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Non Advice Tell It Tuesday

Posted on August 3, 2010 by MidWesternMamaH in Peachy Advice - 3 Comments

Good morning darlings. For those of you that don’t know me, I’m Holly aka Mama H from Are You Serious.

Peachy couldn’t be here today, so she asked me to fill in, and in a drunken haze, I agreed.

Normally my first reaction to anything is more boxed wine, lots of cussing and Xanax, but since this isn’t my house, I’ll cool it on the cussing.

Ready? Here goes –

Dear Peachy

You’ll never guess what ?

But I have a problem keeping my big trap shut

My wife asked if she looked fat in her dress
I told her the truth and now my life is a mess

signed
Couch Sleeper
Dear Couch Sleeper,
WTF Dude? Were you dropped on your head as a child or were you recently hit by lightening? You never .. and I mean never tell your woman she looks fat. I don’t care if she is the size of the broad side of a barn. You lie like a rug. Tell her she looks great. Now that the deed is done, the only thing left for you to do is grovel and kiss some major big ass. Invest in knee pads because you’re going to be crawling on those knees of yours for a while, and stock up on K-Y or hand lotion.. you’re going to be humping your fist for months over this one.
Sucks to be you –
Mama H
_____________
Dear Peach,

Why do my parents give my kids, play dough and drum sets and finger paints.  It destroys my house and I can’t take it away because it’s gifts from the Grandparents.

Signed
Fed Up
Dear Fed Up,
Face it, your parents hate you. They are getting you back for being such an awful child and a disappointing adult.  The way I see it, you have only a couple of choices. Feed your kids lots of sugar and soda then turn them loose on your parents for the afternoon then collect said destructive toys when your kids bring them home.. and burn them.  Yes the kids will cry, but they may as well suck it up now and learn the world isn’t all rainbows, glitter and unicorns. It’ll make ’em tough. Of course this isn’t going to make up for the contempt your parents  feel for you, that ship has sailed. But, if you really want the grands to go away and eliminate the whole crying kids shit, you could just turn them into Homeland Security for “suspicious acts” no fuss.. no muss.
Good Luck Looser –
Mama H
_____________
Peach
Is it normal to dance naked under the full moon while singing songs of yor?
Nymph
Dear Nymph-
Of course darling, its perfectly normal. I do it all the time, and there is nothing wrong with me. Its even better if you involve boxed wine.
Sing-Dance-Be Merry … just don’t do it when your neighbors are having a cook out. Trust me when I say the cops wont let you get dressed before they cuff you and take you in.
Good Luck my little private dancer –
Mama H
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advice, being peachy, dating, epic asshattedness, guest advisor, Holly, kids, Midwesternmamah, money, non advice, parenting, schools, sex, tell it tuesday, the Peachy1

3 comments on “Non Advice Tell It Tuesday”

  1. Momma Drama says:
    August 3, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Great answers Mama H. Love the grandparents one!

  2. KLZ says:
    August 3, 2010 at 4:02 pm

    Um, you can take toys away for ANY reason. Because I said so.

  3. This Week in Peachyland | Being Peachy says:
    December 9, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    […] Tell it Tuesday I had to flake out at the last minute and H from MidWesternMamaH slipped in giving some of the most […]

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