stupid things, thepeachy1

14 comments on “Pushed out of Love”

  1. Tawnya says:
    August 16, 2010 at 3:14 am

    OMG, I am scared of heights. I would have been pissed off too… Sheesh, what an ass.

  2. rwwells says:
    August 16, 2010 at 8:30 am

    I used to have a punch card for bungy jumping at a place in Vegas. The way they went about erasing evidence of fear was have a swimming pool 175 feet below, which acted as a xtra large bathtub for washing off the ‘fear’.

    Oh…don’t have that punch card any longer though, due to the place shutting down because of a teensy little accident (seems someone died!) Hmmmm…

  3. MidWesternMamaH says:
    August 16, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Yeah, that right there would have been a stabbing. Mr Dingus Khan ( LMAO @ that name) would have been history.

    There is no way in furry hell I could have even made it that far. Im a wussy like that where heights are concerned.

  4. Brad says:
    August 16, 2010 at 11:41 am

    I am Mr. Blue.

  5. ThePeachy1 says:
    August 16, 2010 at 11:47 am

    balls

  6. Tweets that mention Pushed out of Love | Being Peachy -- Topsy.com says:
    August 16, 2010 at 8:48 pm

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Holly and ThePeachy1, ThePeachy1. ThePeachy1 said: Moronic Mondays- new post- why is everybody always pushing on me http://bit.ly/a5Re2U […]

  7. SecretKept says:
    August 16, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    OMG! I’m glad you lived through this horrendous event to be able to post it for all. You are wayyyy braver than I

  8. ThePeachy1 says:
    August 16, 2010 at 10:28 pm

    there was no brave, I did not bungee jump, I bungee pushed and then wet my pants like a kindergartener. Also this was the start of my ptsd or something now I need a paper bag to drive over a bridge, watch someone climb a ladder or even see picture of someone up high, yeah thanks Mr. Blue for making me mortal.

  9. Kelley says:
    August 17, 2010 at 12:33 am

    I love all the sidenotes you add…like about Nell! Ha! Girl, I felt like I was holding my breath while reading that mess! Speaking of mess…that poor guy. That’s bad stuff. I loved this post! Also, on another note, so glad you posted a definition to “ifingl” on my “Captcha Balderdash” game. Hahahaha!! That was tough one, girlfriend! You still managed to create something funny out of it!

  10. asradee says:
    August 17, 2010 at 9:14 am

    thats just nuts, no way jose, even if he brought his brother cuervo

  11. ThePeachy1 says:
    August 17, 2010 at 9:29 am

    yes Asradee it will NEVER happen again I can promise you that

  12. The Past week in Peachyland | Being Peachy says:
    August 21, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    […] On Moronic Monday I have the graphic description of the event that lead to my ever present and often crippling fear of heights from my  Air Supply- Pushed out of Love moment. […]

  13. Tiffany says:
    September 2, 2010 at 1:58 am

    I think I peed just reading this OMG do you make this up? Keep up the great work.

  14. light tower says:
    September 6, 2010 at 5:58 am

    LOL. your honesty instead of acting brave is s the best.I like the post very much. I did this once and the people that think it’s fun are insane.

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Recent Posts

  • AAHHH-CHEW – Being Peachy
  • AAHHH-CHEW
  • silence or a sound?
  • Cure for leg cramps, or how I spent my Friday night
  • Remembering the Remarkable

Ways 2 Stalk me.

The Peachy 1

Promote Your Page Too

Tweet Me Up Scotty

Other Places 2 find me


Create Your Badge

Sit Down Comedians

'

ThePits

ThePits

S30P

The Blog Farm

The Pop Art Minis Daily

(c) 2018 Being Peachy -
  • follow:follow:
  • RSS RSS