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Tell it Tuesday

So here we are with the  second edition of Tell It Tuesday. (cue applause light now)

In some dumbass brilliant flash of light I decided a week or so ago  ago I should offer advice on here every Tuesday in my new Feature “Tell it Tuesday”.  Since I get a couple emails asking for it I figured why not.  Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says).   Except last week I found out I was ranked number 3 in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness”   (Not making this up the link to the screenshot is right here. ) So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of Christ on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”. Take it or leave it, but please go ahead and send in your questions your real name and email will never be posted. Send your questions to beingpeachy@gmail.com  I got some really great email but I just couldn’t answer some of them without proper vodka incentive, here are the ones I could take on sober this week.

And awaaaay we go.

TELL IT TUESDAY- A NON ADVICE COLUMN

HI Peachy,

I live in a noxious home. Between my husband, my two boys and the 3 dogs. There is always a strong stank of fart in my home. I know it’s in the carpets and drape and furniture. No amount of febreeze or plug ins will help. Any advice?

signed,
Stinkage Sufferer

Dear Stinkage Sufferer,    I have a black lab that every winter lays with her butt toward the fireplace prompting me to sit nearby holding my breath and a fire extinguisher. I am sure her farts will shoot her projectile  style across the family room when the chimney finally ignites them. I can not even imagine 3 humans and 2 dogs STANKING up the place.  Do you feed them a lot of brussle sprouts and beans? Or any other fart famous food?  You ruled out everything I can think of you can legally do oh wait I have it here’s a couple of ideas and you could make a profit on the side.   #1 Buy stock in bean-o.  #2 Buy actual Bean-o in bulk ( or if your a blogger you could get them as a sponsor?).  Make them take it daily like vitamins in fact you painstakingly carve/shape them like Flinstones and use food coloring to convince them.  Then you should also probably crush up some and add them to every meal.   You might also want to consider purchasing one of these.

Best wishes… Peachy1

2 options- Maybe go for both? You could totally pull of the gas mask look.

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Dear ThePeachy1,

I need a great recipe for a pound cake. I have a big family function coming up and if I can pull off a fantastic pound cake they will finally take me and my cooking skills serious.

please help,
Great Chef in the Making

Dear Great Chef in the Making,  uhm I think you have me confused with June Cleaver or any of the other Cleaveresc type bloggers out there.  I own an oven.  I can in desperation or depression kick out some mad bakery skills. But I have never used a recipe in my life.   So I have these instructions for you.  Go to the Grocery store. Buy a Sara Lee Pound Cake.  take it home and dump it on your platter, then lay strawberries around it or something fancy that goes with pound cake other than a fork( my only pound cake accessory is a fork).  If someone at the party asks for the recipe you could be found out.  So go ahead and google crappy pound cake recipes.  Then when you find a really bad one,  you need to add an extra cup of salt or baked beans,  then hand write it on an index card and give it to them.  They will never be able to produce the delish  Sara Lee Pound cake from the craptastic recipe you gave them and thus your status as awesome baker will be vaulted to the top.   You can do this with almost anything but always dispose of the evidence like it’s a CIA mission. Or you will be busted.   Good luck. ( PS- being taken seriously by your family is WAY over rated. don’t try so hard. )ThePeachy1

This photo is from http://www.theworldwidegourmet.com and they have a recipe too.

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Dear Peach;

My nieghbors are insane.  They have 8 cars in their yard in addition to a boat and a camper.  They are loud and always half dressed.  I want them OUT but we don’t have a HOA.  Any advice?

Thanks,
Wanting them Gone

Dear Wanting them Gone.  So you are seeing troublesome Jed Clampett type neighbors I am seeing exotic new friends.  Clearly they have assets 8 cars?  Excellent, a camper and a boat?  Heck to the yeah. You could probably get a boat trip for the cost of a 6 pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon or gallon jug of MD 20/20. The camper? Perfect guest room for your visiting in laws, that should slow down those pesky visits.  I am seeing your obviously a glass half full kind of girl, because loud neighbors with tons of goodies is a plus in my book.  I am guessing they are probably also gun collectors HUGE BONUS. It sounds like the type of neighbor that would shoot a burglar climbing through your window for you and then drag the body into the street or maybe throw it off a bridge for you. ( so if you lock yourself out tell them before you send your spouse to climb through a window or it could end badly) Still if you’re not sold on the idea of them being neighbors you can always do the sure fire run off the neighbors  protocol I have perfected.  Step #1 have a garage sale, every weekend really early, and have people block their driveway.  If they come over and buy stuff, wait 12 hours and “borrow it back then don’t return it. Then put it in next weekends garage sale with a higher price tag”.  In fact step 2 is to actually borrow stuff, constantly, especially things you can’t return. ” Can I borrow your toilet paper?” ” uhm no but you can have it.”  If you have to escalate it, borrow their vehicles and leave them along side of the road and then when they see your home but their car isn’t say something like, ” I can’t believe how inconsiderate you are. You should really warn someone about that broken gas gage, it’s on HWY 53″ then slam the door all mad and stuff..  But if neither of these ideas seem to be up your alley, then just build a fence..  Good fences make good neighbors.  I was really worried when the lady down the road built a chicken coop, until I found out I can get fresh eggs.   Also you said they are half dressed?  Which half? Here’s some pictures to help you get a baseline on bad and not so bad, any of these could be from my neighborhood . Love,  ThePeachy1

you want more just type redneck in google and hit images.

and with that I think we all need to run to our kitchens and thaw out a Sara Lee pound cake to take to our neighbors to show how grateful we are that they are not the people above.  Also even though a HOA can make all your yards be perfect and your paint colors within reason, my only experience with them were dirty little notes left for insane reasons.  So I am probably that neighbor that’s driving you bat crazy.  Wait a second..  James ? Lee?  Aunt Jane?  is that you guys giving me a hint?
PEACH OUT…

Tags: beanoepic asshattednessfarting dogsfarting husbandsfarting sonsgas maskshouse boatsjune cleaverneighborspound cakerecipesrednecksweddingsyard sales
ThePeachy1: ThePeachy1 has been trolling around the interwebz since we were all in loin cloths with Monochrome TRS 80's. Mainly proud, often befuddled, but always amazed mom of 3 awesome kids and wife to "The" techo guru. When not missing vodka, friends, or wondering why more people don't appreciate the PJ lifestyle she can be found lurking everywhere on the web.
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