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Nice try kid.

There I was, snuggled into my bed. Pitch dark in the wonderfully silent house. Surrounded by the 8 pillows and my own especially soft comforter. Sleeping. That’s how I roll. Tap Tap – ”mom” OMG OMG I”m up what’s wrong OMG !!! I fling myself out of the bed and assume the stance of [...]

I never saw a wildthing sorry for itself

Customer Service

Dear Service Providers of the Universe, I have compiled a list of things to help you out with that all elusive things called common sense. I am super nice like that.. 1- please do not have a recording tell me repeatedly that I can do everything on your awesome website, I am familiar [...]

never ever light your farts on fire here is why…

” what the hell are you thinking???? didn’t I tell you about the time I got busted smuggling kittens in from India to sell to the Russians during the cold war? yeah well that’s EXACTLY how that entire thing all started

Captains Log

crew morale is becoming dangerously low. This could be my last update.

OH Lawdy y’all!

RUN!!! The end is near! We were so distracted by zombies we forgot every single post apocalyptic movie script ( warning) that came out in the 90′s….

Nice try kid.

February 26th, 2013

ThePeachy1

There I was, snuggled into my bed. Pitch dark in the wonderfully silent house. Surrounded by the 8 pillows and my own especially soft comforter. Sleeping. That’s how I roll.

Tap Tap – ”mom”

OMG OMG I”m up what’s wrong OMG !!! I fling myself out of the bed and assume the stance of a warrior about to enter the coliseum and my blood is coursing threw my veins at speeds comparative to a fire hose at a 5 alarm fire.

My darling little Prince, the youngest of 3, and the only child not legally old enough to buy booze, the only child under my roof. The perfect little sweethearted, genius, handsome Prince. Was standing there, with a little itty bitty piece of paper no bigger than the fortune out of a cookie.

ThePrince- Mom can you sign your name on this?

Me: Realizing I didn’t need to wrestler an ax murderer out of my house, one eye drooped back closed and I relaxed a bit.

The Prince: Mom, hey Mom, hey can you sign this please.

Me: holds out hand and I realize he has provided me with a tiny ripped on all 4 sides piece of paper the size of a fortune cookie.
Sirens go off, WHOOOT WHOOT Parenting red alert, WHOOT WHOOT. All hands on deck.

I bail out of bed, the one drooped closed eye has now turned into the single raised eyebrow side eye of a mother smelling something not quite right.

We get in the living room.

Me: why do you need me to sign that tiny piece of blank paper?

The Prince: Oh we are going to practicing signing our names today and I wanted to see what yours looks like.

WHOOOT WHOOT Parenting red alert, WHOOT WHOOT. The mothering LIE detector is glaring with sirens and flashing red lights.

This is where I look at my darling baby boy that I adore, and say, ” really? really? I mean seriously dude, please tell me exactly how stupid you think I am?”

His single functioning brain cell was working well enough to NOT to answer that. He proceeded with textbook child maneuver #17. Deer in the headlights. It’s hard to believe he wasn’t on the red carpet for his performance, I think he managed to tear up a bit as he looked at me as if I had just ran him threw with a blunt sword. The OSCAR for best performance of a preteen attempting to look innocent goes to………..

Me: Ok, here’s the deal, I KNOW, that there is more too this, look at me with your mouth hanging open all you want. You need to cough up whateverthehell you need me to sign that you don’t want me to see.

Him: trying to work a tear out of at least one eye ball, mouth agape as if I just testified against him in court.

Me: Let me make this easy for you. HAND ME THE DAMN THING YOU DON’T WANT ME TO KNOW ABOUT, or we will stand here until you miss the bus, and then I will ride YOUR bike in MY pajamas right behind you as you walk to school, down the highway and into your office and DEMAND to know what kind of crap you are in trouble for.

Him: uhm Mom.

Me: You screwed up, first by whatever is in the note you don’t want me to see, second and even more importantly you TRIED TO LIE AND TRICK ME! Come clean NOW.

If you don’t know anything about the Prince let me fill you in on why this is actually worthy of a post. Here is where he won the overall for his school and went to regionals in the science fair 2 years ago.

The Prince winning the over all for his school and the physics regional science fair award 2011 9 years old.

and here he is at the Regional Science fair the next year, after placing in the district.

The Prince at the Regional Science and Physics in 2012, after placing in the District.

OH yeah and he has his own youtube account where he does experiments and other cool stuff including him using his GIANT telescope in the middle of the night to watch activity in the ski. He’s never been in trouble at school, he plays baseball, and goes to MMA, He did a crazy insect collection and even a model project on the solar system WHICH WERE NOT EVEN SCHOOL ASSIGNMENTS. yeah you heard me. FOR THE FUN OF IT. I know right? Probably switched at birth or something. Just yesterday afternoon he called me to let me know one of the little guys on the bus a Kindergartner didn’t have anyone waiting for him at the bus stop ( which they do every day) , so he called me to let me know he was walking little man home. Sweet, right? Yeah I know… Cuteness factor, way way off the scale.

and finally here is the actual note he coughed up just moments before I went all Kung foo cray cray on the child.

seems legit?

Oh yeah, I can totally see the teacher getting this and saying to herself. ” Seems legit dude”. NOT.

Really? So I signed on a NON ripped area of the note, included my phone number and email. Then I told him that I hoped he realized what this meant, and that I was going to rain down on him like a parenting hail storm when he got home from school. Then I hugged him and told him I loved him and to have a great day. He looked a little worried. I don’t know why.

Even though I applaud the absolute MAMMOTH balls it takes to try to pull this off, I am astounded in the lack of effort put forth in this scam. I mean really? This is like elementary level kid lie. He’s in middle school, he needs to step up his game. So while he is at school where I am sure he is attempting his most epic performance with the teacher as to why the note is ripped like this. I will be pumping up my creative mom skills. Dusting off my psychological parenting warfare skills that I really haven’t needed for several years since The Prince is so.. well Princely. I even called his big sister, the one with all the degrees in psychology because she said after being raised by me it was pretty much as easy as tying a shoe.

His dad the Droid was visibly shaken by the entire experience, clearly he has no memory of the older 2 children being younger. This could actually go down in my husbands life as the “WORST DAY EVER!” like Armageddon. I mean he didn’t actually get out of bed to be a part of this entire thing, but when it was all over he was getting ready for JURY DUTY ( hahaha not me LOL), He looked as if the HULK had kicked him in his loins.

There are several issues here. He didn’t do what he was supposed to do in class. It’s SCIENCE for crying out loud, seriously dude? Over school break we actually helped the Stunt kid ( our nephew) with HIS science project, HERE in our HOUSE and I kept asking the Prince to do one, for the fun of it, just in case. He was adamant that he didn’t need to. Then he attempted to fool me with this pathetic half assed premeditated scheme. Then he lied, about the signature, and lied by exclusion by failing to come forth without being cornered.

Well that’s it. That’s the post, and while my husband is probably walking around with his soul ripped out. I am happily planning the extended “lesson” for my darling little Prince, which I am sure will include some baseboard cleaning, most hated foods, and being completely an utterly unplugged from the universe for the first time in his life. Because around here, when you make such an epic mistake, this place sort of turns into Hell Week of Seal Training.

I have to go now, I need to pick up some liver and cauliflower for his dinner.

XO

PEACH OUT

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Customer Service

January 30th, 2013

ThePeachy1

Dear Service Providers of the Universe,

I have compiled a list of things to help you out with that all elusive things called common sense. I am super nice like that..

1- please do not have a recording tell me repeatedly that I can do everything on your awesome website, I am familiar with the concept of the internet, I am also quite familiar with that broken down shit you call a website. Your systems are jacked up, the only time your systems ever work is when it’s a new customer, it’s as if you have a cookie for anyone that has ever been to your crappy site that makes darn sure once they purchase something it will never work for them again. Also if you are my internet provider and you refer me to your website and my internet is not working, chances are I can’t see your damn website because the internet service you provide sucks nearly as much as your website.

2- Your HR department needs a few basic pointers. When hiring people to answer phones and verbally interact with other humans beings and more precisely human beings in the united states speaking English without use of hand gestures should be one of your goals. I can not see the person on the other end of the phone who is probably making hand gestures to help his pigeon English, in addition I can’t draw him a picture to help him understand my situation. Maybe your interviews for these positions should be done VIA PHONE that would give you a taste of what we get when we call.

3- Chain of Command- when the first human voice that speaks to me does not provide me with adequate service and I request a supervisor, and they in turn tell me they ARE the supervisor. I know they are lying. Even if they happen to be supervising that particular phone, I am quite sure they didn’t hire themselves, they don’t hold meetings with themselves and don’t write their own paychecks. When I ask for their supervisor and they say they are THE supervisor I will assume their last name is indeed the Company name and I will refer to them as Mr ATT or Mrs Direct TV or Miss Verizon, if they hang up, I will continue to call back asking for them, because honestly when I reach this point, I have nothing better to do and I have a penchant for being over focused once I am pissed off.

4- I take notes. After I have waited and listened to 2 hours of your recordings pushing buttons and trying to talk like a robot. When an actual human comes on the line, and says their name I write it down, along with anything that person says. I know it’s a crazy habit of mine, but it allows me to call you back the next month and quote the entire conversation and facts verbatim. I understand that your computer version of my account shows that I called on the same date as I am saying but contains no notes that is what we call in the real world, “YOUR PROBLEM”. At this point I did your job, I have a record of it, and that’s what we will be using since YOUR people failed to do their dismal depressing job.

5- Company Morale- Maybe you should search their coffin of a cubicle and remove any distractions and sharp objects. I know if I worked with you guys I wouldn’t last long with out wanting to off myself via a sharpie to the eyeball. They always sound as if I interrupted them from googling “how to make your own hangman’s noose” when they get on line. If I am not mistaken, their job is to answer the phone and talk to the customer, could you possibly remind them of that, maybe an illustration would help, keep it simple use smiley faces and bright colors it could help.

6- Authorized person- like many marriages in this country, I handle a lot of things regarding our home and family. When I call you, and go through the process of pushing buttons for an hour to weed my way through your labyrinth of options and verification, provide every single detail, account number, name, age, dob, social security number, address, email, pin number, bra size, location of birth marks, name of the first pet, crush and car, the paternal great grandfathers second wife maiden name, and finally reach a human. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND COUNTRY do NOT tell me I am not authorized on the account. If you do, I will have my husband call you and say, ” why are you billing me???? I never signed up for this service?? I have no clue who Sandi is?? That person is not authorized to put service in my name??? because at this point, I will harass him until he will do that,. see the last sentence of item #3

xoxo

PEACH OUT

cc: ATT, Verizon, Direct TV, Dish TV, Cable One, GTE, Wells Fargo, and every bank and power company I have ever dealt with. I encourage readers to go ahead and forward this to the service provider of their choice that might need this valuable information.

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TwongBall- Parting is such sweet sorrow..

November 16th, 2012

ThePeachy1

This morning as I fumbled my beaten keyboard with my still sleeping fingers I was smacked in the face with news that opened a floodgate of memories.

“RIP TWINKIES- HOSTESS CAKES NO MORE”

I was probably in shock, but instantly an entire lifetime flashed before my eyes. Remembering Ding Dongs, SnoBalls, Twinkies and the likes as a child, as a teen, then sharing the joy of the very first Hostess cake experience with each of my children as they grew. Some might think it’s sad that a decadent treat can illicit this type of emotional stroll down memory lane. But inevitably, food, smells and music are all capable of this, they are basic sensory reactions.

Being a baker/chocolatier type person I did the only completely il logical thing I could do.

I ran to the kitchen.

These are indeed 2 Die 4

My intentions were never to attempt to sully the memory of any of the unimaginably perfect ( indestructible) delights that speckle the memories of my past. Instead to create something easy, fast, and to serve as my personal homage to Hostess and the yums they have induced over the years.

I don’t usually share my recipes, and honestly not very many people would want to go through the trouble of raising their own bread fed chickens for the fresh eggs, or churning the butter from the fresh cream from a local dairy farm. But I will share with you the altered quick and easy recipe so that anyone, anywhere at anytime can quickly recreate this treat as long as they promise to remember their first bite of a Twinkie, SnoBall or Ding Dong.

So without further ado, my tribute to Hostess I will call the TwongBall. ( unless yall can come up with a better name using a combination of the best known Hostess products, and I really hope you can because I’m not sold on TwongBall. )

Quick and Easy anytime/anybody/any skill recipe-

Need-

Wax paper, 2 bowls, cookie sheet 3 spoons

Ingredients-

1 bag of excellent quality milk chocolates- ( I would recommend Ghiradelli Milk Chocolate Chips- available anywhere.)

1 bag of caramel squares

1 box of Shortbread cookies ( I would recommend Lorne Doon, available anywhere)

2 Tblspns peanut butter

Directions-

Unwrap 6 or 7 caramel squares and place in 1 microwavable bowl

Place approximately 1/2 a bag of Ghiradelli Milk Chocolate Chips in a separate microwavable bowl

Place roughly 2 tbsp of Peanut butter in your third bowl

Cover your cookie sheet with wax paper, and open your cookie and place to the side

1- Put your caramel squares in the microwave for 10 seconds, stir, and microwave 5 more seconds. Remove melted caramel and spread onto 1 side of your shortbread cookie, place them to the side.

2-Melt your bowl of chocolate chips in your microwave using 15 second bursts of heat. Between each 15 second round, completely stir and mix the chocolate so one area is not overheated, if possible use a glass bowl and a plastic spoon. Stop heating when you are able to see a creamy smooth chocolate with only 2 -5 chip lumps in the shiny mix. They will melt in as you stir.

3- Using your spoon, make a square that’s slightly bigger than the size of your shortbread cookie with a layer of the melted chocolate, then place your shortbread cookies caramel side down into the squares of chocolate.

4- place in freezer for 3 minutes or fridge for 7

5- with the plain side of your shortbread cookie facing up cover the plain surface of your cookie with a thin layer of peanut butter as it lays in the chocolate square you already made.

6- place the cookie sheet in freezer for 3 minutes or fridge for 7

7- Add more chocolate chips to your chocolate bowl, and reheat in 15 second intervals until you reach a good consistency.

8-Spoon a layer of melted chocolate over each square making sure the fresh melted chocolate goes down the sides and touches the now set, cold, chocolate base.

9- place in freezer for 3 minutes or fridge for 5.

Once they are set, leave them out at room temperature to become nice and yummy. ( frozen chocolate and caramel are a bit hard to chew).

Nothing left to do except enjoy. If peanut butter cups and twix had a love child, this would be it. Quick easy no baking, no cutting, no serving.

Much respect to Hostess who made sure that even if our Mom’s, Aunts, or Grannies couldn’t cook we were still able to enjoy a delicious baked good anywhere in America.

xo

PEACH OUT.

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never ever light your farts on fire here is why…

October 23rd, 2012

ThePeachy1

Hello you incredibly good looking obviously brilliant people. Yeah you, sitting there in your stained t-shirt 2 socks that don’t match and some kickin bedhead, you too, being comfy is HAWT ! I know from the massive piles of emails that some of you really really miss my 5 day a week blogging here at BeingPeachy and just can barely breath without me, Mom, seriously stop emailing me about it. But so many things have come up, like entire seasons of shows I haven’t seen before on netflix and hulu. I kid I kid, there were only a few and they were all missing one or 2 key episodes. Yes I haven’t blogged as much here, and yes I haven’t done “THE TWITTER” hardly at all, but dear lovely friends I have stayed true to facebook, I am there, find me, join in. Just don’t ask me to send you a cow or plant a tree or join a sorority or your mafia/mob and no I don’t have a clue what a throne is other than what a royal ass plunks upon. So now I have covered all that jazz and we are off to the races.

I have had several friends and family recently talk to me about their kids, not like, ” OMG my kid pooped!”, ( they know better) but like, ” uhm I think my kid may be turning into an asshat” or ” little Jimmy is really upset that we weren’t able to get on the top of the wait list for the new Iamspoiled 9, so he dropped kicked his OLD ibrat 8 he got when it was released five weeks ago with his Carlos SantChoo GucPrada shoes and it accidentally slipped off his foot which smashed that 60×60 frame of the photo we have of him on the beach in white in Brazil for his 6th birthday 3 weeks ago. But I wasn’t mad because that frame was the wrong shade/gloss of gold anyway and completely clashed with the platinum theme I am going with.” OK.. those aren’t exactly what people have said, but honestly they may as well have, because that’s what I hear. Now before anyone get’s every level of offended because they are giving their children what they didn’t have and blah blah blah, yadda yadda, I hear ya, I feel ya, every parent wants that, but maybe just maybe, sometimes they should have a little of what their parents did, humble pie it’s as essential to growing up as milk, air, and breaking rules.

I’m not judging anyone. Why? Well if you know me, I am FAR FAR FAR away donkey from being any kind of parenting role model and I am the very first to admit it. My kids have done more jacked up stuff than a Quickie Lube, hopefully they learn from it. I admit to my kids every time I open my mouth that I don’t have all the answers I never will, and I am human, I will make mistakes, accidents and poor choices, and I expect the same from them. But the one thing they can count on is me being there screaming, ” what the hell are you thinking???? didn’t I tell you about the time I got busted smuggling kittens in from India to sell to the Russians during the cold war? yeah well that’s EXACTLY how that entire thing all started, I seriously hope you know Russian half as well as I do if you intend on making these type of decisions.” I then usually sit there, stone faced, waiting, until I dramatically throw my hands in the air and stomp off muttering about consequences and how hard it is to get toilet paper in foreign prisons. My children, the loves of my life, my brilliant adorable, obviously superior children have all SCREWED UP. They will, because they are from me, and if I sit back and pretend that I am always right ( which I do not ever do ever, under no circumstance hand to cheeses I swear on the entire Lord of the Rings series, stick a needle in my eye, I am so lying right now congrats if you are still here to see me admit that) then they will do one of 2 things.

1- either assume they can never live up to me and go ahead and pierce their retina and have their feet surgically webbed to show me how they have no intentions of even ever trying, or 2- consistently attempt to live up to some higher than though standard, and hide things from me, from others and themselves and be so afraid of failure that they would rather fling themselves onto a flaming spork than admit a mistake. So I bare my flaws, even if they are dramatically rendered for enhanced learning and viewing pleasure.

So sometimes it’s as simple as explaining to your 11 year old son why it is completely unacceptable to break up with a girl via a text message when that’s the only type of conversation they have ever had. Sometimes it’s reassuring your daughter that she is an amazing human being you are proud to know and absolutely profoundly confused how a screw up like yourself could produce someone with her moral and social code because if in her situation you would have taken a sabbatical to screw businessmen in Greece and classified it as a “learning experience” while trying to get a student loan to fund it. Sometimes it’s as hard as realizing that your kid, no matter how you tried, is just, an ass. You can reflect on all the things you could have done different, if there were signs, flags, blinking lights and people flat out telling you your kid is an ass.

None of it matters, you can’t turn back time, and you can only mold those little brains and souls so much no matter how much Baby Einstien wants to tell you differently EACH of us are different your children may come from you but they are NOT YOU, nor are they each other, you may have 3 kids you have to parent completely different, suck it up. They don’t all learn the same way, no matter how your cookie cutter school wants to think they do, they don’t. They are kids not CLONES. Unless you did some truly heinous act to which you shouldn’t have the privilege of air let alone internet access then chances are you didn’t screw up your kid or their life. They can and will become what they will become and you can only hope to install some type of early screw up detection system in them.

The most sound parenting advice I have ever received all came from a woman I could NOT even comprehend relating to when I was under 30. One of her points was that a well balance meal was important to the health of a child and should always be completed with a dish of humble pie. But remember to serve it warm, caring and with a sense of kindness.

Yeah it was hell having someone that deep around you growing up. That’s why I am way cooler to grow up around, I mean I am pretty sure SHE NEVER partied backstage with a big hair band, was in a music video and woke up in the morning next to dumpster… which is why kids… you NEVER EVER light your farts on fire…………. because that’s how that night started.

be good to each other,

make memories,

XO

PEACH OUT.

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My Brain- very sexy

September 23rd, 2012

ThePeachy1

So I don’t tell people. Why? Lots of reasons I guess. I found early on that Doctors, nurses, friends and family reacted as if I had something contagious. Or worse. Made up. Dreamt up. An excuse. Sure it took 7 years of Doctors and emergency rooms with seizures, and migraines and the oddest possible symptoms on the planet to finally figure out what was wrong. No Doctor did. In May 2009, I was told by a neurologist to go home, sit on my couch and wait. Wait to hear from a Brain surgeon, or wait for the next round of symptoms. They didn’t even tell me the name. They simply said, your brain has herniated. It’s been years since that day, and it’s been miles emotionally. I found out who can and can’t deal with this, who it pains to be informed so much that I tell them it’s all better, and who are just simply put, total fucking idiots who you couldn’t educate with a brain transplant.

this is pretty much the BEST medical outcome. Usually they think you are drunk.

I’ve met the ” best Doctors and Surgeons ” in our area ( that includes the states on both sides of us) and Most can’t even pronounce Chiari. What’s even more sad as that NONE of them seem to have ever read. picked up, or even googled the word, some have, right in front of me. It used to scare me to watch the horror on their oh so smart faces as their eyes scanned down the googled page in front of them and they realized that this talking ( sometimes stuttering) walking ( sometimes falling ) human in front of them is indeed what they are reading on the internet. Now it’s either funny or my test, if I am sent to a gastro and bring up the Chairi and they say something as stupid as, ” your brain has nothing to do with this”. I know that basically that doctor is worth their weight in dog hair. Because after several years of personal research, and sending my medical records and results both around this country and to others where they actually STUDY Chiari, I found out from one of the smartest Brain Surgeons on the planet. That the BRAIN CONTROLS EVERYTHING. Sounds simple I know, but try telling some shitard with a God Complex that it’s quite possible they may NOT know EVERYTHING. It’s best to just smile and then add them to the list of people you will NEVER entrust your body and life to again.

Sadly I personally know of so many who have been told it’s nothing, and passed. Even the “procedures” are not always a cure, and yes they are drastic, no it’s not pretty, and yes it’s very risky. If you want to know more google “zipperheads”. Even after this almost everyone I know still suffers with the pain and the symptoms that just can’t be fixed. But nothing breaks your heart like hearing about the kids.

I’m not active in any Chiari Community. From what I can tell there are 3 groups, warriors, survivors and angels. You can pretty much figure out who is who and why. In addition to this absolutely wonderful Diagnosis there is an entire CIRCUS TRAIN of freaking co- Diagnosis that go with this that basically will explain everything in your life from dropping an egg to the awesome ability to always be the cheerleading captain because you can do the splits with no issue.

Here is my big ass oh so sexy brain – prepare to be stunned and impressed.

Don't be jealous of my big sexy brain.

So that’s the story that’s the deal, no more hiding it. There are online support groups out there for friends and families. In the larger cities there are actual groups, then there are organized walks for awareness and research and fundraiser and all that stuff that really helps so many. So if you are up for it, and feel like taking a stroll. September is Chiari Awareness Month. Walk for someone who can’t anymore, or wont one day. There are walks everywhere this month, CA, PA, FL, NY, TN, and a ton of other places. Check it out if you are up to it. I’m not an expert, I’m not a guru, I’m not a leader. In fact very few in the internet world even know I have it. Few in my real world know. Because it seems as if people treat me different, or expect less. Except those that roll there eyes, or sigh, or cringe or simply walk away. So for self preservation I don’t bring it up, especially to the people who think they already know everything, and honestly there’s a shitton of those kind of people out there. But now you know. Consider yourself WAY more educated than 90% Doctors and 75% of Surgeons. It didn’t cost you a thing and took way less than 8 years. You are welcome.

XO

PEACH OUT

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Captains Log

August 1st, 2012

ThePeachy1

Captains Log: Star Date 08012012.. we have been adrift in the norefridgerated zone of Galaxy Suck for 4 days now. The crew morale is on the downslide and quickly become a safety factor. The food replicators are down. We lost all food supplies when it was jettisoned out of bay 2 like Spocks body in that one episode. We lost supplies as the attack of the alien life form known only as “thisshitsgonnaspoil” infiltrated deck 1. The crew staged a revolt against the cook last night, and she only survived by throwing poptarts and honey buns at them. Communications inform me that we were able to get a message to StarFleet. However apparently they are stuck in an insurance wormhole and we must be patient. I’m not sure how much longer we can maintain safety and harmony. Kirk out.

xo

PEACH OUT

( aka it’s funnier when you realize my last name is actually Kirk)

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OH Lawdy y’all!

July 13th, 2012

ThePeachy1

Hide yo kids Hide yo wife, they frying everybody up in here…. Ok seriously this is insane.. I knew this would happen.

The RED Owl flies at Noon. The ice is in the dressers. Run YALL!!!

Oh MY BOB.... RUN!!!

yeah I would explain but seriously I have to get to a mountain range so I can find a cave.. I was prepared for zombies, not being bitch slapped by the sun…. good luck y’all.

xo

PEACH OUT

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The Lion the Witch and the Warbler…

May 6th, 2012

ThePeachy1

Long ago in a land not so very far there was a very young Lion. The little lion was headstrong as young lions are. The little lion was very curious, adventurous and would always get into trouble.

The Lion had been placed in the care of a Warbler, the Warbler like most Warblers was ill prepared, and had been cursed to the power of the Witch for all eternity. This meant that the little Lion was subjected to the whims and rules of the Witch because the Warbler was completely powerless against the Witch. The little Lion knew that she should please the witch because it would make her life so much easier, but it seemed as though the little lion could never make the Witch happy. No matter what. The mean old witch clearly disliked the little lion and reminded it at every turn just how much. Even if it was just a look, a look of discontent, a look of disgust, a guttural primal noise of the sour taste the lions very breathing inflicted upon the Witch.

There had been a Tortoise and a Hare under the care of the Warbler but they had raced off before the little lion ever got to really know them. Nothing the little Lion did went without the implied threat that the Lion would go the way of the Tortoise and the Hare if she were to not conform.

But that silly little Lion was so headstrong. That little Lion just knew that under no circumstances would she let the Witch win, or an even worse fate, be like the Warbler because that, would be worse than death.

As the little Lion grows she becomes stronger, smarter and way more clever than the Warbler in no time. The Witch however continues to reign over the entire kingdom with her limitless power and realizes that even with all her power, the little Lion has remained hard headed and independent.

One day the not so little anymore Lion decides she is big enough and smart enough to leave the Kingdom and be rid of the Witch forever. She has no pity for the Witch, and less for the Warbler. The Lion had realized the Warbler could have escaped the power of the Witch many times, but it would mean leaving the Castle. On that final day, the Witch flew into a rage and informed the Lion that it had always been a thorn in the side of the entire kingdom and nothing but a horrible reminder to the poor Warbler because if it weren’t for the Lion the Warbler would have had free will. The Lion ran off, far far away.

For a very long time the Lion looked for the Hare and the Tortoise but they had little interest in the Lion. They had been free for so long they had their own families and they simply had no need for a Lion in a family of Hares or Tortoises. So the Lion headed out to make her own Kingdom.

The Lion made horrible choices, and huge mistakes, it seemed like one directly after the next, but no matter how sad, lonely or hungry the Lion was she would not return to the Kingdom of the evil Witch.

Eventually the Lion grew up even through all her many mistakes and had her own family. Not perfect, not easy, not quiet, because well, they were baby Lions. Every mistake the Lion made she worried how it would affect her cubs, their safety, their lives, their happiness. Because even though the Lion always walked with her head held high and had a mighty roar the Lion had no clue what she was really doing, but she knew those cubs would know they were Lions and that was a thing to be proud of.

When the cubs were old enough, clever enough, strong enough, and proud enough, they learned from their Mother the stories of the Evil Witch and the wobbly Warbler . When the Lion was sure her cubs understood, the Lion took them to the Kingdom so they could understand what the Lion had fought so hard against. Now the Lions would enter the Kingdom, strong, united, and with mighty proud roars.

The Lion saw the Witch had grown so much older, and somehow more gentle, and the Warbler appeared to no longer be under the spell of the Witch but instead now held the real power. The Lion was confused as to how this Warbler who had never been able to protect the little Lion had stayed long enough and done enough that now the Witch couldn’t go a day without the Warbler, and the Warbler was in charge. For a moment the Lion had hoped there might be a glimmer of hope for the Warbler and now the Lion and her beautiful Cubs would become important, and of value. The moment faded fast and the Lion realized that it wasn’t the Witch who had made the choice all those years for the imprisonment of the Warbler but it was indeed the Warbler who had fed the Witch for so long, that the slow daily poisonings would soon pay off. The Warbler instead of seizing the power and freeing the Kingdom had become so like the Witch that when the Lion saw the Warbler speaking to her cubs she was reminded of how the Witch had spoken to her. She grabbed her cubs and left the Kingdom forever.

The Lion and her family did not live happily ever after. Her cubs grew up as all cubs do. The Lion was proud but scared for her cubs no matter how grown they became. She tried so hard to still hold her head up high and have a mighty roar, but the years had been hard on the Lion. The Lion missed her cubs so dearly but understood that they had to go and find their own Kingdoms make their own mistakes as well as conquests. Each time her cubs came upon a hardship the Lion would offer fate a drop of her soul in exchange for an easier way for her now growing cubs. The Lion reminds her grown cubs that they are indeed powerful wonderful, amazing Lions, and they can become the rulers of their Kingdoms. But eventually even with nearly the entire soul of the Lion traded one of the cubs fell away.

As the Lion lays quietly in her Den, depleted, she always tried to force her younger days and the heartbreak for one of her cubs out of her mind with the visions of her other cubs living a wonderful exciting and adventurous life, but she never forgets. As an older wiser Lion she grew to understand how the Witch became a Witch, and found out that the Witch was once too a Lion, but she held onto her sad past for so long that she turned each drop of pain into a magic brick to build a wall of anger around herself. She had become a Witch to protect herself. In later years the Warbler came to need the Lion. But the Lion never allowed herself to fully trust the Warbler because the Lion remembered how the Warbler had secretly poisoned the Witch for so many years. She often wondered which was more evil, the Witch or the Warbler.

Sometimes the Lion forgets that her cubs are grown, sometimes the Lion dreams that her cubs are still little and she can do things differently, better, and avoid all her mistakes so her cubs would have better lives, so they would know they are fierce amazing powerful Lions. Sometimes the Lion just hopes and dreams that her cubs know how very very much they are loved.

In my dreams my cubs live happily ever after.

XO

PEACH OUT..

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is it living because it only feels like waiting…

March 22nd, 2012

ThePeachy1

With the overload of health issues around here, along with the common “life stuff” I willing took a break from blogging after the last attacks from trolls, trolls who don’t know me, know my child, know my life, know my situation, and will never understand my life or my thoughts… Simply put I took a break because I wans’t strong enough to keep going, 3 blogs 5 days a week and 2 little freelance writing gigs with groups kept me tied to the computer dumping out my odd take on humor, insane non advice, and occasional a serious topic that was usually vague. Due to recent events I have decided I will blog, on my blog, and the trolls will not, can not affect me. I wont allow them that kind of power. I have to share this story because as odd or awful as this story, I can’t believe I am the only one. Sometimes knowing you aren’t alone, can make a differences on your life. It has in mine.

For a very long time, I have had to live while waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I say living but it’s really just existing with spurts of me faking living when I can muster the strength to push the elephant in the room to the back of my mind.

When someone you love with all of your soul makes horrible choices, you have to make a choice.

I made a choice to love from a distance, allow that person to do things at their will, wherever they wanted. The condition. I would not support that person, their activities or their train of thought, not emotionally and definitely not financially.

Of course that comes with what is often emotionally a higher consequence for me, a soul eating mind boggling, hellish existence. Torn when the phone doesn’t ring. Then furious and emotional and again torn when it does. There is no happy medium there is no mutual enjoyment of life and it’s experiences. It is what it is. An inner ring of hell.

It’s odd how the human brain learns to process things that are so completely outrageous and unacceptable if they happen enough. Literally the brain removes any logic to save the heart. It’s like the brain knows if one more little piece of your soul falls to the floor you will collapse with all breath gone and finally faded away.

Things you never in your life thought you would hear, become somewhat expected. Disappointing? Well of course. Fear inducing, almost every time. Seeing red with anger, your brain somehow melts it to where a simple wash of un-easy gently rolls off your back.

You can’t fix it, they don’t want to be fixed, no matter how absolutely insane and ludicrous the situation you can not even point out how completely illogical the situation is, let alone offer solutions. There are no less than 683 million reasons why all of your ideas are completely stupid.

You learn to focus not on the highs, not on the lows, not on the shocking news, but only on the fact that you love that person. You make sure whatever you say wont offend them, or their choices, and you make double damn sure that person knows you love them, you love them deeply, you love them completely, you love them from your soul. You only want the best for them, safety for them, happiness for them.

You see no one really has the same idea of happiness.. It took me 43 years to realize that. Another thing this person taught me. Just because it’s ” the normal” thing that you are sure would make anyone happy, happy and delighted and feeling so very lucky, that can seem like hell on earth to someone with a completely different view of happy. Their view of happy would be most peoples view of hell on earth. So who am I to attempt to enforce my cookie cutter ideal of happy on anyone, any adult on the planet. Simply put, I am no one. I am just a daughter, a wife, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a friend.

I am made up as we all our of a unique cocktail of our childhoods, our teachers, our elders, our peers, our own life lessons, co workers, books we have read, shows we have seen. Just a big casserole of a human being trying to find “happy”. When I achieved happy I assumed that would be wonderful, more than wonderful, and that in turn everyone would become happy, everyone would see how hard work brings happy, how loving each other brings happy, how walking the right road, singing your own theme song, and smiling would obviously land you in happy.

I had a really hard time the past 20 years trying to shove people into the happy, I tried to drag them into happy, push them in, beg them, lure them, slide shows of happy, hand made cards, long emails, song dedications, heart felt talks and hugs, I could surely get them to happy, and then once they saw happy they would be like DUH clearly I want happy too !

I was wrong, their happy was so different than mine or most of societies so I had to do one of the hardest things on the planet and accept they would not be in my happy with me. Maybe they were taking a different route, and we would meet up in happy. Maybe their happy just meant more pit stops, more experiences, different criteria, maybe their happy would never lead to the same location as my happy, not even in the same area and I could never see them from my happy, what would I do then?

So then slowly you say, well they aren’t in my happy or headed that way, but their happy could be really good for them, and so I will work on being happy for them in their happy. little crumbles of your heart fall, and your soul tears a little more. But in the end all you really want is for them to be happy, even if it’s not your happy. So you convince yourself not to be such as narrow minded selfish ass who demands everyone’s happiness is within arms reach of your happiness. Don’t be such an idiot to think we are all alike, what a boring world that would be right? Keep telling yourself that, it makes it easier and you can persevere your heart, mind and soul a little more. Plus it does make them happy that you are happy for them in their happiness. It is painful but it’s good for them and for the relationship.

Then a call comes, it’s not happy call, you are prepared because when this disease spins round and round the calls come in 2 forms and 2 forms ONLY. On top of the world best thing ever, everything is beyond amazing. The next call could be in a week, or within 20 minutes of the first call the world is ending, completely ending, there is no hope, there is no escape, there is nothing that can make it better, you can only listen, and try not to cry and remember to love, offer helpful solutions, even offer to make arrangements or calls even though miles separate you the internet can allow you to help, you do what you can and it’s usually for nothing, it never works out, but you make damn sure they know you love them, you love them so much you can’t breath when they are in pain.

The calls- you see the caller id, it’s a number from a state that you don’t know, ever. But you know who is on the other end, you don’t know what kind of call it will be, but you take deep breaths and you prepare to play the roulette game that is literally their life. What kind of call, what kind of incredibly fantastic nearly ludicrousness words of grandeur or is it going to be the gut wrenching heart breaking sobbing pleads for help. You don’t know, but you answer the phone, inviting the insanity, the roller coaster of love and hate and pain into the mundane yet happy that you are attempting to convince yourself of daily.

Nothing surprises you now. Literally, as long as it’s their voice on the end you are prepared. Simply because it’s the common procedure. You’ve learned to stop yelling, begging, urging, and just learned to focus on conveying the fact that you love the elephant in the room, and you love that elephant when your eyes open in the morning, and you love that elephant when your eyes wont close at night without a tear quietly running down your cheek. No one see’s your tear. No one hears your cry and no one, no one on the planet can understand why this elephant is needed so deeply and is somehow comforting.

Then as you are in your happiness on the back porch wind blowing you sit with your little family, cross legged looking at your happiness, eating sandwiches and thinking how peaceful and loving and happy this all is. The phone rings.

The elephant steps outside. With 1 sentence the elephant sits on your chest, takes your breath, and overcomes your world as it’s sucked away by the crushing. But sometime when that elephant climbs on your it compartmentalization your body, the soul, the heart, the brain, are functioning separately. This is good for you, it allows you to attempt to speak in a sane, calm, tone, using gentle words, no blame, just love. The call ends, with mutual ” I love you’s”

The happiness is gone for them. Now faced with a very adult matter that simply can’t be “worked away”.

You don’t remember the rest of the happy picnic, the people in your happiness with you do not have a conversation with you in regards to it. You move on as you do after every call. But something is wrong. Very wrong

You can’t tell anyone, yet you don’t cry, you don’t sob, you don’t fall to the floor throwing up, you don’t steal a car and get to the elephant just to hold them.

What the hell is wrong with you. Why are you not responding like a human, why not like all the times you had hard news before. You haven’t fallen apart yet. Will you fall apart? Will this change your ability to move forward? Will this person now want back in your happy? If this person comes back can you handle it, can the happy team handle it, what will be the cost of the elephant if you don’t? What will be the cost of happy if you do.

I know the other shoe will fall, It has to, there is just no way to process this without dying more inside, maybe I am out of soul, heart, tears.. Maybe I have been cried out, maybe I am stronger, maybe my brain is trying to protect me.

I am very much not ok. Mostly because I feel ok, there is no way I should feel ok. Why am I not shaking sitting in the shower crying and sobbing and vomiting like I have done so many times before when the not happy, no ok news came in.

I’m not even shaking.

The shoe will drop, I hope, I beg, I have the strength, the knowledge, the wisdom, the compassion, the ability, the life experience, balanced with the brain, the heart and soul, to take this journey. To share my happy, to understand their happy, to make a new happy, but most of all, to convey they undying, deepest of love and the basic humanity to make their happy the best happy I can make it.

photo credit to www.myniceprofile.com/broke-heart

please find your happy, please let everyone you know how much you love them, even if their happy is so completely different than your happy.

XO
PEACH OUT.

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Mardi Gras- pictures for you. boobs, bear, beads, and bikinis

February 21st, 2012

ThePeachy1

It’s Mardi Gras people! Last year I let you guys send me on a Mardi Gras scavenger hunt. Then I posted the pictures for you all. This year I am reposting it for everyone today … Originally posted 3/11/20122 Enjoy

As always I dare to attempt to meet all of your needs, wishes and seriously jacked up requests.

Since I have the honor an privilege of living here on the Gulf Coast. I get things like hurricanes, rednecks and oil spills. In return the Catholic Church and Government gives us Mardi Gras.

I know all of you have been, want to go, or can’t come. So in my efforts to continue Being Peachy I sent out an offer. You name what you want to see from my Mardi Gras and I would get it. Then I would dedicate it to you.

Needless to say you Juicy Fruits did not let me down. In fact you raised the bar so high I wasn’t sure if I could get it all. ( some of you accidentally thought I live in New Orleans, as you asked for things we don’t have here even during mardi gras, but I did my best)

Here are the things I was asked for.

boobs, bare chested men, people having fun, people dressed funny or in costumes, beads, me ( what??? why do you want to see me?), king cake, craw fish, cops, drunks, people drinking, drunks toasting, a person on a horse, a person in a tux, skateboarders, witch doctor, bare feet, people with HUGE balls, cheerleaders, proud tourists, somebody cooking on the parade route, womens shoes (aka shoe porn), drag queens, kids sleeping at parades, a float with the beach in the background, a news crew, famous people ( alexander skarsgard, harry connick jr, matthew mconaghy, ryan gosling) .

If that wasn’t bad enough I got these requests- Drag Queen in a bikini, 3 leggeded transvestite, and a weasel catching beads. hrmm… I have to tell you I got these. They didn’t walk by either, I had to hunt them down, and was nearly beaten to death trying to get one of these, because they didn’t want their photo taken so I put my camera in a paper bag and shot it through the whole. Apparently the subject realized that bags should not have a flash. I escaped. You so owe me.

Now since this all invovles a hella lot of photos I have broken it up over both blogs. So if your pic is not here, it’s over here at ThePits

Now let’s make with the pics.

: Thanks to @MagsHoops for requested the flashing guy with a king cake. Hard to get those in the same pic but worth it.

: Oh the shoe porn, so many requested this.

: boots were in this year, probably due to the weather.

: have no clue why you wanted pics of me but here they are, in all the poses requested, let it be known my husband called me a narcissist. DUH, where have you been?