And now I give to you another great joke from my Daddy.
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Subject: Coffee and Testicles at the US Post Office
Coffee and Testicles at the US Post Office
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The Lion the Witch and the Warbler…
Long ago in a land not so very far there was a very young Lion. The little lion was headstrong as young lions are. The little lion was very curious, adventurous and would always get into trouble. The Lion had been placed in the care of a Warbler, the Warbler like most Warblers was ill prepared, [...]
is it living because it only feels like waiting…
With the overload of health issues around here, along with the common “life stuff” I willing took a break from blogging after the last attacks from trolls, trolls who don’t know me, know my child, know my life, know my situation, and will never understand my life or my thoughts… Simply put I took a [...]
The Phone Call
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg, ‘Hello?’ ‘Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?’ ‘No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’ After a brief pause, Daddy says, ‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’ ‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now..’ [...]
Doctors and Lawyers and Schmucks oh my!
My Dad had this joke waiting for me when I got back from the Doctor. Since the Doctor told me to hire a lawyer I thought it was the PERFECT post for Friday. A lawyer I would buy a drink for. I hope you guys enjoy, Thanks Daddy. ******************* Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused [...]
What’s up Doc?
I was at the doctors the other day. ( as usual). I saw this hanging on his wall and quickly realized that he had one of the words spelled wrong. So I took a picture and collected the spelling. You are welcome. xo PEACH OUT Bookmark on Delicious Digg this post Recommend on Facebook [...]
Coffee and Testicles
July 26th, 2011 
ThePeachy1 
Moronic Monday- LANDSHARK
July 24th, 2011 ThePeachy1 
So it’s Monday. The normal deal is that I share with you a story of what a giant moron I am so that you can gauge your Monday by that and consider it a success. I like to think life is graded on a curve. I am willing to take a hit for the team, the one to help skew the scores so that you can all be loaded for bear to fight this dirty wench that is Monday.
Let’s just start with I love you, and I must start this post with a huge big fat honking dripping with sincere apology. I have missed you guys so much it’s hard to type out words to express it. But I started this blog to prove that no matter what was wrong, or going on, you could see the peachy side of life. Along the way I made some great friends, I have had my heart torn when I know you are hurting and I have had to honor to in some small way hopefully help one or 2 people.
Lately I have been under some strange barrage of insane bad luck gris gris. I try to bring the funny, and a smile and show you what an incredible fruit loop I am.
The truth is, for some reason the past few weeks every turn is a new road block. Now I am not in anyway opposed to roadblocks or speed bumps. They are part of life. But lately it seems I am not even over the first bump when another comes and hits me.
If you have ever swam in the ocean, you probably know this feeling. Wow this wave is big, I can handle it, come up breath, ” oh look another”. Then a mouth full of salt water and you are thinking these waves need to slow down because you just need a second to clear your lungs and grab a deep breath, but they keep coming.
I am sure I will make it to shore. Even if I have to swim parallel to it for a while, like some crazy rip tide has me. I can do this. In fact I have been known as the “I can” and ” solver” and “survivor” and “go to girl” all my life. I have taken great pride in the fact I am a warrior, and I keep my humor about me.
I have broad shoulders, and can handle nearly anything, I just need to catch a breath between the waves. I am sure one day I will have great and funny posts about heart attacks, and MRI’s and seizures, and crazy brain disorders, and battling the IRS and all the crazy waves smashing me right now. When my house burned to the ground, it was funny that day, when the hurricanes made us homeless, it wasn’t funny that day, when my cars break down, it’s usually not funny that moment. In the end. There is something to learn from each experience we go through, right now, I have to catch my breath, and when I have time, I will look back and find a humorous spin on all of it. That’s what I do, how I get by, the way I ”deal”.
On the upside, I find something very therapeutic about the ocean, the rhythmic crashing of the waves, the smiling kids making sand castles and burring each other, the families and friends with smiles who carried way too much crap to the beach and are just trying to figure out how to get the sand out of their butt cracks. So if I have to be somewhere mentally, the ocean is a pretty great place to be. ( as long as guys in banana hammocks with body hair sweaters aren’t around, because that makes me all barfy)
Until the next time, know I love you, know I have faith in you and your abilities, and know that you have a billion opportunities a day to smile, laugh and Be Peachy… If you’re in the ocean right now too, just know that we only need to swim faster than the fat kid in the event of a shark attack.
XO
PEACH OUT
The Phone Call
July 18th, 2011 ThePeachy1 
Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
‘Hello?’
‘Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?’
‘No, Daddy.
She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.’
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
‘But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.’
‘Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy,
right now..’
Brief Pause.
‘Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.’
‘Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.’
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
‘I did it, Daddy.’
‘And what happened, honey?’
‘Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn’t moving at all!’
‘Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?’
‘He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.’
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
‘Swimming pool? ………..
Is this 555-5731?’
No, I think you have the wrong number……..
Doctors and Lawyers and Schmucks oh my!
July 15th, 2011 ThePeachy1 My Dad had this joke waiting for me when I got back from the Doctor. Since the Doctor told me to hire a lawyer I thought it was the PERFECT post for Friday. A lawyer I would buy a drink for.
I hope you guys enjoy, Thanks Daddy.
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Part of rebuilding New Orleans caused residents often to be challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here’s a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client:
You have to love this lawyer…….
A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
(Actual reply from FHA):
“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:
(Actual response):
“Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 206 years covered by the present application.
I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France, in 1803 the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella.
The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’s expedition…Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God’s original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our loan?”
The loan was immediately approved.
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Go forth my friends and enjoy every second of this weekend, you deserve it !
xo
PEACH OUT
What’s up Doc?
July 14th, 2011 ThePeachy1 
I was at the doctors the other day. ( as usual). I saw this hanging on his wall and quickly realized that he had one of the words spelled wrong. So I took a picture and collected the spelling.
I fixed it !
You are welcome.
xo
PEACH OUT
It’s a 2fer ! Tiki bar tuesday and moronic monday vlog
July 12th, 2011 ThePeachy1 
I’m on a mini vaca with The Prince ( my 10 yr old kid) so I made this combo vlog for you guys.
enjoy
xo
PEACH OUT
Man Rules- from my Daddy
June 30th, 2011 ThePeachy1 If you are a follower chances are you have been privy to my secret WMD (Wonderful Mulit- forwarding Daddy).. My daddy is 79, he is awesome. Some technology may elude him but there is one thing this man has mastered. He can forward 278.5 emails to all 822 people in his contact list 10+ times a day. His priceless passing on of humor from his veteran buddies, former county co workers and anyone he has ever met at a gas station in any state. Because if you meet him and your not a total asshat you are GETTING ON HIS EMAIL LIST.
My Daddy sent this to me today. I share it with you because he is 79 and has been married 4 times to 3 wives ( do the math folks).
The point is. I am quite sure that this is applicable to nearly every single man I have ever met at any age. It’s just “cute” when it comes from my Daddy, instead of ” evidence” if it were to come from my husband.
These are our rules! 1. Men are NOT mind readers. |
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are.
Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say duri ng commercials..
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, Expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… Really .
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
I can only assume this is one of the reasons why my husband thinks my father is the most awesome guy around.
Love ya Daddy,
XO
PEACH OUT
Funny Friday- Surface of the Sun HOT!
June 24th, 2011 ThePeachy1 
Wooo Hooo You guys we made it ! It’s Friday ! That means we made it to the weekend ! I don’t know about you guys but where I live it’s roughly the tempepature of the surface of the sun. Literally. NO seriously. NOT. EVEN. KIDDING. By 8am the heat index was 112 with 100% humidity. Now as you know I live in the south, wait, let me clarify.. I live in the DEEP SOUTH. Where people do things like FRY TWINKIES, and bake oreos inside chocolate chip cookies. We have 27 miles of white sandy beaches and Casinos and hurricanes and oil spills. ( oh crap the tourism commission hates when I bring last those 2 up). But we live in in on a nice wooded chunk of land with a lot of nature in what might be described a tad, country.
OK it’s redneck. Even though me and the hubs are scoffed at by the actual rednecks out here. When I was younger in Florida in school my fav thing was to buy a baby pool and a bottle of Raspberry Reunitie and to lay in that baby pool with a sprinkler going over me while I drank my cheap wine, getting my base tan before hitting Daytona. I am sure the contributed to both the current wrinkles and the obvious drunken stupor I had to be in to marry my first husband. None the less I remember laying in that little blue baby pool with my best bud laughing and saying this was the best. No matter how crazy it looked.
As the heat approaches tries to kill us all unless we wear asbestos suits and we use oven mitts to steer our cars, cool off by hopping in the oven with a pot roast, I thought I would pay homage, to folks that we spend a lot of time laughing at and making fun of, but who are probably pretty damn genius. Because much like my time in the baby pool with the sprinkler my best friend and our cheap wine, they are throwing caution to the wind, making the best of the situation, and truly seizing the day. So I have to salute them. Even if I giggle while doing it.
Beating the heat redneck style.
we need chicks, or sheep
Bob's body language was tell Ted to back off, Ted wasn't getting it.
thank goodness this campground had a swimming pool
Jim did not observe the NO DIVING RULE, and ruined the fun for everyone when the pools were drained to transport him to the ER.
Never underestimate a drunk or hot rednecks resourcefulness
Training Camp for X Games AKA Redneck Kids
now admit it, this is smart HOT TUB
Now I will show you my redneck pool for this summer.
the Droid and the Prince it's on our Deck instead of on the ground. it's like 3 feet deep
We have a few acres and opted to put it that wee little inflatable pool on our wooden back deck so no one had to walk in the grass. In fairness I should state, only the kids get in it, that was the one time The Droid got in.
However I must admit. At one point we had a smaller pool, and we hooked a hose to our hot water heater and and attempted turn it into a hot tub. It ended up being filled with rusty crusty flakes of crap that came from the bottom of the hot water heater, it sucked. We are horrible red necks.
So go enjoy your weekend. Be creative, turn on the sprinkler, run through it with reckless abandon, get in the kiddie pool. Drink cheap wine and throw caution to the wind. It really is all about the memories people. Make it happen.
XO
PEACH OUT
O’Funny from McDaddy
June 23rd, 2011 ThePeachy1 Here’s a funny email joke from my Daddy.
The following is an actual exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company.
Gentlemen,
I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan
——————————–
Dear Mr. Finnegan,
We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely,
Irish Railway Company
———————————–
Gentlemen,
I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history.
If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass.
That…. gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!
Yours truly,
Patrick Finnegan.
OH Daddy you are indeed a prize
xo
Peach Out
Tell it Tuesday- Not even advice
June 21st, 2011 ThePeachy1 
Please be advised that I have NO expertise ( despite what the massive spam on my site that I block says). Except I remain in the top listing in google for the search term ” epic asshattedness” NOT MAKING THIS UP. Google it. )(now I rank for several other horrific things including “robin willimas man junk” and “justank beaver” I am so proud- click here and see.
So if you send in your question, which your totally welcome to do, to beingpeachy@gmail.com, PULEEZE for the love of Spice on a Bike know that your advice is coming from someone who is known for “epic asshattedness”.
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Dear Peaches- I have 3 kids and now that summer is here, I am convinced they are the possessed. I haven’t slept passed 6am one single day. They fight like cats and dogs over anything including air. They have ruined the carpet, cut the couch, and drawn on the walls. I am about to have an out of body experience. My husband is over seas for 3 more months. I don’t know anyone here and our family is too far away and honestly our kids are too much of a handful for our parents. HELP
signed,
Unhinged Mom
Dear Unhinged Mom- First we have to woosaba you. Right now you are the one about to be voted off of survivor island because even though they are fighting they have an alliance against you. I sent you my 3 phase turn around plan and my contact info so you could vent, scream anytime you need to, hats off to you, the hubs and the kids for what you are doing. Now on to the crappy advice. I suggest you get each of the kids an animal spirit guide. Like a Unicorn, a Pikachu and a pterodactyl sure they will be hard to find, but in the end, the animal spirit guides can fight it out ( OUT SIDE only). Other than that, write a note saying, ” I think these kids are possessed, when you have removed all demons please return to _________” and drop them off at a catholic church night drop. I think they have a possessed box, like red box has for movies or enterprise has for key drop. xo Peach out
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Dearest PeachyOne
My dog is my best bud, he’s a big bread and we have a great routine to keep him healthy and active. But with the extreme heat I am seriously worried. I know that for hundreds of years dogs lived out in the elements. I know you have 2 dogs what are your thoughts and some hints for my Buddy, whose name is Rex?
Thanks,
Rex’s Buddy
Dear Rex’s Buddy- So glad you have thought of Rex, yes I have 2 big dogs, and 1 evil cat, all 3 were brought here by my daughter and left here when she went to college. ( awesome). Anyway. WE ALL KNOW not to leave our pets in a car even with the windows cracked even for 5 minutes. Dogs can’t sweat that is why they pant. They suffer brain damage and heat stroke, it’s horrible and it happens fast. They have portable water bowls, cooler collars, automatic dog fountains that hook to your hose, and one of my favorite things to do is bury a baby pool and then place large rocks around the side so they can cool off, . I don’t use the black actual landscaper water feature ponds because using black makes them hot. Remember if the ground/concrete is too hot for the palm of your hand, it’s too hot for their pads on their feet. Here’s a pet expect sharing Summer Pet tips !
Hot Dog! Products to Protect Your Pooch From Summer Heat – ABC News.
xo Peach out
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Dear ThePeachy1
We are the only house in our neighborhood with a pool. We have lived here 3 years now. During the school year, my kids don’t have any company, get invited to any birthday parties, or events. In fact my kids have never been invited to anyone’s house to play in 3 years. But the second school gets out, they become popular, not just with the kids in the neighborhood but with whoever is spending the night with the kids in the neighborhood. This puts me on constant lifeguard duty. I have already went through 6 tubes of sunscreen and wash 20 towels a day. I wont go into the massive food and drinks that I keep providing. It’s quite costly. Not to mention I am tied to the house and I feel like a free daycare. I would mind as much if I thought any of these kids actually liked my children, but with this being the third year of this cycle I am sad to say that some of the kids that were here did not even know my childrens names. One day my daughter was up in her room all day and no one asked about her the entire time. You can’t make people like you, you don’t buy friends, so it is what it is. But how do I handle this with the least fall out on my kids, or at least get some compensation for being the community activity and lunch center. HELP- Babysitting Baywatch
Dear Babysitting Baywatch- I wrote you a long letter first so here we can just throw out a couple things. Buy a bunch of trained koi, and have them fitted with mini tazers on their heads so they can taze the children that are not yours.. Or get a pet manatee and tell people that you are a witch and the last kid that swam there that wasn’t your kids friend got a spell cast on them. I would do both, but that’s just me. xo Peach Out.
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That’s it folks, 3 horrible non advice answers to 3 valid questions, I still have no idea why you guys write to me but I love you for it, and will always try to answer ya!
