never ever light your farts on fire here is why…

smuggling cats to cold war russia

Hello you incredibly good looking obviously brilliant people.  Yeah you, sitting there in your stained t-shirt  2 socks that don’t match and some kickin bedhead, you too, being comfy is HAWT !   I know from the massive piles of emails that some of you really really miss my 5 day a week blogging here at BeingPeachy and just can barely breath without me,  Mom, seriously stop emailing me about it.   But so many things have come up, like entire seasons of shows I haven’t seen before on netflix and hulu.  I kid I kid, there were only a few and they were all missing one or 2 key episodes.   Yes I haven’t blogged as much here, and yes I haven’t done “THE TWITTER” hardly at all,  but dear lovely friends I have stayed true to facebook, I am there, find me, join in.  Just don’t ask me to send you a cow or plant a tree or join a sorority or your mafia/mob and no I don’t have a clue what a throne is other than what a royal ass plunks upon.   So now I have covered all that jazz and we are off to the races.

I have had several friends and family recently talk to me about their kids, not like, ” OMG my kid pooped!”, ( they know better)  but like, ” uhm I think my kid may be turning into an asshat”   or  ” little Jimmy is really upset that we weren’t able to get on the top of the wait list for the new Iamspoiled 9,  so he dropped kicked his OLD ibrat 8 he got when it was released five weeks ago with his  Carlos SantChoo GucPrada shoes and it accidentally slipped off his foot which smashed that 60×60 frame of the photo we have of him on the beach in white in Brazil for his 6th birthday 3 weeks ago.  But I wasn’t mad because that frame was the wrong shade/gloss of gold anyway and completely clashed with the platinum theme I am going with.”     OK..   those aren’t exactly what people have said, but honestly they may as well have, because that’s what I hear.  Now before anyone get’s every level of offended because they are giving their children what they didn’t have and blah blah blah,  yadda yadda,  I hear ya, I feel ya, every parent wants that, but maybe just maybe,  sometimes they should have a little of what their parents did,  humble pie it’s as essential to growing up as milk, air, and breaking rules.

I’m not judging anyone.  Why?  Well if you know me, I am FAR FAR FAR away donkey from being any kind of parenting role model and I am the very first to admit it.  My kids have done more jacked up stuff than a Quickie Lube,  hopefully they learn from it.  I admit to my kids every time I open my mouth that I don’t have all the answers I never will, and I am human, I will make mistakes, accidents and poor choices, and I expect the same from them.   But the one thing they can count on is me being there  screaming,  ” what the hell are you thinking????    didn’t I tell you about the time I got busted smuggling kittens in from India to sell to the Russians during the cold war?  yeah well that’s EXACTLY how that entire thing all started,  I seriously hope you know Russian half as well as I do if you intend on making these type of decisions.”   I then usually sit there, stone faced, waiting, until I dramatically throw my hands in the air and stomp off muttering about consequences and how hard it is to get toilet paper in foreign prisons.    My children, the loves of my life,  my brilliant  adorable, obviously superior children have all SCREWED UP.  They will, because they are from me, and if I sit back and pretend that I am always right ( which I do not ever do ever, under no circumstance hand to cheeses I swear on the entire Lord of the Rings series, stick a needle in my eye, I am so lying right now congrats if you are still here to see me admit that)  then they will do one of 2 things.

1- either assume they can never live up to me and go ahead and pierce their retina and have their feet surgically webbed to show me how they have no intentions of even ever trying,  or  2- consistently attempt to live up to some higher than though standard, and hide things from me, from others and themselves and be so afraid of failure that they would rather fling themselves onto a flaming spork than admit a mistake.   So I bare my flaws, even if they are dramatically rendered for enhanced learning and viewing pleasure.


So sometimes it’s as simple as explaining to your 11 year old son why it is completely unacceptable to break up with a girl via a text message when that’s the only type of conversation they have ever had.    Sometimes it’s reassuring your daughter that she is an amazing human being you are proud to know and absolutely profoundly confused how a screw up like yourself could produce someone with her moral and social code because if in her situation you would have taken a sabbatical to screw businessmen in Greece and classified it as a “learning experience” while trying to get a student loan to fund it.   Sometimes it’s as hard as realizing that your kid, no matter how you tried, is just, an ass.  You can reflect on all the things you could have done different,  if there were signs, flags, blinking lights and people flat out telling you your kid is an ass.

None of it matters, you can’t turn back time, and you can only mold those little brains and souls so much no matter how much Baby Einstien wants to tell you differently    EACH of us are different  your children may come from you but they are NOT YOU, nor are they each other, you may have 3 kids you have to parent completely different,  suck it up.  They don’t all learn the same way, no matter how your cookie cutter school wants to think they do, they don’t.  They are kids not CLONES.   Unless you did some truly heinous act to which you shouldn’t have the privilege of air let alone internet access then chances are you didn’t screw up your kid or their life.   They can and will become what they will become and you can only hope to install some type of early screw up detection system in them.

The most sound parenting advice I have ever received all came from a woman I could NOT even comprehend relating to when I was under 30.  One of her points was that a well balance meal was important to the health of a child and should always be completed with a dish of humble pie.  But remember to serve it warm, caring and with a sense of kindness.

Yeah it was hell having someone that deep around you growing up.  That’s why I am way cooler to grow up around,  I mean I am pretty sure SHE NEVER partied backstage with a big hair band, was in a music video and woke up in the morning  next to  dumpster…   which is why kids…   you NEVER EVER light your farts on fire…………. because that’s how that night started.



be good to each other,

make memories,




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One Response to “never ever light your farts on fire here is why…”

  1. Stephi says:

    Humble pie & hard work to EARN ‘things’ never hurt anyone!

    You’re doing a great job Mama! We build children into adults who then have to do the upkeep & remodels and sometimes they have to screw up in order to figure out the ‘expert’ was right.

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