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Friday funny stuff

WE MADE IT !!!! In light of the fact this has pretty much been a week full of Monday’s I am super excited that Friday is here, and it’s not just any Friday people. It’s a Holiday Weekend Friday. So I have some funny’s for you but first on a serious note. I am going [...]

Fun with FaceBook Friends Thursday – SciFi

Yep it’s that time of the week where I pull a random post straight off my facebook account and share it with you. Remember if your facebook doesn’t look like my facebook you need way cooler friends. The last 2 weeks, the posts I pulled each had over 100 comments. One was about me taking [...]

WTH- Wednesday

Well Hello you sexy people ( that’s totally the code word for the 1 person that is reading this, yeah you. I think you’re hot and I am not calling you people because I think you are so fat you qualify to be plural, I say people in the plural form because I want it [...]

Tell it Tuesday My Non Advice Column

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it, I have been 3 and 4 for over 4 months. So proud. [...]

Moronic Monday- The ticket

Today is Mornic Monday, so you get to hear a story about what a huge Moron I am and maybe that will make your Monday a little less suckified. If you want to see my take on the Anniversary of Katrina go here, it’s not funny, so you probably want to say here. Back elevnty [...]

Friday funny stuff

September 3rd, 2010

ThePeachy1

WE MADE IT !!!! In light of the fact this has pretty much been a week full of Monday’s I am super excited that Friday is here, and it’s not just any Friday people. It’s a Holiday Weekend Friday.

So I have some funny’s for you but first on a serious note. I am going to attempt to camp this weekend. Apparently already living in the backwoods where a paved road is a “city stuff” is not enough like camping. So I am taking the Prince and we are going to camp with Paw Paw and Grandma at a State park with paved parking spaces which is actually less like camping then where we live.

To prepare for this event, on Thursday I did a couple scary things.

1- I set up my twitter to go to my cell phone via txt msg

2- I set up my beingpeachy facebook to go to my cell phone via txt msg

(* please note I can’t be sure but I may have sent out pics from my phone? or it could have been gas)

3- I drove my Daddy’s FREAKING HUGE RV to the State Park so we could set it up today.

Also fun fact. 6/7 Truckers driving through my state do not feel the need to button their pants. the 7th one isn’t wearing any. Aren’t you glad you don’t drive a vehicle big enough to look down into a cab of an 18 wheeler on a daily basis. Yeah me too.

So here’s a joke from my Daddy hope it get’s your funny bone geared up for the long weekend.

*********

A Cajun Shrimper wants a job cleaning up the oil spill, but the BP Foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little math test.

Here is your first question, the foreman said. ‘Without using numbers, represent the number 9.’

‘Without numbers?’ The Cajun says, ‘Dat is easy.’ And proceeds to draw three trees.

‘What’s this?’ the boss asks

pretty smart.

‘Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,’ says the Cajun.

‘Fair enough,’ says the boss. ‘Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.’

The Cajun stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. ’Ere you go.’

wow. that is genius

The boss scratches his head and says, ‘How on earth do you get that to represent 99?’

‘Each of DA trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.’

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire this Cajun, so he says, ‘All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.’

The Cajun stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, ‘Ere you go. One hundred.’

OK. this is freaking brilliant

The boss looks at the attempt. ‘You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!’

The Cajun leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, ‘A little dog come along and poop by each tree.. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred.’

The Cajun is now the new supervisor.

*******************

And here’s a video but you have to swear to watch it to the end or you will think it’s some type of animal cruelty or something.

Go tear up this weekend like it’s nobodies business. You guys rock, I love and thank you all I hope this brought a quick smile to your face.

xo

PEACH OUT

Fun with FaceBook Friends Thursday – SciFi

September 2nd, 2010

ThePeachy1

Yep it’s that time of the week where I pull a random post straight off my facebook account and share it with you. Remember if your facebook doesn’t look like my facebook you need way cooler friends.

The last 2 weeks, the posts I pulled each had over 100 comments. One was about me taking a shower, and one was about my cat suing me.

Then I got a shit ton of emails insinuating that I scripted my facebook. I am so insulted. If you read my blog or are a face book friend you know I am truly way too lazy and stupid to do something that brilliant. Really? I have never met 2/3rds of my face book friends and 99% of them have never met each other. Plus scripting? Shut up. That’s absurd { end scene, we need makeup in here stat and we will need to re-shoot this, come on people try this scene again with more angst }

So here’s a nice shorty but very important one for you. Since the thread is so short I will do interpretive dance through crappy graphics for your viewing pleasure, you are welcome.

Last night I was

There is always the history channel, PBS or scifi on here 24/7

It’s always on, and usually no one is watching it and then I accidentally looked up, and just like when the Titanic hit the iceberg I knew my life would never be the same.

not ok. captain jean luc picard from star trek the next generation in a speedo

this left me feeling dirty and not in a good way

Spock, Kirk and McCoy make fun of Captain Picard

This made my my melt and not in a Vulcan way.

fun with face book friends, status messages on facebook for sci fi, funny stuff

My brain is still soaking in a bucket in bleach.

So yeah my geek is probably showing a tad and that’s fine. I claim no expertise other than the google ranking of “epic asshattedness”.. I married a guy named Kirk, I have a friend named Borg, and Picard, and another friend married a guy who has the same name as the actor who played Chewbaka in Star Wars.. I like Sci Fi, it’s not like I really actually get dressed up in those outfits and go to the TrekkieCons.

I do not like Captain Jean Luc Picard in a speedo. Nor do I want to see any type of ” romantic” scene with the “Shat” as Captain James T. Kirk. So this got me thinking about the newest Star Trek Captain. Yes I know his name is James T. Kirk also but this is a different timeline/story and he’s clearly not the Shat.

New Star Trek New Captain Kirk, new romantic scene in speedo.

Even though he's a total snuff muffin, I still don't want to see his speedo.

Although slightly less barf worthy than seeing Jean Luc and his non stuffed speedo scene I still don’t want my StarFleet Captains having their communicators hanging out on TV. So I think the only option is a Viking Funeral where all copies of any scene similar to these are shot by trebuchet onto the flaming boat a drift at night..

viking funeral of star trek captain in speedos via a trebuchet

I see this as the only solution.

In the interest of ~~fake~~ journalism I did ~~NOT~~ try to contact Picard for a comment. His reps ~~did not~~ send me this.

yes Jean Luc I feel your shame..

so even though it was a short Face Book thread this week. I hope I conveyed to everyone through interpretive dance the importance of not wearing a speedo EVER. Even if you are a Star Fleet Captain.

xo

PEACH OUT

WTH- Wednesday

September 1st, 2010

ThePeachy1

Well Hello you sexy people ( that’s totally the code word for the 1 person that is reading this, yeah you. I think you’re hot and I am not calling you people because I think you are so fat you qualify to be plural, I say people in the plural form because I want it to look like there is more than 1 person reading this )

It’s Wednesday or WTH Wednesday. Why? It’s the one day of the week that does not have a “theme”.

Moronic Monday- Tell it Tuesday- Think about it Thursday- Funny Stuff Friday so this is my free flow day. I write what I want.

This week I have been staying kind of busy and Doctor Kevorkian ( probably not his actual name, since he’s not actually a Doctor, it’s Probably PA Kevorkian, maybe) has been trying really hard to off me but thankfully my medical records don’t reveal I am part zombie so he can’t kill me nee nurr.. Jokes on you dude.

You guys have me so confused. I know that’s not like splitting an atom, at this point in my life opening a of box of pop tarts can be a mental task that involves an abacus, a texas instruments graphing calculator, cornstarch and a stunt butt double. But really guys sometimes I just am so shocked I need to facepalm my dog. ( don’t worry he signed a waiver and we follow peta rules, he wears protective headgear and is compensated)

loki stunt dog in a helmet for trained facepalms approved by peta

See his cool helmet? yeah my graphics kind of suck

The thing that baffles me the most.

I get a ton of emails asking me for advice on parenting. This baffles me.

Why this baffles me the most.

I make it clear, crystal clear, that I sucked and failed at parenting my oldest son.
( see career as fire twirling sock street performer)

I admittedly state that my daughter in college is an awesome person in spite of me not because of me.

I mention how lucky I am that the prince is just a great little guy and we were lucky that the DNA Gods gave us such an easy kid this time around and knocking as hard as I can on all wood within a 2 mile radius that he is doing great so far.

So this makes me wonder.

Do the emails that come in ask for advice really want to know what I would do? What I have done? What I will do again?

Or is it a plot a ploy a plan.

Do they want to see what I will say then the reader will be all like “ok, let’s totally do the opposite and then use the money we saved from not putting our kids in therapy on going to Disney or Europe?”

Probably that last one. I mean that makes sense. It would be reasonable and most logical.

You guys know I am clearly all about being logical, {snort} yeah right.. See ya tomorrow. I am headed off to answer parenting emails.

xo

PEACH OUT

Oh and since this is all about the kids and parenting and stuff like that.. Here’s something a great guy named Jason from OutnumberedisMe was asked to read a story to his kids class. So he did what we all would do. He wrote a book. ( feel a little bit like a slacker now?) yeah me too, to make you feel even more like a big heel, he had it published and the procedes go to kids charities. So click on over and order your book, send it to your little ones, or to a local school this will autoforgive the time you fed your kids raw ramen noodles when you had a hangover. It’s called “Do Witches Make Fishes” If you can’t buy one right now, at least pass along the link that’s good for one autoforgive of eating the kids french fries.

order it at http://www.authorhouse.com/Bookstore/ItemDetail.aspx?bookid=73845

Tell it Tuesday My Non Advice Column

August 31st, 2010

ThePeachy1

Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it, I have been 3 and 4 for over 4 months. So proud.

But of course Jenny ( the bloggess) got ranked number 4 for “mother f&*ker last week so that stole my thunder ( sniff, sniff, again…)

So if you send in your question, which you’re totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of baby cheeses know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.

Dear ThePeachy1-

I am a blogger. I have been for a little over 2 years, but who’s counting right? The problem is. I never get comments, no matter my topic. I am not edgy and potty mouthed, is that what it takes to be famous?

signed,
Writing to myself

Dear Writing to Myself- Holy shit you think I am famous? Hell yeah you have to sell your soul like that old George Foreman grill at a yard sale and cuss like a sunker drailer and be as edgy as that pointy stick at the dentist. OK that’s a lie. Honestly. People blog for all reasons, some need a place to vent, some have areas of special interest, some have a heart wrenching story, some are professionals, some are political, and some are just down right boring as hell because honestly reading about your ability to make a tutu for your dog out of recycled toilet paper tubes is eye stabbing material enough on Facebook or twitter let alone on a blog. Since I am so famous ( and not a real journalist) I didn’t check out your blog yet. Also, that would be like real work, and then I would have to label you and I am anti label anti brand, and like my ac filter, I have no plans on changing that. Also this isn’t a real advice column and I am not going to mislead people by writing anything that could actually be construed as advice. So if you are writing for you, then just do it. If you’re writing for followers and comments, I can’t help you, if I could I would actually be famous. XO ThePeachy1

***********************************************************

Dearest Peaches-

I have had the worst luck. The second serious relationship in a row has crumbled. My dog needs hip replacement surgery and I again got passed over for a promotion. To make matters worse someone backed into my new Volvo and then just drove off. I don’t want to sound whiney but really, could it get any worse?

your advice is appreciated,
Down and Out

Dear Down and Out- First rule of survivor club is NEVER say, ” could it get any worse”. The answer is ALWAYS YES ! You could have actually lost your job instead of being passed over. Someone could have backed over your dog and you could be driving a pinto instead of a Volvo. A relationship with one of those people could have worked out and they could have been a serial killer that makes human lamp shades. So eat some ice cream, drink some wine, write a poem or whatever. But if you are trying to write a country song try making yourself sound a little more like the rest of us. Otherwise I would strongly suggest you stop looking in toilets for relationships. The only thing there is poop, and YOU DRIVE A VOLVO? I got nothing for ya. Sorry xoxo ThePeachy1

*******************************************************

My Dear Peaches,

Please help. My daughter is 12 and since she went back to school this week our phone has rang off the hook. It’s boy’s. They call during dinner and they call past 10:00 pm. Always boy’s. She doesn’t have a cell phone since I don’t think she needs one until she starts driving and or working. She is furious at me because I answer the phone, and if it’s dinner, or homework or after 8:30pm I explain we are busy or that it’s too late and they should try again at a more appropriate time. She is so mad at me and calls me old fashioned. I don’t want her to hate me or rebel against me or my rules but honestly is there no level of courtesy or respect in the world.

Sincerly,
Out of Touch Momma

Dear Out of Touch Momma- You are my new hero of the day. You aren’t out of touch, you’re in it, totally in it, and you’re in it to win it. I am so proud you don’t think your 12 year old needs a cell phone and that certain times ( especially late at night) calls are not allowed. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. Remember, it’s never too early to make your kids start hating you and or your rules. This allows them to want to get jobs, save money and move out. Also my husband used to answer the phone when boys would call for our daughter in high school and say, ” what do you want to speak to my daughter about son?” They usually hyperventilated or hung up. Was she embarrassed? Of course. That’s your job as a parent, not to be a friend but to be the source of embarrassment to your child. If they don’t come directly out and straight to your car after a school dance, make sure to be prepared like me. I would warn them to follow the rules, if they didn’t. I would walk myself into the school dance, in a huge terry cloth robe, curlers in hair, cream on face, and yell, ” Hey baby girl? Momma’s here, hurry up, Granddad is waiting on us and by the smell of it we will need to bathe him so come on quick.” I can not tell you how effective this is. Honestly my friends would ask me to take their kids to the school dances because they heard of my no holds barred style of parenting. Hang in there, and remember, you will be the stupidest person your child has ever met from age 12 until the day they become parents. It is worth every second. Best of Luck xoxo ThePeachy1

**************************************

That’s it for this week people. Please send in your questions even if they are crazy because I have around 50 I am avoiding answering because I can not find a nice way to tell them they are idiots.

PS- if you sent in your question I am not saying you’re the idiot who I am avoiding, but there is about a 1 in 50 chance.

XO

PEACH OUT

Moronic Monday- The ticket

August 30th, 2010

ThePeachy1

Today is Mornic Monday, so you get to hear a story about what a huge Moron I am and maybe that will make your Monday a little less suckified.

If you want to see my take on the Anniversary of Katrina go here, it’s not funny, so you probably want to say here.

Back elevnty kabillion years ago when I was a teenager. ( the 80′s) The United States decided it would be an awesome idea to change over to the Metric System. ( look that up on google under things American tried and failed at). To this day only athletic events and soda come in metric. (ie: 5 k run and 2 liter of soda)

I am not sure how much money was spent changing all the speed limit signs to KMPR but it was a waste. Fortunately for me it was a mistake that would help one day.

So I had this friend Sally, who I can only describe as an awesome friend yet a horrible influence. And she danced around with Mary Jane a bit, and I was always the designated dork ( driver).

We lived in Central Florida and our car knew the route to Daytona Beach better than the route to school because really? I could not be bothered with my drunken social studies/drivers ed teacher when Daytona was just a speeding ticket away.

So Sally and her friend shook their groove thing with Mary Jane and then we headed to Daytona.

Sally, looked very Italian, but for some reason she had it in her precious little bonged out brain she looked oriental when she was “dancing”. Why argue it’s pointless. Plus she really thought EVERYTHING WAS FUNNY.

We were flying down the highway headed to Daytona while my education was getting farther and farther in my review mirror and that just made it a lovely day.

About 2/3rds of the way to our destination, I felt my stomach knot up. The blue lights of death. In the mirror. Breathing rapid, and sweating like a hooker on their way to Daytona busted for skipping school and about 30 other infractions.

My mind was blank, my heart was racing. The cop walks up to the car and as I rolled down the window it looked like a cheech and chong movie, as smoke billowed out the crack

As luck would have it we pulled over right next to a sign like this.

You work with what you have on hand, and I did.

COP: Do you ladies realize you were speeding?

A deep subliminal part of my brain that took over for self preservation I said the following:

a giant over friendly smile came over my entire body and

I shouted, “guter Tag, Offizier”

the cop looked at me and said.

Cop:- “you ladies you were going nearly 80 mph in a 50mph zone.”

I pointed to the sign and my dashboard and back and forth and smiled and looked like an idiot I said

Me:-”yeah sehr gut, Offizier- yeah, 80, yeah 80 sehr gut?????”

I smiled and pretended not to understand his English, and prayed he didn’t know what pitiful German I knew. It was last ditch effort to not get a ticket or go to jail. I happily admit I was near 80, even the sign actually meant 50mph, or 80kmh and I was near 80mph.

I knew about 10 words in German, I faked it, because my guess what he didn’t know any German.

His face was confused and slightly agitated as he leaned over to look at my passenger, and into what could have only smelled like a friggin high school bathroom right after lunch.

He looks at Sally who is freaking out and I think she was eating the bag of oregano type looking stuff.

this was about 15 years after it happened but you get the idea.

she places her hands together, squints her eyes, nods and says,

“assho”

is this an oriental word? probably not.

Was the cop so busy laughing at our sad yet very inventive asses. Yes. He laughed and said, “OK, well Ms . German lady, get your oriental friend to a restaurant so she can get something to eat and I expect you to slow down.”

He then just walked away and drove off.

Don’t get me wrong people I am not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

But I wonder if and how he explained the German chick and the Italian Asian who smelled like cheech and chong.

Thank you Mr Cop dude. We should have went up the river but you gave us extra credit for thinking outside the box. I owe you.

So as you can see people, being a moron didn’t just happen, I fine tuned my Moronic Status over a period of decades.

Go forth and kick Monday in the nads, I intend to.

XO

PEACH OUT.

This week in Peachyland

August 29th, 2010

ThePeachy1

I just made homemade doughnuts so excuse the powdered sugar all over my keyboard.

Things that didn’t happen on this blog, but I did-

Oh yeah I also joined network blogs, why I didn’t do that when I started I am just not sure, but click over there on the right to follow on Networked blogs so I don’t look like the stinky kid.

I also started opened an account at blogger so I now have a blog over there too I didn’t do it because I didn’t have enough room here, I did it because people using Blogspot kept asking for help and since I had never seen it I thought I should go ahead and at least look at it so I could help them.

Then here’s the stuff I did here this week.

On Moronic Monday we discussed how I furthered the stereo types of Americans when I got in trouble in Canada. I almost lost the kids, and probably my freedom. However a cop felt pity ~~disgust~~ for me and let me go.

For Tell it Tuesday the Non Advice Column I found out you could sell your soul or organs to make ends meet. Got an email from what I can only assume what a kid that distracted me so much I couldn’t even answer the stupid question. A mom wrote in about having “the talk” with her daughter. I am so glad I don’t have to give out real advice cause I kind of suck at it.

Wednesday I let you all in on the most top secret of all secrets. That Justank Beaver kid is a product of the Osmonds. I provide ~~DNA~~ photographic evidence.

Fun with FaceBook Friends Thursday- 107 comments on a freaky status that starts out with a typo but involves a cat suing me. Yeah.. but I think there is a love connection and possibly a restraining order involved. Also even better. None of the people in this thread know each other in real life. So imaging what stars had to align for this level of genius to pour out and hook up.

Funny Stuff Friday- Probably the closest I will come to Mommy blogging. I give you honest to goodness really useful back to school trips.

Saturday- well I took place in a scientific study, and shared my journal and pie charts with you. It concluded, I am not a weeble and I smashed my head into the floor and a door. I am that cool.

Scientific Study on Saturday

August 28th, 2010

ThePeachy1

As you know my house is pretty much filled with some really smart people. Like the Droid is nearly Bill Nye the Science guy. My kid the Prince does science projects for fun. They let me exist here because I can find food in the refridgerator and tell them when their clothes don’t match.

But last night, I too entered the realm of the scientific study. Without even knowing it I was conducting and proving a scientific theory.

Since words are not coming to me easy today I decided to just go ahead and publish the notes and diagrams straight out of my scientific journal.

my scientific journal marks the study here are the diagrams

yeah this is what MY scientific journal looks like- don't judge me

I am not really hungry since I hit my head ( again) I feel kinda barfy so you guys can have my pie.

serious math people will notice the 1% not calculated. screw u

Since I discovered it I get to name it . Showing I am not vain and naming it after myself I have come up with this.

CWDS

Chronic Weeble Deficiency Syndrome

But I found this seriously kick butt weeble picture and if I were a weeble it would probably be what I would look like.

image from trg.fireball20xl

But I wouldn’t have that particular hand placement, I think.

I think this is pretty conclusive evidence, that I am indeed not a weeble. Now I have to go and ask ( code word for beg/threaten) my Droid not to put the survilance tapes on line anywhere.

Hope you have a weeble weekend guys.

PEACH OUT

Back To School Funny Friday

August 27th, 2010

ThePeachy1

Ok so even though my little prince is rounding out his 3rd week in 4th grade and my daughter finishes her bachelors this year.I am a tad bit stabby about the entire supply list/homework issue. Selling organs and dog hair on ebay has not worked out well enough for me to cover even part of their expenses.

I realize some of you are hearing the choir of angels as your short ones return to the educational system. Allowing you to cut back on your “happy pills”. ( while the teachers dosage goes up)

To help decrease the ” I hate your guts” factor and possibly lessen the chances of them getting to sit all alone at a table for every lunch the rest of their lives and put kittens in a sack, I have come up with a list of DON’TS. I love you that much.

Step 1- Appearance is EVERYTHING.

That entire beauty is only skin deep is total bullshit, I mean what’s on the inside counts on the computer and it counts eventually but don’t think for 1 second that your looks do not play a part in how you get along. Don’t let your child no matter how brilliant or stylish go unmonitored by your parental common sense. Do NOT let your 7 year old daughter dress like a hooker. You’re asking for major issues. Do not let your teenagers run wild with your credit card. You don’t really want the yearbook pictures to look like this do you?

mugshots and goth chick, you really don't want these for yearbook photos,

I am sure they have cute, nearly normal baby photos, maybe

Step 2- Shop Smart

When purchasing school supplies, remember your child will be around other children. Not within the safe protective environment you provide. Somethings just automatically put your child on the sit alone at lunch list and might as well just say KICK ME IN THE FACE. Skip these.

bad buys, don't send your kids to school with these.

loving Cher and Beefcakes is barely ok at home, but at school it just says, "throw raw meat at me"

Step 3- Your presence.

Please remember the other kids will see you during school visits, drop offs and pick ups. Please do NOT make these kind of images associated to your child unless that college fund you started when they were babies can be transfered into a Therapy fund.

bad dad costume and bad car line pick up ideas

OMG Daddy please go away, easy to spot the Grands in the car line

Luckily I live in a very rural area ( and by rural I mean armpit of the universe). So we don’t put up with things like this. Which scares me beyond belief because I never sent my kids to a SHCOOL.

school sign spelled wrong on road in a school zone. written shcool

Mostly because all of our roads aren't all paved and the paint we do have is used on the water tower. Apparently Jimmy Bob loves Janie Sue.

Clues something might be wrong

But I will tell you that no matter how lazy you are, you may need to consider the car rider option or change of class request. I know that totally messes with sleeping in and afternoon nap times but if the school bus looks something like this, or the teacher like this, honestly spare them the trauma.

chitty chitty bang band child round up and a scary harry potter teacher

if the bus looks like this, or the teacher like this, consider Private School

If you have run into any of the things on this list, fix it over the weekend. Because really, 8 hours a day with people laughing at you is too much for anyone. Unless your a comedian and then you get paid. Then you can afford private school.

So go forth and enjoy the heck out of your weekend. Hug your kids ( or pet) and live this weekend, don’t just exist because that is just so lazy.

XO

PEACH OUT

Facebook Friends

August 26th, 2010

ThePeachy1

Yep it’s that time of the week where I pull a random post straight off my facebook account and share it with you. Remember if your facebook doesn’t look like my facebook you need way cooler friends.

Last week the simple status -” I just took a shower” had 94 hilarious comments. My facebook friends are remarkable, twisted, sly, smart, and I think they all have a zombie apocalypse action plan. Last week after a series of horrible comments on other peoples blogs, and jumbled tweets. I did what anyone once would do. I looked for a patsy to blame it on. So I wrote a blog post about how it was my cat’s fault. Next thing you know the heated match debate involving a ~~fictional I hope restraining order on me making,~~ info session would begin including lawyers.

One important fact to consider is that NONE of these people have EVER actually met one another.

Funny Facebook threads awesome comments about cat hacker.

I-AM-TYPO-QUEEN !! ( sing to Iron Man tune)

friends on face book make funny comments on a silly thread.

Sometimes even I get lost in my own status message.

I am the queen of typos, and my cat has a lawyer

this got ugly fast, my cat lawyered up.

my friends answer obscure questions on facebook

How do my friends know this info? Never mind.

I have the coolest face book friends ever, they are hilarious

You keep friends like this close. Really close

lawyers, pets, friends, restraining orders, face book, friends

I have never been called Habitual but it sounds kind of hot. updating resume

last comment, typo from the lawyer, woo hoo. about time

fun with facebook friends, funny stuff, lawyers, and hacking cats

who needs E-Harmony anyway.

movie quotes, song lyrics, and presidential / star slams or obligatory

and BAM it took a hella set up but I met my quote of slams.

baby names on facebook, only minutes after meeting that is super cool

Baby names? Cool to know Rachels read to jump on Brad, I mean board

face book thread over 100 comments, all over a cat

Shane. much like the statistician at High School basketball. I thank you.

I think we covered all mandatory includes, expect zombies, pirates and ninjas

I like to think my universe is wavy like BonJovi's slipper when wet album cover

and then {crickets} because all my friends are brilliant and Mensa material they steer clear of any Parallel Universe comment. It’s part of the vow of discloser/ gag order we have. Don’t want to scare the little people.

I have to tell you guys, you almost got a shorter post, but not from my wall. From my local news. I spend days lamenting that I breath the same air the people who comment.

So that’s it’s, head out and onward. Remember if your facebook friends are not this cool then you will probably need to friend some of them. But block your grandma and creepy Uncles, because I hear that’s a real drag.

xoxo

PEACH OUT.

That Beaver kid and his fever stuff

August 25th, 2010

ThePeachy1

I have been spared from the Beaver fever. It’s apparently worse than the swine flu combined with e coli and a touch of syphilis dementia thrown in for that special dash of insanity blend.

Here’s the deal, I have figured out that this Beaver kid has obviously used some type of mass hypnosis,( allegedly), similar to that sparkly vampire stalker crap making grown women want to swoon over a pasty fictional entity.

I am sure they are either putting this insanity stuff in tampons or the public water systems. It’s even making even some of my dear friends ~~nearly wiggidy whack,~~ ~~get on my short list of people I need to get POA on~~, act a bit odd. I am sad because if they start to turn into zombies I will have to off them with a double tap and I really do like my friends. But I am thinking this is similar to mad cow which we all know is just a thin line from zombie status.

I couldn’t find the remote and was ~~forced like a POW~~ lucky enough to catch an interview with little Justank Beaver.

I have a couple conclusions, in addition to his ability to make nearly anyone with a uterus or drinks public water scream like they lit their own hair on fire, ~~and he’s probably the anti christ,~~ and he’s spoiled out of this world ~~and should be diced, chopped and ground up by a product from Billy Mays.~~ He might want to try an exercise in humility, because the only thing worse than a self righteous, all powerful, money having spoiled teen, is the years we have to watch them crash and burn and hit rehab and or optional jail.

Here’s another conclusion and probably the most profound one.

I am ~~positive, pretty darn sure,~~ think he is might be the illegitimate love child of Donnie Osmand.

Here’s why.

justin bieber is probably donny osmonds love child. allegedly

Spooky? yeah I know. Check out the PURPLE on Justin

Remember Donny’s socks? ( if you don’t your too young and therefore you should be out partying not reading my old lady who remembers Donny Osmond’s socks were ALWAYS PURPLE blog.)

Is this just a coincidence? That some obscure kid has just been “discovered and propelled into modern famedom. Even though he sounds like he belongs in the Vienna Boys Choir unless he has that Magical Mr. Microphone (we all had or wanted) altering his voice like HAL.

Is it just a coincidence he is the spitting image of Donny Osmond? Is it merely a fantastical shot that made them look alike and Justin wearing purple?

NO.

donny osmond and justin bieber, that beaver kid

Again with the purple.

So we know that due to The Osmonds religion they are to have huge families and in wedlock. But we all know Donny had to be a player. So I am thinking that he used his left over money from his Donny and Marie Show to pay musicians with street cred to promote his un recognized secret son. Then through some voodoo hex, people were disillusioned enough to think he had talent or appeal. My kids weren’t allowed to take opposite sex phone calls at his age, let alone get on stage and sing about love. Dangerous People. I tell you “By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes.”

I write this wearing my tin foil hat , asbestos pajamas and drinking my artesian well water. Yeah I am definitely safe. Probably. The Question here is, are you?