Kicking off the battle on the work weeks butt with another Moronic Monday. Where I reach into my past or present to share with you what a huge moron I am in the hopes that you will feel a little better about your day.
So back in the day I was dating this guy I really liked, because I usually don’t date guys I don’t like so why would I even mention this. Anyway we will call him Mr. Blue, since he’s an ex boyfriend and I just don’t want to mention how he wined and dined me and took me on constant vacations and bought me jewelry in case he doesn’t treat the chick he is dating as good as he treated me. Thus making her feel like shit and question his love for her and make her go running to her shrink questioning her self worth. See I am nice and considerate like that.
So Mr. Blue loved to take me on all these mini vacations and adventures. On one particular mini break we went to somewhere in the Florida Pan Handle the town is not important but I think it was Panama City Beach if not that will work as this is my story and I can pretty much make up things if I can’t remember. After an exciting and fun weekend we were driving back and he saw this huge park type thing and they had mini race cars and putt putt golf and amusement park rides and he said OMG, we are totally going there, and I was like OMG yeah we totally are cause that would rock ! Thinking I can so kick your ass on the mini race cars and putt putt. Not that I am competitive or anything like that. I would never ever create an entire webpage dedicated to beating my brother in law in mini race car driving and leave it up for 10 years. See exhibit A. ( this is not Mr. Blue this is my ex brother in law who was a big race fan who thought he could smoke me)
We park and he says the words that will forever seal my fate. ” Are you sure you’re up for this and wont chicken out?” Screw you homepickle this aint your average bear you’re dealing with booboo, I will stomp you like a French grape. I am invincible. I invented no pain no gain, and just do it. Let’s get this party started.
However in my heightened state of competitive estrogen rage I had somehow overlooked one very important activity at this
place of death doom and demise fun park. This would later lead to my undoing and a life long psyche scaring that no therapist could ever touch.
Apparently my subconscious had assumed they were doing construction. Then I was distracted by flashing neon lights and the glorious sound of skee ball.
We got in a line to get tokens to play skee ball and race go carts. Or so I thought.
Clearly my brain at some point spends a glorious amount of time in denial so I can make it through this life. I could not figure out why I had to step on a scale but I was at dating weight so yeah no biggie. Must be for the race cars or something.
Then snap snap flash flash, a photo. This is kind of what the picture they took of me looked like.
Which I believe was used to hypnotize me, because after that it was blurry as I signed some form that said my family wouldn’t hold them liable for my death or being turned into a broken pile of shattered bone jello if something went wrong. So I am thinking only a dufus would wreck a mini race car duh, give me my helmet and let the victory lap begin.
Then they put me in one of these.
I don’t give a crap who you are. This is NOT sexy no matter what you had on. Mr Blue was all excited and I was thinking this is a bit extreme for skee ball and go carts yo, but I am so going to kick your butt.
Then we walked out hand in hand and he walked away from the race track and towards the construction site. I had an epiphany as the affects of the hypno toad was starting to wear off. The moment I realized it I halted in my tracks so hard our holding hands jerked him around to face me. He said something like, ” you are so hot, this is going to be the biggest turn on ever”. To which I of course just nodded and drooled while my intestines began to tie themselves in knots while my brain spun like a hamster on crack to process I had just signed up for death on a yo yo.
Yes that’s right. In my competitive adrenaline rush I had went through every step needed for a sane person to virtually say, wow, this life was fun, why don’t I risk throwing it all away by flinging myself off what is touted ” the highest bungee jump in the south”. FREAKING AWESOME. I was still young and invincible and full of that stuff called stupid pride.
I had no fear of heights or rides or anything else, I was the competitive wench fighting for the honor of all womankind. This was just another one of those conquests and at the end of the day I would carve another notch in my headboard right?
So I started climbing the vertical crane of death and doom. I watched the families having fun on the things I wanted to do and every step made them smaller and smaller. My heart began beating out of my chest.
When we arrived at the top my knuckles were white and I experienced something new, an entire new level of, “HOLY SHIT I AM GOING TO DIE”, type panic set in as I could feel the crane beneath me sway in the wind.
Mr Blue gave me a kiss and said something totally stupid like ” let’s do this babe”. I can’t remember exactly because I was wondering if we were in any commercial airspace and would get struck by a plane since we were up in the clouds.
They snapped what equates to a large rubber band to his non sexy crotch harness and he waved and jumped. The jerk on the crane when he reached the end of that bungee was so strong I sat down. On the floor of the crane and started to hyperventilate a little. When I say a little I mean this was the start of what would become the largest recorded panic attack since humans created written language.
Somewhere in the fog that was now my brain trying to process how to get down. I heard the
dickheads young men working this ” attraction” talking to me and each other. Something like, “ok your next” or “mama, it’s going to be hard to jump while clutching the metal grates on the floor with your fingers toes and teeth”. I crawled like a dog on all fours and turned around. I looked at the ladder to get back down and almost passed out.
dickheads you men then tried to hold my hands and pull help me up against my will. Total assholes nice young men.
I was shaking so bad if you would have handed me cream I would created butter in less than 5 seconds. I had to form a complete sentence I had to think I had to save myself.
“Heliocopoter?” ok so that wasn’t a sentence but I was able to form a word, that was a start, apparently the
dickheads young men had seen this level of terror before because they scoffed at me knew this was a reasonable yet impossible request.
I felt like Nell. Twee inda wend. Twee inda wend. Tears were running down my face and I looked like this.
They began pulling me to what were now marshmallows on the end of cooked spaghetti, aka formerly my feet and legs. I forced out ” FIRETRUCK!!!, please call the FIRETRUCK !! I WILL PAY FOR THIS AND THE FIRETRUCK PUUUUUUUULEEEEZE CALL THE FIRETRUCK ! ”
Then I heard Mr Blue from the ground yell, ” if you love me you will jump”. Let’s use this as a learning moment folks. Really? Dude, at this moment you are talking love? Screw you Dingus Khan. If you love me you will call in the frigging navy seals to rescue me. Kiss my…………
I am not going to pretend I don’t have a horrible potty mouth. But as semi polite responsible human I go to great lengths not to do it in public. Especially the kind of public that there are families having great bonding moments and do not need to explain to their small children exactly what the screaming ladies means by ” you mom farting rooster smackers” means. ( yeah those weren’t the words, you will have to guess, unless bablefish has a scream of death to English translator and then you could just type it in and find out. But it happened. I think I had just enough time to scream every single word Carlin ever used and then made up new ones.
When it was finally over I was not happy and still shaking. So full of fear and pissed off I didn’t even notice that I looked a little like Fergie at a concert
Farewell Mr Blue. Because obviously I didn’t love you enough to voluntarily pee my pants in public after being bungee pushed..
In fact you are so lucky I didn’t look like this.
Here’s the spin folks if you don’t scream a string of instructional obscenities in front of roughly 200 men woman and especially children. Or piss yourself and have to change in front of your boyfriend that you now hate. Or crap your pants in a public fashion where there will end up being a photo of it spattered all over the internet. Then your Monday may be a little less “craptastic” than it could be.
***DISCLAIMER*** Boat loads of pride were injured during the making of this post, with roughly 50 children’s innocence, and a pair of underwear and shorts I threw away in the parks trash because I had peed in them , and a relationship with Mr Blue was terminally severed.**