So here we are with the first edition of Tell It Tuesday. (cue applause light now)
dumbass brilliant flash of light I decided 2 days ago I should offer some advice on here and since I get a couple emails asking for it I figured why not. Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except yesterday I found out I was ranked number 3 in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” (Not making this up the link to the screenshot is right here. ) So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to firstname.lastname@example.org, PULEEZE for the love of Christ on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”. Take it or leave it, but please go ahead and send in your questions your real name and email will never be posted. Send your questions to email@example.com
And awaaaay we go.
My dog is a large and loving kind of dog. We have had him since he was a puppy. Unfortunately his “thing” is always hanging out. If you tell him hi it hangs out, if you pet him it hangs out, if you take him for a ride in the car it hangs out. My kids and their friends notice and always start screaming. What can I do?
My dog is Sprung
Dear My dog is Sprung.
You didn’t mention if your dog was fixed and how old he is. So I will just assume everything to make it easiest to my answer. I am going to say he is 2-3 years old, which we all know in dog years is 14-21. Just like with human males this is the age where the world revolves around his junk. Unless he’s fixed, which you didn’t mention so I am going with he is not. Unless he is AKC or something I would suggest fixing him. Also not very many men are AKC registered so I think they too should be fixed, or at least shot in the ass with saltpeter blow dart, every time they walk through the room. Placing your saltpeter blow dart on the auto setting and putting it up near the refrigerator would help. With the human males probably not the dog since dogs don’t open refrigerators often. If you don’t want him to kiss his manly hood good bye ( that ability makes human males jealous at any age) maybe you can get him some of these, they are on the internet and even come in tiger skin and zebra print although I would stick with the plain ones so the girl dogs don’t get the wrong idea about your guy.
It’s summer and my kids are driving me bonkers. I am considering a year round school because they are so hideous. Do you have a stance on year round schools?
I hate summer
Dear I hate summer, I feel ya, but only part way. Year round schools don’t sit well with me because when do those teachers get time to decompress, adjust their meds or copy all those worksheets. Yes kids can drive you to the point of bonkers, take heart in a couple things. Summer is shorter than the school year and you have built in 24/7 child labor. It’s never too early to let your kids hate living with you and your rules so much that they WANT to go to College and will work for grants and scholarships. Make a hideous chore chart, when they moan and complain explain your only asking for 2-3 hours of work a day, school is what like 7 or 8, and if you work or have a working spouse you can throw that guilt in too. Sort of like this, ” do you love me/daddy?” they nod, ” so do you think your better than me/daddy” cause we work hours and hours on end you can’t
scrub the grout, do the baseboards, roof the house, load the dishwasher ?” If this doesn’t work out for you then your gonna have to suck it up, they climbed from your womb. Put on your big girl panties and print out worksheets to keep their little brains filling up instead of turning to mush. As a last result you can try one of the 2 products below, they are available on line.
OR this new product by Ranco..
I have a friend that is married to this really hot guy. We have been friends forever and I was her maid of honor. He’s smart, witty and very hot. He is always giving me looks and signs that make me think he is interested in me. Here is the thing. I don’t want to go behind my friends back, but I am so attracted to him. We have a party coming up the involves alcohol, I am worried I might slip up and reciprocate his signals and take it to the next step, because I actually want to. How do you think I should best handle this.
Hot for Hubby
Dear Hot for Hubby, If your wrote me even remotely thinking I would be all nice on this topic, here’s a clue, “YOU ARE DOOMED”. Even if you don’t believe in Karma, how dare you even consider this in anyway right? You are clearly NOT her friend. This is dirtbag behavior, with a Capital Dirt. You know the kind that makes people think women are crazy. It’s one thing if you slip up and say something, but your clearly premeditating this thing. Here is my advice for you. Grow up, realize that sex and attraction are not worth more than someone you have been friends with forever as you say. If you so much as wink at him or drink around him so you can “blame” alcohol you deserve a throat punch from your soon to be former friend. I think you should get a grip, and your own man if you want one so much. I understand sometimes people fall in love and it tears families apart and whatever, I get it. However you didn’t mention love, you mentioned he was hot and married to your friend and flirting. You know what on second thought, I have different advice. Slip on your big girl non psycho panties, get him alone and let him know in NO uncertain terms that your friend is awesome and your loyalty. Then if he says or does anything out of line, you tell your friend. It will hurt her. It may end your friendship, but I can guarantee if you hit on or god forbid sleep with her husband your friendship is over anyway. If it causes a fight with her and him and he leaves good. Better now than after a string of people, cause baby I can guarantee if he is looking at his wifes best friend he’s gonna look elsewhere too. Maid of Honor, you better have some.
This brings to a close the 1st ever edition of my advice column, “Tell it Tuesday” .
Remember if you have a question email it to beingpeachy (at) gmail (dot) com