I should probably consider changing the name of this to the Idiot History Channel. Since it seems most of my stories are from my far far away past and I am clearly an idiot in each one. But alas I hope you all know that’s what Moronic Monday is all about. Realizing Monday sucks and that your not alone.
So I have always had a penchant for eye candy, big strong muscle bound yummy athletic type guys. Smokin hot ripped testosterone filled men that well uhm heat up the nether regions by a simple act like, taking off their shirt. But there is a problem. Although I love me so bo hunks. There is something I love more. Brains. Not like a zombie likes brains. But in the way that having witty banter and philosophical conversation and hearing undeniably brilliant things spoken in general conversation makes me quiver like jello being hauled in mini- van on dirt road 24/7 and bo-hunks are just a fleeting flash of white hot heat.
I have always called the bo-hunks Muffin men. It’s my thing, here I will explain it. A muffin man is a guy that is so hot, you can use and abuse him and call him the wrong name and just do whatever you want and them when your done with him you throw a muffin out the front door and he will chase it you shut the door, he will find himself in a yard with food and totally forget what he was doing and wander off to never bother you again. Muffin men. Yum. One huge issue with them is you just can not be around them when the sun is up. I tried, seriously I wanted it to work with muffin men, but it’s like the daylight makes their IQ go even lower. Think Dorie off Nemo, ” Oh look something shinny” well in the daylight everything is shiny, so they I say to them ” just keep swimming just keep swimming, away”. I want Brains so much more.
I also had a saying I stuck to like false eyelash glue. ‘NEVER, ever fish off your own pier”. I didn’t date guys I went to school with, high school or college, and I didn’t date guys I worked with, and I worked in a situation where it was like 27 women to 300 men. Yummy men, some muffins, some brains, some scary balancing both. But I never fish off my own pier so they were totally Not considered and often rebutted.
So on one of my trips down to Florida that I took 5 or 6 times a year for long weekend breaks and to see my old friends. We went to the bar district and I met many delicious Muffin men of all flavors and types.
I probably need to disclose that when I would go out I would never use my real name, or reveal where I actually lived. That always made it easier to stay clear of any future muffin fall out. I would use an utterly made up name, like Ursula, or Matilda, or Broonhilda, I never went for Bambi or something that would invoke thoughts of strippers, I went the other way.
That particular night I had ordered up a darling Italian/Greek looking mix of a muffin. This muffin was truly a fine delicacy It ended up that we spent the weekend together, he was a good muffin and knew not to try and partake in conversations and instead just did things like take me snorkeling and out on a catamaran and feed me strawberries and champagne. Good muffin.
I also did not have sex with these muffins, and yes I am totally using Bill Clinton’s definition of sex because if it’s good enough for him it’s good enough for me.
So the weekend comes to an end and Muffin had shared things like that he played football ( yeah whatever), and his name (danmikedavebob- whatever don’t care). Seriously dude stop trying to speak and just look good ok. At one point during the weekend we went by my Mom’s house where I gathered something like a swimsuit or any trivial thing. I made muffin stay in the car.
As the close of the weekend came muffin tried to form complete sentences something like that he wanted to spend more time with me, and that he could come visit me in Fictionalcentersmalltownville Notarealplace USA where I had told him I lived. This muffin is past his expiration date and is becoming clingy. I escape.
I head to my Mom’s and pack my stuff and say good bye and head off on my 8 hour drive back to the real world where I don’t date anyone especially muffins.
As I am headed north on I-75 just like I always did I am cruisin to ” here I go again on my own” which was totally my driving theme song and I had it cranked and there isn’t much traffic so I am just breezing along.
I see a car flying up from way back in the distance I can tell how fast it’s coming because it’s getting big in my mirror like Alice drinking that DRINK ME stuff. I get in the right lane, because I am thinking oh yeah shit tard I totally am going to follow you so the cops get you and not me for speeding. The car passes, then slows down and gets to my side I look over.
IT’S THE MUFFIN MAN.
Shit, stalking muffins suck. He is now joined by another Muffin of equal or lessor muffin value. He is in a way fine convertible mustang and defiantly not seat belted in. I can tell because his body was more leaning out of the car then in it. He was singing loudly.
I had to turn off white snake. Damn you stalky muffin man. And I was able to figure out that he was singing this,
SHIT ! Red alert, Houston we have hellaproblem here. Although it was really cute, you know like in the way that guy loved Jodi Foster cute. I had to end this as my sharp turn onto West Bound 1-10 was coming up in like an hour and I could not risk him knowing this. What would any logical girl do? Ignore him, roll up the window and blare my white snake.
Surprise it didn’t work, he stayed there, I sped up, they sped up, I slowed down, they matched my speed thus blocking all traffic northbound on 1-75 for over 30 minutes. Fartsticks. I got to do something.
This is way before cell phones so it’s not like I could call anyone and give a hint as to where they could later find my dismembered body. I had to get off at the next stop and prepare to whip muffin ass all by my big girl self.
So I pull off as do my muffin stalkers and we pull into I think a Shoney’s. I explain to him that I had an amazing time and since he gave me his address in Miami I will certainly write him and since I have his phone number I will certainly call him but that I just had to get back to FICTIONALTOWNNOWHERENEARWHEREILIVED because I had to get back to my job at the Bookstore ( I did not work at a book store I worked in a big building with 300 men, 1/2 of them had turn out gear and 1/2 had badges). He explained he was going to be doing some traveling for work and asked if I would like to come and I was like omg that’s so sweet hell no thank you goodbye. I kissed him on the cheek and shook his smexy muffin friends hand and said something like, turn around guys seriously, your just waisting your gas and time. He put a mix tape in my hand and I left.
I looked at it and saw it had my fictional name that he thought was my real name chuckled and threw the mix tape on the seat thinking exactly when did stalker muffin have time to make this mix tape for me ? What a dill hole.
I continued on my journey and made it home took a shower and smiled at the poloroid pics of me and the muffin having a fun and great exotic weekend in south Florida, dumped them in the shoe box on the top shelf in my closet where I kept pictures of muffins and settled back in to my regular routine.
About 3 weeks later I am sitting in my chair at work, where there is this guy in a robe to my right and I look up and HOLY SHIT. Muffin Man is in the court room with flowers in a suit all smiling. I pass a note to the robed man saying, crap I have an issue can we go play at recess.
I come off the bench and round through the back offices in high speed and pull dinguskhaun the stalker muffin into my office I think I said,” what the hell are you doing here? how the hell did you find me? I was not a happy girl I was too pissed to be embarrassed or flattered.
He then tells this stupid story about how he drove around a lot until he found my mom’s house and when he asked for me she told him my real name and how he took her to dinner and got the entire story and how she even told him where actually worked and lived and OMG I am going to kill my mother…
The office is filling up with people as they are stumped to see me with a guy, a guy with flowers, a guy who is indeed a super hot muffin man. My coworkers were gathering so I grab the muffin man and head down the back stairs. To and area where only employees are and then into a little area where no one is. But I had to pass all the guys coming out of shift change and they all stopped dead in their tracks as I drug the muffin man out of the building at high speed.
Muffin man gives me the flowers and a card and pleads his case. I am furious. I explain that I lead a really nice private no drama life and he was fun and a nice vacation and I do NOT need man drama in my life. I shoot him down and I am done being nice with stalker muffin. I hand him the flowers and tell him in no uncertain terms there is NO way in hell I am going to date him see him or even remember his name the end, no if’s no and’s and definitely NO butts, no matter how cute and tight it was.
It was at the moment that the door from the building busted open from all the guys I worked with leaning on it to catch a look and every word. They fell out. What jerkwads right? But no they were like my big brothers and I was kind of glad they were there in case Mr Stalker Muffin went all ” I think you would look awesome as a lamp shade crazy”
Except when the busted out they were staring at Stalker Muffin, and not like the big bravado kind of guys they were, they were staring at him like 10 year old boys. Mouths hanging open and not speaking. I say goodbye Stalker Muffin, push past the entire shift of uniforms out there now staring and go back up to my office.
Within minutes I see officers running down the hallway toward the back. WHAT? OMG Stalker Muffin is out there and he has gone batshit and my guys are having to beat him like a bad LA cop video.
I run to my window and look down. Brain can not process. My guys are patting him on the back, shaking his hand and even getting his phone number? WTH? I watch confused and wanting to scream beat him like a rug from the window, and oh yeah beat my mom too, but I can’t process what I am seeing. My guys are loyal to me. Yet here they are being all hunky dory with Stalker Muffin? What is Stalker Muffin telling them? OMG will he tell them what I look like in my bathing suit or how I kiss? This is freaking High School all over again. I am doomed. I will change my name and move to Montana or something.
I see the crowd below disperse and the guys even held the door open for him. Asshats, traitors and schmucks. Then a few minutes later one of them comes up to my office and says, ” We don’t feel so bad now”. I said oh yeah since you totally just befriend a freaking stalker, so now you don’t feel bad? They said no, ” we always wondered why you wouldn’t date any of us, and we just watched you dump all over ( Stalker Muffin).” I was like so what, he stalked me, all the way from Miami.” my buddy then said, ” Holy shit, you don’t even know who he is do you? He’s (insert name here), and you dumped him”. I said, ” I don’t know whatever I opened the card and it had a bunch of drivel and then it was signed with that name”. ” He’s a stalker, and if he said anything about me he’s a total liar too.”
Friend, ” uhm he’s a freaking Pro football player from the Miami Dolphins”..
” Whatever he’s a stalker”..
I can’t remember exactly but I think he moved on to some other team and went and played in a big plate or maybe it was a super bowl.
STALKER !!! and a damn sexy Muffin Man. I like Brains..