There I was, snuggled into my bed. Pitch dark in the wonderfully silent house. Surrounded by the 8 pillows and my own especially soft comforter. Sleeping. That’s how I roll.
Tap Tap – ”mom”
OMG OMG I”m up what’s wrong OMG !!! I fling myself out of the bed and assume the stance of a warrior about to enter the coliseum and my blood is coursing threw my veins at speeds comparative to a fire hose at a 5 alarm fire.
My darling little Prince, the youngest of 3, and the only child not legally old enough to buy booze, the only child under my roof. The perfect little sweethearted, genius, handsome Prince. Was standing there, with a little itty bitty piece of paper no bigger than the fortune out of a cookie.
ThePrince- Mom can you sign your name on this?
Me: Realizing I didn’t need to wrestler an ax murderer out of my house, one eye drooped back closed and I relaxed a bit.
The Prince: Mom, hey Mom, hey can you sign this please.
Me: holds out hand and I realize he has provided me with a tiny ripped on all 4 sides piece of paper the size of a fortune cookie.
Sirens go off, WHOOOT WHOOT Parenting red alert, WHOOT WHOOT. All hands on deck.
I bail out of bed, the one drooped closed eye has now turned into the single raised eyebrow side eye of a mother smelling something not quite right.
We get in the living room.
Me: why do you need me to sign that tiny piece of blank paper?
The Prince: Oh we are going to practicing signing our names today and I wanted to see what yours looks like.
WHOOOT WHOOT Parenting red alert, WHOOT WHOOT. The mothering LIE detector is glaring with sirens and flashing red lights.
This is where I look at my darling baby boy that I adore, and say, ” really? really? I mean seriously dude, please tell me exactly how stupid you think I am?”
His single functioning brain cell was working well enough to NOT to answer that. He proceeded with textbook child maneuver #17. Deer in the headlights. It’s hard to believe he wasn’t on the red carpet for his performance, I think he managed to tear up a bit as he looked at me as if I had just ran him threw with a blunt sword. The OSCAR for best performance of a preteen attempting to look innocent goes to………..
Me: Ok, here’s the deal, I KNOW, that there is more too this, look at me with your mouth hanging open all you want. You need to cough up whateverthehell you need me to sign that you don’t want me to see.
Him: trying to work a tear out of at least one eye ball, mouth agape as if I just testified against him in court.
Me: Let me make this easy for you. HAND ME THE DAMN THING YOU DON’T WANT ME TO KNOW ABOUT, or we will stand here until you miss the bus, and then I will ride YOUR bike in MY pajamas right behind you as you walk to school, down the highway and into your office and DEMAND to know what kind of crap you are in trouble for.
Him: uhm Mom.
Me: You screwed up, first by whatever is in the note you don’t want me to see, second and even more importantly you TRIED TO LIE AND TRICK ME! Come clean NOW.
If you don’t know anything about the Prince let me fill you in on why this is actually worthy of a post. Here is where he won the overall for his school and went to regionals in the science fair 2 years ago.
and here he is at the Regional Science fair the next year, after placing in the district.
OH yeah and he has his own youtube account where he does experiments and other cool stuff including him using his GIANT telescope in the middle of the night to watch activity in the ski. He’s never been in trouble at school, he plays baseball, and goes to MMA, He did a crazy insect collection and even a model project on the solar system WHICH WERE NOT EVEN SCHOOL ASSIGNMENTS. yeah you heard me. FOR THE FUN OF IT. I know right? Probably switched at birth or something. Just yesterday afternoon he called me to let me know one of the little guys on the bus a Kindergartner didn’t have anyone waiting for him at the bus stop ( which they do every day) , so he called me to let me know he was walking little man home. Sweet, right? Yeah I know… Cuteness factor, way way off the scale.
and finally here is the actual note he coughed up just moments before I went all Kung foo cray cray on the child.
Oh yeah, I can totally see the teacher getting this and saying to herself. ” Seems legit dude”. NOT.
Really? So I signed on a NON ripped area of the note, included my phone number and email. Then I told him that I hoped he realized what this meant, and that I was going to rain down on him like a parenting hail storm when he got home from school. Then I hugged him and told him I loved him and to have a great day. He looked a little worried. I don’t know why.
Even though I applaud the absolute MAMMOTH balls it takes to try to pull this off, I am astounded in the lack of effort put forth in this scam. I mean really? This is like elementary level kid lie. He’s in middle school, he needs to step up his game. So while he is at school where I am sure he is attempting his most epic performance with the teacher as to why the note is ripped like this. I will be pumping up my creative mom skills. Dusting off my psychological parenting warfare skills that I really haven’t needed for several years since The Prince is so.. well Princely. I even called his big sister, the one with all the degrees in psychology because she said after being raised by me it was pretty much as easy as tying a shoe.
His dad the Droid was visibly shaken by the entire experience, clearly he has no memory of the older 2 children being younger. This could actually go down in my husbands life as the “WORST DAY EVER!” like Armageddon. I mean he didn’t actually get out of bed to be a part of this entire thing, but when it was all over he was getting ready for JURY DUTY ( hahaha not me LOL), He looked as if the HULK had kicked him in his loins.
There are several issues here. He didn’t do what he was supposed to do in class. It’s SCIENCE for crying out loud, seriously dude? Over school break we actually helped the Stunt kid ( our nephew) with HIS science project, HERE in our HOUSE and I kept asking the Prince to do one, for the fun of it, just in case. He was adamant that he didn’t need to. Then he attempted to fool me with this pathetic half assed premeditated scheme. Then he lied, about the signature, and lied by exclusion by failing to come forth without being cornered.
Well that’s it. That’s the post, and while my husband is probably walking around with his soul ripped out. I am happily planning the extended “lesson” for my darling little Prince, which I am sure will include some baseboard cleaning, most hated foods, and being completely an utterly unplugged from the universe for the first time in his life. Because around here, when you make such an epic mistake, this place sort of turns into Hell Week of Seal Training.
I have to go now, I need to pick up some liver and cauliflower for his dinner.