I know it’s 5 kabillion degrees out and July 4th is coming so it’s only fitting I share a Thanksgiving Moronic story for todays Moronic Monday with you right? But of course. That’s how I roll..
But before I go there and let you laugh at my stupidity. I have to share just how stupid my local news is. They accidentally created a facebook page and I accidentally friended it and they super duper hate me. Probably because even though I am a huge MORON I am not a douchecanoe and sometimes I point out when they are. ( not all the time as this would be a full time job and I am not that dedicated) The following actually took place last night on facebook.
My local news facebook status update and “news article”
“WLOX-TV – Oil in Jackson County looks like chocolate “
My actual comment on their status.
” how insulting that an actual journalistic report could compare such a tragedy of monumental proportions down to “looks like chocolate” that’s so Forest Gump..”
which then prompted 20+ comments on that news article in regards to them needing to stop sugar coating and making stupid analogies and actually report the serious news in a serious matter unless they are funded by BP and blah blah. Thus adding to my local news only hating me even more, every since I politely thanked them for publishing the tornado warnings 35 minutes after it was over and they responded on their wall, to me, by name, saying they were trying their best. I think they may or may not think I an “epic asshat” and may be the ones telling google to rank me so highly on that search.
But alas this is my blog and it’s about me in all my glory and goofy of being a Moron of epic proportions. That and they have their own TV station, website, Facebook account, employees that are actually considered journalists, wardrobes, sponsors, advertisers and well lets face it, they have actual jobs. Oh yeah they also get to be morons on like 3 times a day. But since this is my blog and all about me on with the story of the day straight from the zero budget having chair in my pajamas with no wardrobe or editor. ( hence the errors and lack of visual broadcast)
I always over cook for all holidays, invite everyone, including strangers and military people I don’t know who may be all alone. It’s my thing. I have always done it. I never have less than 6 people but could have up to 25 or 30 any given holiday. Everyone is always welcome, it’s a serious production and I cook for days to prepare. But in 2004 I started having funky undiagnosed medical issues, in 2005 Hurricanes kicked our financial butt and we have been working hard to recover but not quite making it. In 2008 my daughter moved out for college in 2009 my son had moved out. I took both of these events really hard and they happened within 50 days of me founding out what my medical problems were, which was just not good news on any level.On top of all our family issues, one of my long time friends had just suffered a serious major medical issue and it was touch and go in ICU and I worried about her and her young family although I was helpless and heartbroken. To say the holiday mood just wasn’t upon me would be an understatement.
No one else in the family ever cared if I had the HUMONGO event I always thought I needed, in fact they usually rolled their eyes and avoided me acting like I tortured them into being there. Honestly it was my own neurotic we HAVE to have a tradition mental status that drove it, and I just didn’t have it in me last year.
The day before Thanksgiving my daughter shows up and then my mom calls. OH holy bat turds. You mean I have to climb out of my pity party and pull this off again folks? Also I need to do it on a budget of -42.57 well this is just already smelling of sparkly awesome.
I slipped off my proverbial pity party water wings and did some financial magic tricks. ( you know that proverbial money tree the husband and kids think you have, yeah it involved that.) Against my better judgement I bothered to get out of my pajamas and actually went to the store to buy a turkey.
There are a few problems with buying a turkey on the night before Thanksgiving.
#1- You know you will have issues thawing it
#2- There might be a limited selection
#3- combine 1 and 2 and you get holy craptastic bird day folks they only have hypothermic birds that a only second mortgage can purchase and they aren’t available in any store located in my state.
so for your math people that’s 1+2= your screwed. ( there may or may not be a test )
I finally at the 3rd store found a bird but it cost more than my vehicle. I kept looking, store number 4 was a waste of time but I got a twix bar and mt dew to rejuvenate me in battle, because they were straight up out of double mocha latte Valium. The 5th store I found a bird, although he was roughly frozen to the solidity state of a cannon ball he was less than the cost of a bionic arm so I bought him. But not before I dropped him and actually cracked the tile on the supermarket floor. Sorry about that unnamed store that was me. Well actually it was your bird and therefore your bad. I blame you since you should have had it somewhat thawed by Thanksgiving eve your a bunch of shatards and obviously deserve broken floor tile.
So by 6pm I am home with a bird that there is no hopes of thawing and cooking for 1pm feast in just 17 hours. Panic + Vodka = Epiphany. ( that is math question number 2, well sort of, it’s a word problem but it has math symbols so I guess it’s higher math or something.)
I threw the bird in the hot tub and turned on the jets. I sat and watched him spin head over nubby little would be feet and figured I would drain then bleach and possibly burn the hot tub afterwards. See I have this aversion to poultry. Kind of like my aversion to bugs. If I see a bug I will go to any lengths to make sure it and anything it touched pays dearly. With poultry, I have to bleach repeatedly anything that could have touched it, or throw it away.
I wasn’t sure if it would work. Would this sexy hunk of arctic poultry thaw. Would it reach a temperature that bred some bacteria that would send us all to the ICU with some funky butt explosion disease? Was I going to run out of Vodka before this damn bird finished spinning missing head over butt ?
So the long and short. It worked, the Turkey was tender, and juicy and yummy. In the culinary world it would have been described as very relaxed. But wouldn’t you be after 5 hours in the hot tub?
It was cooked and served on time. I was thankful that my family through all their years of faining eye rolls and acting like they hated my tradition actually wanted and expected it. I was Thankful that I was physically capable of gathering and making Thanksgiving dinner. I spent Thanksgiving bleaching the hot tub and being Thankful I had found a stinking turkey and had a hot tub to thaw the damn thing out in. I also found it’s spinning very hypnotizing, or it could have been the vodka, not sure.
So go forth and win the epic battle of Monday knowing your not alone in your journey of suck, you are in good company. Me and my Local news.. Ok partially good company.
The holidays are really the only times I can say I enjoy cooking. We always have a house full as well. Everyone is welcome. I really do the coming together thing.
OMG, you crack me up.
I have made (and enjoyed) tasty turkeys before, but I’m not sure if my birds have ever been “relaxed”. Now I feel bad.
In all fairness, after the spiking of said bird at the grocery store it deserved the tumble in the hot tub for compensation.
I wonder to some great degree….if the readers understand this is an actual true story…as are most of your funny articles.
honey they have to surely know I can’t make this stuff up… I make it pretty clear I am not a real writer..
Yeah I can attest to this one, I was on the phone with her while the bird was taking a dip! lol
Dude if you have chocolate washing up on the shores I’m coming with buckets and strawberries!
I like to think of my dain bramage as making me more resourceful kind of like John Travolta in that movie Phenomenon ? Also in regards to my local ” news ” my 9 year old the Prince could and has done better journalistic work than the “reporters” they hire.. want proof read what he said about our coast and the oil spill.. more than “looks like chocolate”
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