mother nature made me do it.

Posted on May 16, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in Moronic Mondays

I awoke from my precious sleep to the blaring of the weather radio. If you could combine the screeching of 10 million owls, with 3ooo trick or treaters, and throw it in a blender then take it up to about a kazillion decibels well that is what I awoke to. Of course when a noise like this wakes you up from a dead sleep your body is merely responding to the g force involved that takes you from peaceful slumber to full blown panic. Here is a step by step of what will happen. ( probably, cause it did to me)

You will jolt up so fast and try to run to whatever is making the noise. If your lucky it will be placed in what you thought was a good central location of your house not near your bed. This will allow for your still sleeping body to try to navigate around and obstacle course / rat maze thus adding the pain of slamming your ankle into a door and your shoulder into the door jam .

With the mix of pain and adrenaline you are now experiencing you body is waking up, however you will notice as you are so close to the LOUD object you have forgotten your glasses as you sprung into action. Thus causing you to back track allowing for the same injuries but on the other side of your body.

You don’t swear or curse, because your not sure what the emergency is since you can’t see the dumb thing and you might be about to die and who wants to get to heaven or hell and explain why your last words were so nasty.

You make it back with 2 bum ankles and banged up shoulders with the glasses on. You see it’s flooding and there is a tornado warning.

To confirm the above news you go to put the dogs out, they look at you like your on crack, clearly they are not going out in this weather did you not hear the alarm. Yes dogs but until you learn to lift the seat and flush, this is your toilet, flooded or not. They win I lose.

The next series of things all went thru my brain in a matter of less than 2 minutes :

-build an ark. I have 2 dogs, but 1 is fixed, what was I thinking how am I going to make more dogs when 1 is fixed, I am so stupid.

-I should put on makeup, because if they find my body in the rubble I should probably look better.

-good thing the Prince is already sleeping downstairs or I would have to go get him.

– wait, how in the hell did he and the droid sleep thru that SCREAMING weather machine alarm thingy?

-are they alive maybe I should check.

-I don’t think these pj’s are ok for the rescue workers to see I should change.

– I could really use some Mt dew and or vodka and or a pound cake.

– why was I dreaming about picking spoons up off the floor from underneath my old high school friends knees? I should google what that dream means.

-I should seriously try to dream more about Brendan Fraser cause he is totally into me.

– yeah they are alive, ok, not fair they are still sleeping we should like be huddled in a closet or hallway like we had to do in school. GET UP, I just saved your lives. Thank me later.

– when I built this house why is the only interior room without windows also the tiniest and a guest bath?

– would I rather get blown to oz or actully hang out in the 1/2 bath?

– no way. I have to mop and bleach this stuff…. I can not be in this room, it’s a friggin bathroom, and EEEEEWWWW…

Then I didn’t think anymore I just bleached and mopped my 1/2 bath. ceiling to floor, because I don’t want to be all huddled up in a gross bathroom all day.

Thank you mother nature for making me clean my 1/2 bath. I thank you because you didn’t send zombies, clearly I would have been an easy target for them.

Thanks news. Ice on ankles, no zombies, fair trade.

We need take out in space.

Posted on May 15, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

I would live in space if they had take out

This morning I went to get up and it was hard work. So I fought the good fight and made it out of bed and into my chair where I parked my ~~HUGE LAZY~~ adorable self so I could watch TV while I had my laptop. I mean truly I am really good at multi tasking. But I dropped the remote and it smashed on the floor and I had to bend over to get it and try to pop the batteries back in. Whatever. It’s raining.

You may be asking yourself, “self , how does this all relate in the grand scheme of things?” I have answers. I have uncovered a conspiracy. Yes you heard it and now you are part of the AGBSCL . It stands for Anti Gravity Boycotting Sagging Conspiracy League. (I wanted to call it the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen but since I don’t know any gentlemen and I am a chick that wouldn’t be smart, and if nothing else boy am I smart. Because I figured all this out and only a smart person could.) That’s right Gravity we are on to you and your devious ways. I know your the law and all that but laws were made to be broken. I am all about breaking you buddy.

After a boatload of scientific type studies I have some pretty resounding facts.

Fact 1- Gravity makes it hard to get up in the morning, it actually tries to keep you in your warm cozy bed, which may seem all nice, but it’s not. It’s a plot to keep you from being productive, so all of gravities friends can get better jobs and steal your friends cause you wont get out of your bed.

Fact 2- Gravity made the rain fall DOWN, down do you hear me people? Thus causing puddles and mud and in some areas flooding. If it weren’t for gravity we would not be having these issues. It could rain up, and then voila no more gravity induced watery type issues.

Fact 3 – It is a proven fact that gravity hates all my technology devices. Including the remote I broke this morning. If you need more examples see my old post about technology here.

Fact 4 – This is probably the biggest and most important 1. I have factual scientific proof that gravity is trying to make me NOT sexy anymore. That’s right, and chances are it’s happening to you and possibly the people you love.

exhibit A – My boobs, my boobs that were once all bouncy and smexy are slowly but surely turning into pendulous tripping objects. Yes I actually fear that one day I could trip on my own boob. This is bad people, I am not graceful anyway and throwing a boob in the mix well that just spells disaster. Did I mention that if I fail to sleep with a sports bra I may or may not have to wake my husband up and ask him to get OFF my boob?

My body in the eighties with parts where they are supposed to be

I could probably levitate easier with out Gravity.

exhibit B- My butt. I had a really cute butt. I mean like not quite junk in the trunk butt, but the butt was in proper proportion and place in perspective of my former boobs. However I have noticed that maybe my thighs aren’t getting huge as much as my butt is dropping. At some point I may no longer be able to differentiate between the 2. This is a crushing blow.

Gravity is attacking my lady bits. I still want to levitate.

* Side note- however my husbands butt, which was a nice butt, has now moved completely away. His has not dropped but instead appears to be moving around to the front near his naval, which scientifically means he sleeps on his side and thus gravity pulled his butt around. This look was best described by my daughter who said, ” Dad looks like a frog stood up and pulled on pants.” Clearly either gravity is discriminating against us based on sex or he is in league with gravity and not my league. I may have to re-think dinner options for him if further evidence piles up against him.

Honey is there something wrong with your dockers?

exhibt C- my brain. for those of you who know me, it’s really clear this is the dastardly work of gravity, and although it’s real fricking super sweet cool to be able to tell people your brain is just too big to contain, it’s not always worth the fact you know gravity is sucking your brain out of your skull.

I have been worried about this entire gravity conspiracy thing for a while, and come to one conclusion. I have to move to space. Have I ever told you how much I hate moving? However if I lived in space I could turn my xbox up really loud when we play rock band because no one would complain. Also No grass to cut. Hell to the yeah on that one. I don’t think there are bee’s in space either which is yet another huge plus. But the lack of ability to have take out for dinner may be a deal breaker. So if there are any entrepreneurs out there might I suggest investing in space take out. Right now that’s the only thing holding me back. Well that and GRAVITY… it’s everywhere… ARG.

Funny stuff Friday part III

Posted on May 14, 2010 by ThePeachy1 in It's Juicy

Last week while out having sushi with a friend, I broke food etiquette, wow shocking I know. But a chopstick, wasabi, and carrot strips provided inspiration and if I was famous my Wasbai man would be “art” . So here is my hot art, get it wasabi, hot, oh never mind.

it's a bird, it's a plane, it's me being inappropriate, WASABI MAN

Dinosaur dating drawbacks. ( glad that's typed and not said)

My daughter called yesturday from work and said she ran into the dinosourusbitch, which is better than a hippotwatamus, I asked her if the creature was a carnny-vore or a herbawhore? yeah we are totally inappropriate, but leave us alone it’s quality time people.

So this week for Friday Funnies I am so torn becuase I saw this awesome thing on 9 reasons why NOT to date a dinosour, a related post was 10 reasons to date a unicorn, and then there was the zombie singles dating service. OK make me fall down fuuny, if you don’t believe me here’s their link.

But this week also brought me the funniest friggin ebay post of all times, obviously this chick is a total genius which is a bit scary, cause we wall know what a fine line it is between genius and well you know. here’s a link to the actual ebay post and the entire back blog story. Best part, it’s all true. Since I am your friend you will need these first.

when life hands you lemons, throw them back at life. hard.

Before taking off your depends, It’s Bloggers without Make up day. ( this was totally not in my contract, probably because I don’t have a freakin contract). But since it is funny stuff friday and who am I to hault some deep women movement bloggy thing. here. I am even wearing my glasses. shut up.

Suck it. Me no makeup and glasses.. oh that's a riot NOT.

Now I am going to try a first and put a video in this post. If it doesn’t work I have excuses at the ready. It’s to true about Facebook.

I had to ad this one in because well, it came from my Daddy, this is what most honest for sale signs would say.

If we were all honest, most signs would look like this.

and finally from the peachy tree here’s one I had to share, it’s one of my many nephews. he clearly gets his drinking dna from me, have I ever mentioned how glad I am there were not iphones, twitter and facebook when I was “finding myself” and everyone else in Dayton Beach all those years ago. Straight from the drunken family tree… My nephew.

Fair game. He posted it on FB.

Before anyone freaks, he is over 21, he was in college, he did not drive, and this photo was not taken by me, cause ewww… my 1 big question, WTH did he find 80’s shorts? He posted this on FB which in my book makes him fairgame. He also posted this is the last time he drinks, which to mean is some sort of therapy, so I am just helping him, really… stop laughing, I am serious.

Have a fantastic Friday and wickedly wonderful Weekend.